Topic: The Dreaded Binge

I know, two days of posts in a row. Yea, weird.  I'm super busy with work and life but what's in my head has to come out or I won't be able to sleep or focus.  I was kept awake last night writing this in my head.

As part of my morning routine I read my dear friend Bebe's blog.  Yesterday she posted about binge eating and it really affected me.  (Please read here before continuing. Okay? Ready? Good.)

Binge eating is a real thing. A hard thing. And something that I struggle with to this very day.  And I imagine I always will.  For those of you who have never battled their weight you won't understand this struggle. It's like trying to understand the emotions of a recovering meth addict if you've never been one. You just can't.  But let me try to explain it.

Binge eating isn't what a lot of society thinks it is. It's not that meal where you decided to have a bacon cheeseburger instead of the salad you had planned to order at a restaurant. Nope, that's a splurge or an indulgence. A binge is where you're not hungry but you have an overwhelming urge to eat all the food. Literally all the food.  And then when you run out of food you go find more food to eat. And when it's over and you're surrounded by food wrappers and you're still not full but overflowing with guilt desperately trying to hide the evidence of what just happened so you don't have to admit to yourself or anyone else that you just at 3,000 calories in under an hour. THAT my friends is a binge. 

My last binge was a week ago. I got home from work, figured out what I was making for dinner. Then grabbed a bag of chips & a jar of salsa from the fridge. When the chips were gone I finished the salsa with crackers. When the salsa was gone I finished the crackers with a jar of pimento cheese. Then I needed something sweet so I ate some chocolate covered graham crackers and gummy bears. Then I needed salt again so I ate some salted peanuts. And then I looked at the clock, realized it was time to start dinner, hid the empty packages, made dinner, and ate it like nothing had happened an hour before.

It's the oddest feeling to need food for no other reason but to satisfy some deep random urge to eat. Most times I have no idea why I binge. Other times I do. A boredom binge or an emotional binge? Is it self sabotage? I love my body and feel great so I must eat all the food and have a reason to hate myself because I don't deserve to be happy?

I hear people say that to stop binging you just keep healthy food in the house so at least you'll binge on good food. And I have even gone as far as locking up the junk food in the house to prevent myself from getting into it when the urge hits. Yea, those things don't work. If there is food I don't have access to, I just find other food. Regardless of whether it's "healthy" food or "junk" food, it's still mass quantities consumed quickly. 

How does one prevent this? How does one stop it? I know when I'm binging. And in the moment, I'm completely unable to stop. The only possible solution I can think of that would stop a binge is to never leave me alone. I don't binge in front of people. It's embarrassing.

I think the only reasonable and rational solution to binge eating is to accept it and move on. If every other aspect of my diet is spot on. If I focus on being healthy the rest of the time, maybe, just maybe, my binge habits won't have a negative affect on my weight.  So far, it's going great.  I can be better at it though. Going out for a run or hitting the elliptical after an epic binge might counteract some of the damage. But in the moment, I'm mentally not in the place for that activity.  Plus, with a belly full of junk that's just asking for a barf-fest.


As Bebe says "One day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  So that is all I will do."

xoxo

So Much Change!

I wrote this post in my head yesterday while running.  I've forgotten everything witty and interesting I was going to say. This is the best I can do with what I've got right now...

And yes, you read that right.  I was running yesterday!  I did 4 miles and it was great!

I know in my last post I said I wasn't missing running yet and I had no interest in starting up again, but then something happened that changed all that.  (This story will make me sound like a total twat, but I don't care. It's the truth and it got me running again.)  On the 17th Portland had it's 2nd largest race of the year, the Shamrock Run.  I have done this race 2 years prior (5k & 8k) and had planned to run the 15k this year had I not quit running in July.  I was totally fine with not running, in fact, I didn't even think about the race on the day of. It wasn't until the next morning until I overheard one of the Bitches talking about the race and her 5k time. I try really hard to not be a jealous person, but my first thought was "Bitch, I haven't run since July and I could beat that time easily". If I liked the Bitches I might have been proud of her as it was her first race, but I loathe her very existence so it bugged me.  Plus I had to listen to her repeat the damn story over and over and over all damn day. So to be spiteful, I mapped out a run when I got home that would be a 5k equivalent, geared up and hit the pavement. It was amazing.  I felt good.  Only had to walk once for a short distance to clear some internal nose sweat (snot).  And the best part? I beat her time. By a lot. Take that, Bitches! HA! (No, I didn't tell her about this run. She has no clue that I am better than her in this aspect of life and that she inspired me to get back on the road.) I was thinking about this while running yesterday and I'm okay with jealousy in this instance.  Sitting around being jealous of others is one thing, but being jealous and getting up and DOING something about it is another thing entirely.  Using jealousy as inspiration to be better is good.

The day after my thighs wanted to kill me. I could barely climb the stairs at work. It was torture. But the good kind. I got on the elliptical that night to loosen the legs back up which helped tremendously.  And then, out of no where the Man found a random box in our storage unit that just happened to contain my Garmin!  Perfect timing on his part! I actually jumped up and down screaming when I saw it!  I had been using my lack of GPS as a crappy excuse to not run so now nothing was in my way! I knew I COULD run still, and I had all the tools at my disposal to do it again!

So yesterday when I saw that the weather was going to be sunny & warm I decided to hit the pavement again and push myself a little further.  And once again, it was glorious!  I had my GPS and no excuses. I just went out and had fun. I let my mind wander and didn't focus on my time, just the distance and how my body felt.  Sure, I had to take more walk breaks, but I kept them quick.  And surprisingly, my legs feel fine today. They feel tight but not painful. I will still do some elliptical tonight to loosen them up though.

I'm happy to be back running again.  I know I am only 2 runs in and by no means where I was before, but I'm not too far behind.  I have no intention to sign up for any races any time soon. I'm running for pleasure and personal gain, nothing else.  I think it was the pressure of races, speed, and time that got in my way before and discouraged me.  In fact, I know it was. I run for me now. And I run for fun. And when I don't want to run in the rain, cold or heat, I don't have to. I can elliptical. Which I also still love and don't want to neglect.

So beyond the running, my life is about to change drastically.  On Friday I accepted a new position at work. I'm really excited about it, but tremendously nervous at the same time.  I have wanted to leave my current role for 2 years so this change has been a long time coming.  The part that sucks is that I start the new position the day after I get back from vacation.  And whats worse is that until my replacement is hired & trained I will be doing my current job part time in addition to the new job...and only getting paid to do one job.  I'm hoping they make quick progress on hiring my replacement while I'm on vacation.

Ah, vacation...we leave in 5 days. I cannot wait. I need the sun and ocean so badly I can barely stand it. I'm not at the "goal" weight I had set for myself which I'm moderately okay with. It was a pipe-dream really and I only focused on it Monday thru Thursday. Then the weekend showed up and I focused on shovelling food down my throat and not ellipticalling. I look great in my bikini, my clothes fit better than they have in months, and I am below my Lifetime weight (which only matters if I get off my butt & go weigh in at the meeting location I recently discovered near my house).  I wanted my weight to be lower only so that I could indulge on vacation and not have to worry about gaining a bunch of weight that might not come back off. But since that didn't happen I will just have to stay mindful of what I'm doing and really focus when I get back on eating better on weekends.

Oh, and I'm officially attending FitBloggin in June. I bought a ticket off of someone who had something come up and couldn't attend. So I got the Early Bird price. Which is great!  I'm actually excited.  I only know like 4 people who will be there, but it should still be a hoot. Plus, swag. Like whoa. :)

I'll try and post again when I return from vacation...but I may be busy for a bit.

Caloric Intake

This morning as I was sitting in traffic during my commute into work, my mind was wandering and I started trying to figure out why the scale had been mean to me this week.  I tracked all of my food and tracked it honestly.  I worked out three days on the elliptical. And yet, I was up a half a pound on Monday, and two pounds as of this morning.

I ran my week thru my brain over and over trying to figure out what the deal was and what I could do to fix it.  I knew I went over calories a few days, but it wasn't by much and the days I worked out I was under calories.  In my head that broke even.  But I figured I should probably check the numbers to see if that might be my problem. 

Here is the last 10 over/under:

3/4: -185
3/5: +374
3/6: +437
3/7: +237
3/8: -383
3/9: -72
3/10: -571
3/11: -31
3/12: +248
3/13: +61
3/14: -897

Total:  -782

Yea. So. Makes sense now, don't it?

Granted, yesterday's emotional random binge didn't help the situation.  I would have been +115 if I had been a good girl yesterday.

So maybe that's not my problem after all?

Regardless, it's not good what I am doing.

This is what I miss most about Weight Watchers: Weekly Points Allowance. 

After looking at all of this, I have decided to start keeping track of my over/under.  I need to keep it as close to 0 as possible.  That's my new goal.  I don't need to be under calories every day, and some days I can go over, but as long as in the end, I still break even, we are all good in the neighborhood.

And on a completely unrelated note....This happened:

It is so amazing to me. I can't believe it. I look like that in a bikini. I don't hate it. I'm not embarrassed. I don't feel the need to cover anything up.  Hard to believe that in 2007 I was that chubby girl...and I got bigger than that before I realized the error of my ways! And now, here I am, bikini ready for a vacation in 15 days. And the best part about all of this? This body ain't going no where. I didn't do all of this work the last 5 years just to go back to that girl. I refuse, flat out refuse, to be her again.  I will NOT be one of those people who lose all the weight just to put it back on again. My health and my body are too important to me.  I love myself like this and will do whatever it takes to keep it this way! :)

Well darlings, I hope you have a fabulous weekend. I know there are a BUNCH of races this weekend and to be honest I'm a little sad to not be running one of them. (I don't fully miss running yet...maybe I will soon.)  Good luck to you all!

XOXO

#FoodiePenPals

So I got the idea to try out #FoodiePenPals from some of my Twitter buddies.  You can read all about it here. 

They basic gist is: You sign up. Get randomly paired with someone who you will send a box of goodies to. And get randomly paired with a person who will send a box of goodies to you. Then each of you blog about what you sent and what you got at the end of the month.  (Box must contain something hand written and cost around $15.)

Sounds great, right?

Well...

...maybe for some. But not me.

At first the problem was totally mine. I typed my email address wrong on the entry form. Then when I didn't get an email back right away I didn't contact the person in charge like it said to if this happens. My fault. But it was quickly resolved with a few quick emails & tweets. 

I emailed my matches and told them the error with my email address was and what my correct contact information was. (Then I quickly google-stalked them, as I do everyone I come in contact with. Yes, everyone. It's likely I've done it to you. Yes, you. Deal with it.)

I was paired with a vegitarian stay-at-home mome in California with 2 kids and she sent me a very excited email about what kinds of foods her family liked as options to send her.

I decided to send her some of my local favorite foods. And because I am not bright, I didn't take a picture of the box before I sent it so here is a rough run down of what I included...

Willamette Valley Granola Chips: Never tried them...but there was a $1 off coupon attached so I thought what the hell.

Columbia Empire Marionberry preserves: The jar I sent was double this size.  I couldn't find one smaller.

Moonstruck Chocolate: I sent the Mayan chocolate bar as it is Man's favorite. They have 4 other flavors. I should have sent the coffee one as thats what my pal likes...but I couldnt' find it.

Beaver Mustard Deli mustard:  The best on grilled bratwurst.

Bob's Red Mill Pancake Mix:  I know you can get this just about anywhere but the factory is less than a mile from my house.  I drive by it every day.

I also threw in a baggie of local hazelnuts that I had in the house as well as a hand written note on a pretty card saying I hope she enjoyed everything and explaining that it was all local stuff.

According to the rules my package was soposed to be mailed no later than the 15th, but I was late and couldn't get to the post office until the 20th. So I paid for additional shipping to get it to her by Friday.  My tracking shows it was delivered.....but I have't heard from my pal so I dont know if she got it or liked it.

I have not heard a word from my other pal since I replied to her email asking for what kinds of foods I like.  That email was sent on February 5th.  I did not recieve a package. Yes, I'm bitter about this regardless of whether or not there was a warning on the website that it might happen. 

Other than not getting a box, I am upset that neither person I'm paired with are bloggers or on Twitter (one is on Twitter...but is not active). I was hoping this would be a fun social networking experience. But nope. Turns out, I just spent $30 to mail a box of food to a stranger with no recourse.

Whateves.

I'll get over it.

Doubt I will participate in #FoodiePenPals again though.

Monday Madness

After a lovely weekend, I have plenty to download.  Enjoy the random bullet points of thought going through my brain this morning...

• I am SO sore from the core work I did on Friday. It was the good sore on Saturday. Today it is an annoying sore. I did core work...why the eff do my inner thighs and shoulder blades hurt like a mo fo?
• Saturday night I went to a going away party for a college friend.  It was at a bar. Like the noisy, meat market, country music karaoke in between dance songs kind of bar. I haven't been to one in years. All 20 of our classmates were invited and only 3 showed up. I'm mildly disappointed in them. We all claimed to be there for each other and never lose touch but here it is, two months later and people can't be bothered to some say farewell to a dear friend. Anyway, I had 2 drinks total and danced like I did in my early 20s. It was a blast! Now that I think about it, that's likely why my inner thighs hurt. Dancing like that in 5 inch heels...um, yea. I got home at 2 am. It was delightful, but I am too old for that crap.
• Vacation is just 5 weeks away.  I'm dying of excitement. I want to get out of town so badly! (I know the pic says 4 weeks...but I messed up..and corrected it...but was too lazy to take another picture.)

• I've started weighing myself twice a week. Monday's and Thursday's.  Reason: I forget all my goals on Saturday and Sunday and am super focused during the week.  By Thursday the scale shows a beautiful number and on Monday is it up from there.  Which is why I am floating in between 152 and 150 each week, but never going below 150. That being said, I can see changes in the shape of my body from the elliptical work I have been doing, so I am okay with it.  Still....I want to be below 150 if I am putting on a swimsuit. Especially a bikini.
• So a good friend's sister whom I have known her whole life has decided to start losing weight. She signed up for a gym and MyFitnessPal, which is great. But that's where the greatness stops.  She has lost 19lbs in 2 weeks. She eats 100 calories a day, and burns over 800.  I have sent her several notes telling her to slow down, focus on being healthy, and work on a plan that is maintainable not a crash diet. She told me that since she takes several vitamins a day what she is doing is completely healthy, and she is in nursing school so she knows this as fact. I told her "Well, its your body, destroy it if you want to. But you will never maintain your goals with that approach." I was then immediately blocked on FB and MFP.  Which makes me laugh. SO mature. Whatever. I know her well enough to know that this is just a phase she is going through.  Just like her jewelry making "business" and "equestrian training" she will get bored and quit. Which is sad because she is obese and does need to lose weight, it is good because what she is doing is even more unhealthy than being large (in my opinion). 
• On Friday I will post about my #FoodiePenPals experience. I'm going to start drafting that blog tomorrow as it won't be polite and it will take several edits to remove the Bitch-factor.
• I love Trader Joe's. Like LOVE.  We went for the first time last Sunday, and again yesterday. I have their pre-made salads for lunch all this week, plus lots of other goodies for dinner.
• This weeks menu:
• Monday: Shrimp salad for lunch. Broccoli Beef with brown rice for dinner. (Elliptical)
• Tuesday: Santa Fe salad for lunch. Grilled chicken with Cheese Tortellini & tomato sauce for dinner. (Elliptical)
• Wednesday: Lunch will be fruit with yogurt & hard boiled eggs. Taking the Man to my favorite Lebanese restaurant for dinner. (This will be my splurge meal of the week.)
• Thursday: Greek salad for lunch.  Spinach, feta, and red pepper stuffed flank steaks with roasted potatoes for dinner. (Elliptical)
• Friday: Another salad for lunch (forgot what flavor). Leftovers for dinner. (Elliptical)
• Saturday: Late lunch/early dinner at fave BBQ restaurant followed by shoe shopping. (Elliptical)
• Sunday: Corned Beef & Cabbage in the crock pot.
• Speaking of the elliptical.  I need a nag buddy. I got on it Monday, Wednesday & Thursday last week. Meant to get on it Friday...did ab work instead. Said I would do it Saturday and didn't.  Promised I would do it Sunday and didn't. I'm a liar. This week I WILL haul my ass up there 4 days. I should really do the ab video that I found on Friday too.

Have a great week everyone!  XOXOX

February Update

Here is another fun filled bullet point heavy brain dump...

• I weigh the exact same amount this month as I did last month at this time.  Which is fine...I guess...but I really wanted to be closer to my dream weight for the cruise we have planned for the first week in April.
• Speaking of...as part of my hormonal spending spree I bought a 7-night Mexico cruise.  The husband and I haven't been on a real vacation just the two of us since our last cruise...I think that was 4 years ago.  (It's funny, I can't remember the year, but I know exactly how much I weighed on that cruise. It was a lot. I had just reached my 10% goal weight loss on WW...and promptly quit.) I am SUPER excited about this trip and have the plan in my head to buy & wear a bikini.  I'm not exactly bikini ready yet, but I'm working on it (see next bullet point). 
• We finally set up the elliptical in our bedroom.  I have been on it 3 times a week ever since.  I love it so fricken much!  When I first got on it I wanted to die after 30 minutes on the lowest resistance, but now I am up to 45 minutes at half max resistance.  My goal is to get comfortable at an hour time length at this resistance, then increase from there with more resistance and incline.  I also bought some 2lb arm weights with the hope that it adds a little extra burn power.  Haven't noticed any change there yet.  Overall, I feel great.  I feel better about myself and thinner even if the scale doesn't agree.  I want to feel good in my nearly naked skin when we go to Mexico.  I know there is nothing to be done about the cellulite on the back of my thighs, but hopefully toning and slimming make a small difference in the dimply-ness. 
• So, Fitbloggin is in Portland in June, and I live in Portland.  While I would LOVE to go, the topics are more focused for bloggers with actual followers and fitness related topics.  That being said, reviewing the list of people attending there are a TON of people going who I would die to meet.  People I follow on Twitter especially.  I'm torn.  I don't want to pay a bunch of money just to meet these people and get the swag.  I can make myself 100% available during the entire event for ANY person who wants to hang out.  I am also available for chauffeur services.  I will likely be paying close attention for last minute cancellations with people offering up their tickets. 
• I have no idea what "Harlem Shake" or "Catfish" is. Nor do I care.
• Downton Abbey is no longer my favorite show. It gives me rage.
• I still haven't bought the Sperry's I mentioned last month.  But I did spend quite a bit on a new Coach wallet and some shirts from Forever21.  I still want the shoes.  And I also want this... (But with mine & Man's initials)

• I signed up to do Foodie Pen Pals this month.  At first I was super excited about it, but so far I am not impressed.  My pen pal that I send stuff too AND the pen pal I get stuff from are both not bloggers or on Twitter.  I sent off my box to my pen pal today (forgot to take a picture to post).  It was late so I paid extra to rush delivery to her.  The pen pal who is supposed to send me something has not contacted me.  I doubt she will either.
• I wish my blog was awesome and popular enough that companies would give me free shit to review.  I would like a free plane ticket specifically.  But I will also take shoes, food, accessories, technology, beverages, or anything really. 

That's all for now my lovelies.  xoxo

Thursday Things

I have a bunch of random crap in my head that I need somewhere do dump...so here it is...

• Been tracking on MyFitnessPal the last few weeks, and while I love the program and am doing great at tracking, I'm not doing so good at staying within my calories for the day.  I put myself at wanting to lose a half a pound a week because that feels like a good amount for me as I am okay with what I weigh now and am in no hurry or dire need to get the few pounds I put on last year back off.  I liked how on WW I had "Weeklies" to use when I go over my daily allotment.  I wish I had the same on MFP because I go over each day. Some days by a lot, and some days by a little. But it all adds up.
• I'm really irritated at Weight Watchers right now and I don't know if this is still left over random hormonal rage or real annoyance.  I'm only a few ounces away from my Lifetime weight so with minor effort I could get to where it was free for me again and start going back.  But I just don't want to.  I'm not going to detail out why I am mad mostly because it is ridiculous, but also because my rant will hurt some people's feelings. I haven't yet sorted out my anger into a way that is only directed at the company so until I do, I will keep it to myself.  I still love the program, and I know that it works and is an amazing system that I will continue to recommend to everyone who wants to lose weight and get healthy.
• Finally bought an elliptical last night. As my treadmill is in storage, and I have completely lost all interest in running, this seemed like a good way for me to get some activity in. The only problem is that we currently have no room for it in the house where we are living.  Some drastic changes to our living arrangement needs to be made in order for it to fit in our room.  These changes are out of my control as it isn't my house or my crap that is in the way.
• Speaking of living situations...looks like we aren't buying a house any time soon. Nor does it look like the MIL will be moving out any time soon.  While I am disappointed with both scenarios, I understand the reasons and I am coping with the fact that all of this is also out of my control and I just have to have patience.  For right now, I take each day as it comes and deal the best I can.
• My emotions have finally calmed down from the hormonal roller coaster I have been on the last few weeks.  The extreme rage and random tears really freaked me out.  It's nice to have my body & mind back in my control again.  I'm still saddened by the situation, but I've come to terms with it and I feel okay.  The support I received from everyone on Twitter was amazing and that really helped. I can't even begin to explain how much it helped. (Support from the real people in my life? Well that's a different story completely that I won't get into. Some of them were fantastic..and others behaved "par for the course"). Today marks 2 weeks from my hospital visit. In 2 months we can try again. Not that we tried before. I've cut myself off from margaritas until then, just to be safe.
• I have a serious shoe crush right now. It's bad. I can't stop thinking about them, but I am too cheap to actually buy them.  I have hated boat shoes for years and years because I have this irrational feeling that unless you own a boat they are silly.  But then I realized I own ballet flats, but don't do ballet. Plus I need a sturdy pair of flats that are cute, pair with socks, and aren't boring.  They come in other colors. Right now, I love the white, but I would also like the pink, silver, and purple

• I've been spending money like crazy lately so I need to hold back on silly purchases like glittery shoes for a while. Well, at least until the check clears from paying off my credit card that we used on vacation.
• I have changed my address with every place that has it, and yet mail still goes to the old house. Yesterday I emailed 2 people confirming the new address. I resisted the urge to type "For the SECOND TIME, here is my new address...".  I feel like a lot of things are getting lost in the mail and it is stressing me out. We used to get a ton of mail at the old house and now we get like one or two things every other day. That can't be right.
• I should post more often with random bullet points of crap in my brain. Mostly because it feels nice, but also so that I have less to dump on my few readers. Likely no one has even gotten this far into my rambling, so I guess it doesn't matter.  I post here for me anyway.
• I can't remember what else I had to bitch about.  I guess that's a good thing!

xoxo