What do I really look like?

I've had some thoughts rumbling around in my head and I wanted to get them out...so here goes.  Hopefully it makes sense.

Lately I have really been struggling with my perception of myself.  Even though my weight isn't ideal, it is just about 2 pounds over my max comfortable weight. Those little silly 2 pounds have me all messed up inside and thinking I am a huge big fat blob.  Really. 2 fricking pounds? They make all the difference between loving and hating myself?  What does 2 pounds really look like on me? Seriously.  I can't tell.  I only know because the scale tells me.

I've been beating myself up for weeks now over 7 pounds. SEVEN. My clothes fit. My pants zip. Granted they are slightly tighter than I like, but they don't look terrible. These tight-fitting, still zipping, pants are a size 6. And I'm whining about being too fat.  Six years ago I was in an un-zipped size 16 that was too tight because the dryer shrunk them and I felt fine about myself.  Why am I letting 7 stupid pounds take up so much space in my head?

I've been doing pretty good being back on track with Weight Watchers.  Lost 5lbs, in my first 2 weeks.  Tracked for 17 days straight.  Then I ran out of Weekly Points on a Thursday so called the week a failure and quit tracking and binged. Taco bell, ice cream, beer, candy, pizza, more beer, and a box of Lucky Charms were demolished.  (Update: an hour after typing this I weighed in at my Weight Watchers meeting. Lost 2.2lbs. At my Lifetime weight again!! Why am I so damn hard on myself?! I'm really my own worst enemy!)

And then yesterday the following conversation happened while shopping for some new yoga pants to wear to Fitbloggin:

Me: What size should I get?  The Small says its size 4-6 and the Medium is 8-10.
Husband: What size do you wear?
Me: 6
Husband: So get the Small.
Me: But...I'm not small.
Husband: Yes you are.
Me: No, I'm not.
Husband: According to that tag, if you wear a size 6 you are a Small.
Me: (about to cry) But...But.... I'm not small...
Husband: You may not think you are small, but you are. So buy the damn pants, and let's go. I'm hungry.

This makes me wonder.  Why do I think I am so huge?  I'm not huge. I'm Small.  And yes, I bought the pants.  And yes, they fit. Perfectly.  Why do I let the stupid tag on a pair of pants define me and make me feel a certian way about myself.  And to be honest, I don't feel any better about myself because the Small fit. So what is the big deal?  Why the hell do I still think I need to lose weight? When did being a size Small lose it's shine?  I remember crying when I put on my first ever size 8 pants. What happened to that girl?

When I hear what pant size another woman I know wears I spend hours analyzing their body shape to the picture I have in my head for what my body shape is.  Regardless of what their pant size is or their height/weight ratio, in my head I am bigger than them.  It doesn't even matter in the least bit but I dwell and dwell on it like you wouldn't believe!  Even though I know that every body is different and everyone carries their weight different.  I can't help but focus on it.  Sometimes I think I need someone to hand me a picture of someone elses body who is the exact same height/weight/measurements as me so I can see with clear eyes what everyone else sees when they look at me. Because what I see is a mess.

And the worst part about it all is that I do NOTHING to change what I hate about my shape.  I just whine, bitch, moan, complain, and self-depreciate. I would love my butt to be perkier and less cellulite-y.  But do I do squats? No.  I stare in the mirror and hate my ass and compare how awful it is to other asses I have seen on people who DO likely do squats.

What the holy eff is my problem?  Seriously.

Why can't I just be happy with myself? And if I can't be happy, why can't that be motivation to fix it?

I want to be fit.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  And yet, I don't want to do any of the things required to maintain it. I say I want it, but my actions say otherwise.

I need to think on this more.  I also need to come up with a plan and stick to it for making myself happy and staying that way.

Maybe I will learn some things at Fitbloggin to help me with this issue.  Hopefully I will meet some new people who understand and will be motivators to help me.  Or at least someone to slap me in the face so I snap out of this slump and realize how ridiculous I am being.

xoxo