Star Wars Half Marathon Training: Weeks 4, 5, & 6

Overall I am happy with how my training is going.  It isn’t on schedule or going as planned, but I am progressing and feeling good.  I think that is what is the most important.

 

I know I am not where I “should” be for my training, but I have until mid-January to get to 13 miles.  Maybe I’m being too optimistic, I don’t know.  I’m rarely optimistic so I doubt that’s the case.  Running feels good right now, and I’m enjoying myself.  The miles I am doing feel comfortable and I want to keep that going for as long as I can.  I’ve progressed from barely running 3 miles without wanting to die a month ago to running over 5 miles without stopping for walk breaks.  That’s a sign I’m doing something right.  It has to be.

 

Plan

Week 4: Monday-5 miles, Wednesday-30 min elliptical, Saturday-6.5 miles

Week 5: Monday-5 miles, Wednesday-30 min elliptical, Saturday-7 miles

Week 6: Monday-5 miles, Wednesday-30 min elliptical, Saturday-7.5 miles

 

 

Actual

Week 4: Tuesday – 45 min elliptical, Thursday – 5.43 miles, Sunday – 6.12 miles

Week 5: Tuesday – 3.07 miles, Thursday – 5.12 miles, Sunday – 3.35 miles (with no walk breaks)

Week 6:  Tuesday – 5.51 miles (no walk breaks), Thursday – about 5 miles, Sunday – 1.18 miles

 

 

So of the 3 weeks I’m recapping here, only one of them is close to the “Plan”.  The rest are just me running based on how it feels and my schedule.  Week 6 I ran on Thursday while on a business trip, with 3 other coworkers at the buttcrack of dawn in 40 degree temperatures while not properly dressed for the weather with no tracking devices for time or distance.  I’m VERY proud of that run.  Then on Sunday…well…I got a side cramp from chugging water before leaving the house.  It’s my fault.

 

I’m in love with my new “hands-free” water bottle and the Energy Beans I mentioned in my last post.  They both work great!  I don’t eat as many beans as the instructions say to though because the amount of calories and caffeine in a whole pack of beans isn’t worth it for me.  Plus I can see results with only a few beans at time. 

 

I have already signed up for my 2^nd half marathon to take place one month after my first one.  Probably a stupid idea, but there’s nothing I can do about it now!

 

I’ve not been around on the internet a lot lately and there is a reason for that.  I’ve got some stuff going on that I’m not ready to talk about yet.  I’ll probably confess in my next post or the one after that,  We will see.

 

Hopefully ya’ll follow me on IG because I post a lot there and that will be the best way to stay up to date with my training runs.  

Xoxo

Star Wars Half Marathon Training: Weeks 2 & 3

Long story short…I suck at being consistent and following through with training.

 

I worked SO hard to create the perfect training schedule and set myself up perfectly to be prepared for my half marathon.  And here it is, day 22 of training  and I’ve pretty much done nothing but make excuses and whine. I even set up reminders on my calendar to write recap posts and haven’t completed those in a timely manner either.

 

Plan

Week 1: Monday-3 miles, Wednesday-30 min elliptical, Saturday-4 miles

Week 2: Monday-3 miles, Wednesday-30 min elliptical, Saturday-5 miles

Week 3: Monday-4 miles, Wednesday-30 min elliptical, Saturday-5.5 miles

Week 4: Monday-5 miles, Wednesday-30 min elliptical, Saturday-6.5 miles

 

Actual

Week 1: Monday-3 miles, Wednesday-3.5 miles

Week 2:  Tuesday-4 miles, Thursday-4 miles

Week 3:  Monday-27 min elliptical, Thursday-20 min elliptical, Saturday-2 miles

Week 4:  Nothing so far…planned to either run 4 miles or get on the elliptical tonight before dinner.

 

And the plan to get back to my “happy weight”….yea…no progress there at all.  Dropped a few pounds then gain the right back.  I’m tracking 5 days a week though and being pretty honest about it.  Or at least trying to.  It’s the weekends that really put a hitch in my giddy up. And beer…beer doesn’t help either.

 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I cannot get motivated and I can’t stop being negative.  EVERYTHING in my life I feel negative about. I’m sad and miserable for no reason at all.  I see it, and I hate it, but I’ve not done anything about it.  I keep hoping I’ll just wake up and be back to feeling happy and focused.  My social calendar has been fuller than I like lately too which hasn’t helped.  The husband and I had a chat last night and he agreed to help push me more and get me moving on the weekends instead of being lazy.  I just have to get the long run over with, then I have the rest of the weekend to relax and eat.  It’s all mental.  I need to get past this mental hurdle.  (Then the physical hurdles can begin….ugh…)

 

I’ve been posting a lot of my training stuff on Instagram to help keep myself accountable.  Mostly I think I am annoying my few followers because I’m such a “Negative Nancy”.  I love the positive comments and likes though.  It really makes me feel better about myself to know there are people who care.

 

It’s no wonder I have no friends IRL.  I’m horribly depressing and probably annoying to be around. Ugh.

 

On a more positive note, I was just informed that the new water bottle I ordered from Amazon has arrived.  I’m super excited about it. I bought a belt water bottle holder years ago, but didn’t like how it felt so I don’t wear it.  I’ve been running with a regular bottle in my hand for a while now, and it’s been a little annoying. And last week after I got bumped by a car on my silly 2 mile run (long story…see my IG...I’m fine…)  the husband asked me to carry my phone when I run in case something happens. So that inspired me to order one of the fancy hand held ones that have pockets. I might just go out and try it tonight on the road.  But maybe not…I’ll probably just make excuses and not do a dang thing…who knows…

 

I also ordered some energy beans that are supposed to be super great for mid-run pick-me-ups.  I’ll give those a shot on my next long run, whenever that is.  I don’t really like jelly beans, but of all the other options out there they seemed the least horrible.  Plus the little packets will fit nicely in the pocket of my new water bottle! I bought a whole case of them so hopefully they are worth it.  If not…maybe I’ll do a giveaway.

 

 

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Star Wars Half Training: Week 1

With the Star Wars Half in mid January and me not running since April, I knew that getting my training schedule started early would be important so September 1^st marked Day 1 of Half Marathon training for me. 

 

I actually had my running schedule booked into my Outlook calendar for several months now.  I planned ahead and took the time to schedule individual runs 3 days a week from September through January.  They are even specially color coded and contain lots of exclamation pointed reminders to get me motivated.

 

The First also marked my first day back to tracking seriously with Weight Watchers again.  For about the last year I have been half-assing it and tracking maybe 4 days a week (if at all).  My weight sucks right now, and I’m not happy about it.  I’m not in a bad place, and can get the weight back off easily, I just have to pay attention and work at it.  I’d like to be back to my “happy” weight in time for the half marathon, but I’m not going to stress on it too much.  I know when I amp up my training I will need more fuel to keep my body going so I can’t be full on “diet mode”.  I also don’t want the holidays and training to be an excuse to binge and eat all the things.  This week I made it 5 days of honest tracking….and then…well…I’ll explain later.

 

A lot of this training and the Half Marathon itself will be more mental for me than physical.  I’m very confident that my body will be able to take me across that finish line (as long as I take good care of it).  But it’s my mind that will be my biggest hurdle to overcome.  When I drew up my training calendar I did a lot of research and grabbed lots of other example schedules to work off of.  Many of them had the longest run being 10 or 11 miles prior to race day.  I didn’t like that.  I want to be able to know that my body can do a minimum of 13 miles before I set foot in California.  I also want to enjoy my time on the course too.  I’m paying a lot of money for this race, and I don’t want to be a miserable mess the entire time.  So I created my own training schedule and will run upwards of 13 miles several times prior to the official race.  I also don’t want to be self concious or unhappy with my body while running or posing for photos, so that’s another reason I want to drop some weight before the race too.  

 

So Monday I started with 3 miles (easy).  I told myself to go slow and just get into the groove of things.  I was also running in a brand new pair of shoes so I wanted to take it as easy as possible.  The husband tagged along for a bit on his bike which was nice.  The run was tough, but I got through it. 

 

Then Wednesday I had planned on spending 30 minutes on the elliptical but it was a beautiful sunny day so I opted to run instead.  Big mistake.  Huge.  I ran alone with my own thoughts to keep me company and spent the whole time just beating myself up.  I could feel my thighs rubbing together, I could see my muffin top in my shadow on the road in front of me, I felt people looking at me and judging me for how slow I was going.  It was just unhappy and uncomfortable.  I did almost 3.5 miles in over 40 minutes.  Back in April I was just about to break my record and run a 5k in under 30 min.  So yea, I beat myself up a lot over that.

 

Then the weekend hit and I had a bit of a mental breakdown and couldn’t get out of bed.  I tried. But I just couldn’t do it.  The husband had to physically drag me up and get me moving for our regularly scheduled “Date Night” on Saturday.  I barely made it.  I cried 3 times just trying to get dressed.  He took me to my favorite local brewery for dinner and beers followed by ice cream and that helped a little. (If you’re in the Portland area, you have to go to Salt & Straw for ice cream. It’s amazing. I can’t get enough.)  Sunday I didn’t even bother to try and run.  The husband didn’t event bother to make me. He could see I needed to hide from the world for anther day so brought me coffee in bed and let me be.  I’m still not back to myself yet, but I’m working on it.  Seriously people, dperession is real, and ugly, and hard. 

 

So today I will hit the pavement for 4 miles instead of the 3 that are planned to make up for the 4 that I didn’t do on Saturday.  Then Wednesday I will need to do 4 again.  I have plans to go to Seattle on Friday and Saturday so my long run of 5 miles will have to be done on Sunday.  Unless I get out of this slump and get super motivated, wake up at 6 AM on Friday, run 5 miles, shower, then get in my car before 8 to make it to Seattle by lunch time….we will see.  For now, this week is just about being gentle with myself which is easier said than done.

 

I’ve added a reminder to my calendar to write up quick recap posts for my training each week.  Mostly to keep myself accountable, but we will see how that goes.  We all know I suck at blogging on the regular.

 

xoxo

 

Who's got team spirit? (Not me...)

 

A while back I got asked to join a kickball team with some people from work.  The timing was just perfect as kickball would start just a few weeks after my dragon boating ended.  I was looking for another activity to take up time and get me out of the house so I gladly signed up and sent off my $45 registration fee to join the team.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  It would be my first real team sport.  Plus, as an added bonus it would be a great opportunity for me to maybe get some actual friends.  In my head I pictured the team being all laughs and fun, with get-togethers after the games to celebrate our wins, lots of high-fives, cheering and team spirit.

 

Boy, was I wrong.

 

 

So very very wrong.

 

 

Prior to our first game the league sent everyone on the team our schedule and the handbook with all the rules. Of course, I read that thing cover to cover because rules are important and I knew very little about kickball to begin with.  I also added all the games to my work calendar so it was prioritized on my schedule.  I showed up early for the first game and was ready to rock.

 

But I was the only one…

 

Our “team captain” had never played the game before, didn’t read the handbook, had no idea how to organize players on the field or the kicking list and basically had no clue what she was doing.  She only started the team because it sounded like fun.  And I totally understand that, taking a risk and trying something new is awesome. But come on, do the research, figure it all out, and come prepared.  Especially when others are depending on you and financially invested in it.

 

So the whole season went along just like that first game.  We were scheduled for a total of 6 games. 2 games we didn’t have enough female players show up. 1 game we didn’t have enough male players. 1 game it rained and only 4 people showed up. The league requires a minimum of 4 males and 4 females to play a game.  We had 6 females on our team. Of those 6, I was the only one who showed up to all the games.  One person showed up 20 minutes late to half the games, one person only showed up to ONE game and annoyed everyone so much we were glad she didn’t come back.  The “team captain” missed 4 games and didn’t play in one of the games she showed up to due to a headache (or some stupid shit excuse…I can’t exactly remember but it pissed me off).

 

Our team was unorganized and just a mess.  The other girls on the team put forth no effort (except one who was also super disappointed in how things were going) so the boys had to work extra hard to compensate.  This really frustrated me because I wanted to participate and play hard, but the boys just assumed I was worthless and played like I was invisible.  Sure, I missed most of the fly balls that came at me, but I still tried to catch them.  Jumping front of me screaming “I’ve got it, get out of the way” is no way to play a game and be part of a team.  Sure we all want to win, but I’m also there to have fun and participate.  After a while I started to get snobby about it with side comments to the boys after then cut me out of a play.  “I was trying for that ball you know” or “You could have thrown it to me, I was right there”.  I spent most of the game just focused on keeping my sanity instead of enjoying myself.  

 

And the suckiest part about all of this is that we were actually pretty good!  For the games that people actually showed up, we won.  And our last game when we had just enough players to play with the minimum and the other team had like 15 people we slaughtered them.  

 

Yesterday was the first game of the semi-finals.  My team was in 5^th place.  I didn’t go to the game.  Once again, not enough people showed and my team was forced to forfeit and lost. We are now out of the finals and are done for the season.  I missed the game out of stupid petty anger and no other reason.  I feel super guilty about it.  I could have gone to the game.  But I didn’t.  I felt inconvenienced by the last minute notification of the game itself and I wasn’t prepared for it.  The husband would have had to reorganize his day to not only bring me clothes to change into but he would have to drive me to and from the game as well. (The one time he drives me to work because he needs my car…I actually would have needed my car…jeez).

 

I’m trying to keep my sanity and not get all bent out of shape and never join a team again.  This team may have been a fluke, but who knows.  I already don’t like people enough as it is.  It feels like every time I try to branch out with human interaction I get burned.  Maybe the lesson here is in fact to continue to avoid humans.  I just don’t know. I’m also peeved about the money.  To others $45 may not be that much, but with my husband not working it’s a big deal to us.  When I put my money on the table that’s a big thing. The girl that only showed up for 1 game also paid the same amount…I guess to her money means nothing and you can just waste it by not showing up.  That’s not how I roll. I want to get my money’s worth. (Which is why I need to not be around buffets or open bars.)

 

Last week I was asked to join a softball team.  I looked at the schedule and I would miss 3 games due to my vacation schedule in August.  So I turned down the offer!  I wish everyone else did that too.  It would make me feel less like an ass-face for actually giving a shit.  And it would make others look less like ass-faces for NOT giving a shit.

 

 

But here is my advice for all of you:  When you sign up to do something ACTUALLY DO IT.  When you commit, be 110% committed. Don’t half ass your commitment when others are depending on you.

 

Sorry for all the Negative Nancy rambling…I needed to get that off my chest…

 

xoxo

Playing Catch-Up

I realized today that it has been a really long time since I last posted.  I’m sure no one has noticed, but I feel like playing a bit of catch up anyway.

 

This is what has been going on the last few months:

 

·         I’m no longer taking the stairs every day.  Not because I am being lazy but because I changed positions within the company and moved to a different building that is only one level. My car is now spitting distance from my desk so my daily steps have dropped significantly. The change happened just over a month ago and I’m still trying to determine my new routine for this job so I haven’t figured out a way to add walking back into my working hours.

·         Back in early April I signed up to be on a Dragon Boat team. It was one of the greatest things I have ever done.  Those who follow me on Twitter got to hear the play by play of my practices 3 nights a week for 10 weeks followed by a long weekend of racing in early June.  It was hard on my body but worth every second.  I loved it.  My team did great coming in 3^rd place in our division and 7^th place overall.  I can’t wait until next April when practice starts again!

·         Just before Dragon Boat ended I was looking to find another activity to get out of the house and get my heart rate pumping so I signed up to be on a kick ball team with some coworkers. I regret it already.  Mostly because the people on my team lack commitment but also because I am terrible at kickball.  I’m trying though, and I guess that is what counts.  And unlike most of the people on my team I actually have shown up for every game.  It really frustrates me when people agree to do something, put money into it, and then don’t follow through. I showed up for a game in record breaking rainfall.  Only 4 other people did out of 15 on the team.

·         Speaking of team members that suck…My Portland to Coast team may be the death of me.  It’s like pulling teeth with them to get things accomplished.  I’m betting we either get disqualified or don’t race this year. Which sucks as it is already paid for and my mom is flying out for the race. I’ve been wanting to run the Hood to Coast relay version for several years now, so I’ve decided this will be my last year herding cats on a walking team.  7 years is enough…it’s time to move on.  (Shhhhh, don’t tell my team yet….)

·         I didn’t go to Fitbloggin this year and I sort of regret it.  But also sort of don’t.  I didn’t have the money to go, but I missed seeing my friends.  And I’ve gotten the impression that this year’s event wasn’t that great.  The sponsors were phenomenal from what I can tell though.  I’m toying with the idea of going next year when it’s in Denver.  We will see.  Depends on who else is going.

·         My 4-year Lifetime Anniversary with Weight Watchers is in just under 2 weeks.  I’m currently 5lbs over my goal weight and have been for quite some time. I’m not happy about it, and only half-assing my efforts to get back down to where I should be.  I feel gross. I’m working on getting back down to where I need to be and staying there, but it’s harder than it used to be for some reason and I just don’t know why.

·          I have a jam-packed summer, which I actually kind of like. Last week my very good friend came to visit me for a week.  Even though we talk every day we haven’t seen each other for 2 years so it was nice to be reunited.  And then in a few weeks another good friend I haven’t seen in a year is coming to town for a few days on “business” and has promised me a few evenings of her schedule. Then in August my mom and step dad will be in town most of the month and we are going to Disneyland for a few days.  (Where I plan to have beers with another friend I haven’t seen in a year).  And then in September I am going to Seattle to see yet another friend who I haven’t seen in a year too!

·         I signed up for a half marathon in Disney World in January!  I am super excited!  My mom will be racing with me as well.  A great mother/daughter weekend!  I need to get on a training plan as I haven’t run since…April?  Yikes!

 

 

I really need to make a better effort to blog more.  I enjoy it, but I get discouraged a lot due to lack of response.  I’m a super jealous person so when I see all my internet friends getting free crap from companies and lots of blog traffic I get all green with envy…but then I have to remind myself that I don’t really put as much attention into this silly little blog as they do.  I also have nothing interesting or original to say.  Sometimes I get great ideas on things I would like to write about, but then I don’t…because I suck. 

 

HA!

 

XOXO

Takin' the Stairs, like a Boss!

Back in April of last year I switched jobs within the same company and moved to a new building. In the previous building I was on the 2nd floor of a 3 story building. Now I am on the 6th floor of a 9 story building. When I first moved I was excited about the opportunity to take the stairs instead of the elevator to get in a little mor activity but I quickly learned that it was not an option for me to do so.

(It's cute how I say I wanted to take the stairs for "activity" that's totally a lie, I actually hate elevators. I don't like being that close to strangers. I also say I park in the back lot because it's a farther walk. That's a lie too. I'm terrified of parking garages.)

Last week one of my coworkers walked by huffing and puffing saying she had just taken the stairs and was out of breath. I made her immediately turn around and show me where and how she got into the stairwell. Another coworker overheard and tagged along because he was also interested in taking the staris! Next thing I know, they are online ordering Fitbits and I am drafting up a calendar to keep track of how oftern we take the stairs up and down!

I was on cloud nine that whole day. As many of you who follow me on Twitter know, I have don't have the best relationship with people I work with. I mean, my new team is NOTHING like The Bitches from my previous job, but I've never felt like I belonged.

Well, that was last week. On Monday of this week two other coworkers noticed what the three of us were doing and JOINED IN! Now all 5 of us are taking the stairs when we get in each morning, and any time we need something down stairs. What's even better is that when one of us is going down we say "Stairs?" and everyone (who is available) gets up and tags along!

My heart is so full right now for all the positivity and commradery. Who would have thought something so simple would bring us together? It is awesome.

And the best part? My thighs. It's been a week and I can already feel a difference. I had no idea that it would be so hard to walk up 6 flights of stairs (a total of 154 total stairs to be exact). I am winded by the 5th floor and struggle the last bit. Expecially in the morning when I am carrying my purse and lunch bag.

Also, just by adding the daily stairs I have increased my daily step count enough to reach my 5,000 goal every day this week! Usually I only get my goal on the weekends! (If you want to add me as a friend on Fitbit, my user name is SuperErizzle. I can't figure out how to add friends, so you have to add me.)

In my last post I talked about how small changes really do add up, and this is just more example of that! If you are struggling or having a hard time or feel overwhelmed by your goals, just do ONE thing different. Then do one more thing. And then one more.

Also, don't be afraid to talk about your journey with others. You never know who you will inspire or who will inspire you.

I haven't seen any difference on the scale yet, but that's not really what matters in the grand scheme of things.

And speaking of the scale...I'm above my goal weight again. Not by much, but by enough. I'm working hard to get it back down. I've tracked 100% for 2 weeks straight and that's the first time I have done that in...well...I can't even remember. The scale may not be showing a number I want right now, but I am SO happy with everything that I am doing. I'm taking yoga once a week, I'm back on a training schedule (15k, Baby!), I'm drinking 100oz of water a day, and I'm tracking honestly every day.

Oh, and I was thinking of finally taking the plunge and buying my own domain name and creating an actual real website for all my random blogging. If any of you readers know how to do that and are willing to help, please let me know. I feel really restricted in this current format and I would really like to grow this little blog a bit more.

xoxo

Small Changes Really Add Up!

While eating dinner the other night my Mr. and I had the episode of Big Bang Theory on where they all buy the time machine. Randomly I said "If I had a time machine, I would go back 10 years just to tell you that not only would you eventually be married to someone this hot, but you would be eating a vegetables every night by choice. I bet you wouldn't believe me". He agreed. We discussed for quite a bit how different our eating habits are now from when we first got married. It really is unbelievable how far we have come in 7 years! And the most impressive part about all of them is that we keep it up. We enjoy the changes and look forward to making more.

What kind of changes have we made? Okay, well…to begin with we eat vegetables every night with dinner. Without fail. My vegetable-hating husband always picks. 5 years ago, if we ate veggies it was corn. Maybe green beans. And that’s it. I've always loved veggies but I never cooked them because Mr. didn't eat them. But when it became important to my lifestyle to have them, I started cooking them for myself, he would try them and most of the time he actually liked them! Now we eat broccoli, bell peppers, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, spinach, kale, and asparagus pretty regularly and barely eat corn any more. Green beans will always be a family favorite though. And we buy fresh local, or frozen (preferably organic) veggies. I can't even remember the last time we bought canned veggies. Which is what we used to always eat. Just the idea of eating a canned vegetable grosses me out now. (I keep a few on hand though. In case of the apocalypse. Just enough to tide us over until we can plant/can our own after society collapses.)

Other things different about our diet now that have slowly changed over time:
1) Limited artificial sugars - no HFCS or aspartame. Splenda or Stevia only. (Cutting back on the Splenda where we can.)
2) No palm oil! (Save the orangutans!)
3) We eat breakfast. I started this when I got on Weight Watchers and then talked the husband into doing it too. We both really aren't morning eaters but with some trial and error we found what works. I have yogurt and fruit usually. He has a V8 and a "breakfast bar" (which is what everyone else calls a granola bar).
3) We make it from scratch instead of buying packaged if possible.
4) Buy local when possible. (And yes, we are willing to pay more for it.)
5) Fresh ground spices and spice mixes from a spice store. (They may be more $$ but they taste better and have less added crap like salt.)
6) Dropped from 2% milk to 1% milk 5 years ago when I started Weight Watchers. Last year we switched to organic milk. It tastes better and lasts longer. (Seriously, check the expiration date on organic vs. regular. It is actually a cost savings to buy organic if you don't use it quickly like us.)
7) Limited diet soda intake. I used to drink a minimum of 32oz a day. Now I have like 1 a week and never caffeinated. I have an addiction to sparkling water though. It's all about the bubbles! The Mr. is down to 1 can a day from 2 years ago when he was up to 4 a day. He wants to be 100% off it by the end of the year so we are currently looking for alternative caffeinated beverages for him. (He hates coffee and most teas).
8) We don't eat McDonald's. We used to go weekly. I would order 2 double cheeseburgers, a large frie, 9 piece chicken nuggets and a side of tartar sauce. For myself. Then when I started Weight Watchers I had to quit eating like that because of the Points. I only splurged on it maybe once a month for years. Then 2 years ago I found a left over double cheeseburger in the back of my fridge that had been there for so long I didn't even remember putting it in there. It did not rot or mold. It still looked like a double cheeseburger. But just hard as a rock. Haven't eaten there since. I find food that doesn't rot or mold to be revolting. (We still eat Taco Bell. I can't quit that shit. I know it's terrible. But tacos are life's blood. Shut up.)
9) We read labels. If it is full of chemicals we don't buy it. The shorter the ingredient list the better. (Also, the information on labels is also surprising! Did you know that the first ingredient in most coffee creamers is oil? Gross. Who wants oil in their coffee? Not me!)

But how did we do that? And how have we kept it going for so long?

We did it slowly over time. And we didn't do it all at once. One little change let to another. And those little changes really add up over time!

I honestly don't think that had we just said "Okay it is January 1st so no we no longer eat fast food and drink soda, and we only eat all organic diets from now on" we would have failed pretty quickly. Like probably 2 weeks due to Taco Bell.

Because these aren't "rules" but choices we make it's easier to keep making them. If we chose to buy or eat something that doesn’t fit our "norm" that's okay too. And we keep making adjustments and new changes too. I think in 5 more years our diet will be drastically different from what it is now too. Hopefully for the better!

I don't really know what my point is here, but I think it is this: Small changes really add up! Do one thing different and when that feels natural, do another thing. And so on!


xoxo

I did a bad bad thing.

I have a confession to make. It's bad. Like really bad. I did a crash diet to lose 2 pounds so I would be under my Lifetime limit because my "free" membership was about to expire. I only ate fruit and veggies for 2 days straight. And as a last ditch effort, I chugged laxatives and water. And you know what.... ...it didn't work. I was .8 over and had to pay the weekly fee. So it was all for nothing. I'm embarassed and ashamed. I should know better. I confessed this sin to 2 of my Weight Watcher friends yesterday just prior to my weigh in. One response was complete horror at what I was doing. The other response was in agreeance with my behaviour and a confession that she does the same sometimes. It was probably becasue I was so hungry at the time that my mind was clouded and I didn't immediatly slap us both in the face for being so hurtful to our bodies. It wasn't until after I over-indulged (but tracked)in some very delious ground turkey tacos with home made quacamole and a handful of Trader Joes' frosted gingermen cookies that it occured to me how unhealthy the conversation I had with that friend was. And that I not only need to do something about for her, but I need to stop this damn yo-yo I'm doing and be honest with myself. So here's my full confession: I have "free" Lifetime membership to Weight Watchers that lasts 8 weeks. For 7 weeks I track occasionally, work out rarely, and I don't go to meetings. Then, when my calendar alerts me that my subscription is about to expire, I crash diet. I take laxatives to "clean out" any excess junk from my guts so I will weigh less. I throw myself on the elliptical until I get all wobbly (mostly from lack of food). Then I get on the scale and hope for a pretty number so I can get renewed for 8 more weeks free. Regardless of what is on the scale that day I go home and binge becasue I'm starving. Where in the Hell did I get the idea that this was okay to do? At what point did I suddenly decide that laxatives were a good idea to save a few ounces on the scale? Laxatives are for consitpation. Not weight loss. And it is lying. Lying to yourself and the scale. Laxatives are not a "cleanse" or a "detox". They aren't going to help you get to your goal any faster. They are chemicals. And gross. People with eating disorders use them. We do NOT have an eating disorder. Like those last few little ounces of digesing food in my system really matter that much anyway. It's in there for a reason. And that reason is more important than a damn number on the scale. And besides, the binge that will occur less than an hour after stepping on the scale just counteracts every thing the laxative did. This cycle has to end. And it has to end NOW. I need to be (and here is the key) CONSISTANT. No more of this yo-yo bullshit. I know what needs to be done. I know how to do it. I'm just being lazy. Like super lazy. So, the plan moving forward is this: I will NOT wait until 8 weeks to get my shit in order. I will never again take laxatives to "clean out" my system. I will never again go without food as punishment. I will be honest with myself and treat myself kindly. I will not tolerate the same behaviour in my friends either. (So, friend, you know who you are...prepare for a lengthy lecture...it's coming. I treat my self like crap and that needs to stop. I spout all the time how much I love myself, but if that is true, why am I treating myself so badly? Sure, I look great on the outside, but what kind of damage am I doing on the inside? I need a more whole-istic (is that a thing?) approach. I've been battling a major case of the sads the last few month...well, almost a year really...and I need to snap out of it. Maybe if I treated myself better, I would feel better. Plus, having a healthy functioning system of guts would probably benefit in some other ways too. No wonder my insides are "broken" and not doing what I want them to do. No wonder I am so damn sad and lazy all the time. I'm pretty enough on the outside, time to focus on the inside and clean that up a bit. This is the part where a lot of people after having a huge emotional epiphony in December would say "And that all starts in January as my New Year's Resolution". Well, no. That's not cool either. It has to start now. I'm signing up for a 15k in the next few days. And I already have a small training plan in place. I think I may change it up though. I've nvere run further than 7 miles in my life. My plan doesn't include a lot of long runs. I need to add more. It's tough because I leave the house in the AM when it is dark and don't get home until after dark. And my treadmill is stuck in the back corner of our storage unit. I only have my elliptical available to me right now. So the plan right now is to do 2-3 long elliptical sessions during the week and a long run outside on the weekends. We'll see how that pans out. I recruited my husband as my trainer. Not becasue he knows anything about running, but because he is good at making me do things when I dont' want to do them. (Like empty the dishwasher or clean the shower). So, in conclusion my dear internet friends, please be kind to your bodies. Don't be like me. Love yourself. Both inside and out. And if you could slap me when you see or hear me saying or doing things that are negative for my innerself, please slap my pretty outer self so I stop. I'd be happy to do the same for you if you need it. Weight Watchers works. Have faith. Don't do drugs. xoxo

And now for something completely different....iFMAR Wold Championship RC Car Races: A Spectator's Review

This isn't going to be one of my usual blog posts full of bullet points and whining about my life.  If that's what you're here for, you may want to skip this post and come back when I post something else hopefully soon.

Over the weekend my husband and I made a road trip down to Chico, California to see the iFMAR World Championship RC Car Races.  If you're anything like me, you will have NO idea what this event is, but to my husband it was a big freaking deal.

My very nerdy (and handsome) husband Damon, has been loving and racing RC cars since he was a kid.  On my last count he had around 200 different cars in various stages of completion scattered throughout our garage.  He has subscriptions to all the RC magazines, frequents all the websites, blogs, and chat rooms about RC racing, and follows most if not all of the professional RC racers.  So when he saw that the World Championship races would be held not terribly far from us, it was a quick and easy decision for us to drop everything and go.  (Apparently this race happens every 2 years, and is only in the US once every 8 years, so yea, it was a big deal that it was driving distance for us.)

I instantly got online and made hotel reservations at the only hotel not booked in Chico (and it was a crap hole).  I requested a day off of work so that we could leave early to drive down to California and get to the track in time to watch the full day of qualifying on Saturday.  We found a sitter for our dogs. Packed a cooler full of snacks and beverages and hit the road.

It was a LONG 8 hour drive South for us.  I hate road trips and I suffer from car sickness like whoa.  I did not enjoy the drive.  Damon drove the whole way, wide awake out of pure excitement.  We checked into the hotel at midnight, set the alarm for 7 AM, and crawled into bed.

The next morning (Saturday), Damon was up early, dressed and ready to go in no time.  We got to the track, picked up our free tickets and entries into the HUGE raffles the were having, and went straight to the grand stands so we could watch the beginning of the qualifying rounds.  I looked around, and my first impression was that it was a beautiful track.  Huge, well maintained, and top of the line.  My second impression? "Why are there not more people here?".  While Damon watched the qualifying rounds, pointing out to me who was who and what team and what products they raced, I looked around at the people.  Just about everyone I saw had on a neck tag signifying that they were a Guest, Driver, Supplier, etc.  Everyone.  I saw no one with out one.  I figured we were missing something, so I went to investigate.  All I found was a few food venders, a couple bounce houses for children, a small test track for children to try out different RC cars, and that was it.  No vendor tables, no information booth, no schedule of events, nothing.  We were blocked from the back area of the track were the racers had their tents where they prepped for the races.  That was no big deal, it made sense, they didn't need tons of spectators wandering around back there.  But man, it was busy back there.  Tons of people coming and going constantly.  Lots of activity.  I could tell that was where all the action was!

I went back to my seat on the nearly empty grand stands and watched the races as patiently as I could.  Eventually I got out my book and just read.  I can only watch cars drive in circles for so long before I go cross-eyed.  Damon didn't mind.  He knew I would be bored.  He wasn't at all though.  For the 11 hours we sat there he never took his eyes off the track.  Not for a second.  He was completely entranced.  Just blissfully happy.  It was a lovely day.  Beautiful sunshine and a nice breeze.  A nice gentleman in a "Staff" shirt walked by the stand occasionally asking if anyone had any questions about what was happening and sat for long periods of time talking to spectators.  Since Saturday was "family day" it got pretty busy in the late afternoon.  There was a big raffle where they gave away "$10,000 worth of prizes" that in theory was a great idea, but just upset me.  (Every person was handed ONE ticket on their way in as entry into the raffle.  So every person should have ONE raffle ticket in hand.  Nope, there were people with STACKS of tickets.  It was ridiculous.  The were obviously only there for the raffle as they only appeared when the drawing was about to start.  Luckily the family I saw who had the largest stack didn't win anything, but another family who had at least 30 tickets walked away with a $500 car which he proudly stated he was going to sell on eBay as soon as he got home.  I wanted to punch him. But I restrained myself.)  There was a fantastic fireworks show in the evening which was an unexpected treat for sure.

There were no tents or displays set up at all.  None of the teams had booths or anything where we could look at products, talk to people, or buy souvenirs.  The only displays I saw were for liveRC.com who broadcasted the entire race, and RC Car Action Magazine.  And both of those displays were terrible.  LiveRC.com had a tent with a TV in it showing what was streaming live on the website.  The tent stayed mostly empty.  The announcers stayed in their trailer.  The RC Car Action Magazine tent was simply a tent, with picnic tables underneath, and 3 boxes of the latest edition of the magazine sitting on the table.  No reps from the magazine.  An no one even bothered to take the magazines out of the boxes so they were displayed in a way that people understood they were free.

While we were sitting in the stands occasionally drivers or suppliers that Damon recognized would walk by and he would have a moment of total celebrity awe.  As happy as Damon was, I was highly disappointed in them.  First off, most of them smoked.  Like chimneys with no consideration for those around them.  It was gross.  Also, they hung out in their little cliques and didn't pay a lick of attention to the few scattered spectators that were there.  Especially the high profile racers.  Not once did I see ANY top ranked racer walk around and talk with people.  Sure, they were probably busy prepping and getting ready for their next race, but the lower qualified racers sure seemed to have the time to stand around and smoke and bet on the outcomes.  I would have paid money for my husband to get the chance to shake hands with or get an autograph from ANY of the racers.  Watching my husband point out racers and people who used to be top racers when he was a kid and the light in his eyes when he talked about how they inspired him or how much he looked up to them just put an ache in my heart because he was SO CLOSE to these people and yet, so damn far away.  While he was happy to just be in the same facility as them and to have the opportunity to watch them, I was disappointed for him.

I was hoping that the race finals on Sunday would at least be different for him.  We brought some of his magazines he wanted autographed and the free poster he received that clearly stated on the flier was for autographs in case we got the opportunity to meet any drivers.  We were the first spectators on the grand stands again.  The only people there without passes around our necks.  The only time the grand stands were full was when the high profile races were happening.  The moment they were over everyone cleared out and went to the back tents to work on their cars.  I found that very unsportsman like for the lower level racers who were not top qualifiers.  The final race on Sunday was fantastic.  Very action packed and enjoyable to watch.  Everyone cheered and clapped for each competitor.  It was a blast.  The second the winner crossed the finish line, he disappeared.  The crowd vanished behind the pits, and the grand stands were empty in minutes leaving my husband and I just standing there, utterly confused.  The announcer went silent, the crowd was gone, and the track was empty.  We stood around for a little while, I took a few pictures of him in front of the track and we packed up and started to head out.   That's when I noticed a gaggle of people standing just inside the "No spectators beyond this point" sign.  They were setting up for the award ceremony.  IN THE BACK!  HIDDEN FROM VIEW!  I wanted to cry for my husband.  He was SO upset and told me several times "let's just go".  I refused to leave.  He needed to see that, needed a last second chance to maybe, just MAYBE, meet SOMEONE, ANYONE who he looked up to in the RC industry.  We stood at that gate for nearly an hour.  (There was a medical emergency which caused a delay.  Prayers for the gentleman who was taken away in the ambulance.  I hope he is okay.)  Because of the crowd and our inability to get past the gate, we were able to see none of the trophies being handed out.  I got a few pictures of the winners with their trophies, but they are mostly blocked from view and at terrible angles.  After the press had their shots, the crowd dissipated, and everyone went to go pack their gear.

My husband and I walked back to the car.  I was disappointed for Damon to the point of tears.  Damon assures me that he is completely happy with the outcome of the weekend.  We left the track, headed to In & Out burger for lunch as we had both never been there before, then went back out onto the open road for a 12 hour drive home.  (Yea, 12 hours...the rain storm was killer.  We barely did 40 most of the way because of road conditions and visibility.  It was terrible.)

So anyway, here are my suggestions for improvement for future iFMAR events:

1) Schedule of events. - Post it somewhere, hand it out, something.  I saw people with badges had them.  It would have been nice to know as a spectator what the heck we were watching and when certain things were going to happen.
2) Supplier/Vendor tents - Something for people to stop by and ask questions about products, get information, maybe buy some souvenir t-shirts or meet drivers sponsored by that product.
3) Event souvenirs - we had to walk across the street and a block over to buy an event shirt.  It would have been nice to have a booth or something at the event location itself.  The hobby shop the hosted the event had the few souvenirs at their shop across the street.  My husband bought a T-shirt and a hoodie.  He hasn't taken either off since.  Such a devoted nerd.  ;)
4) Meet & Greet for drivers - I know they are busy, but have a tent, and a schedule, and put a few drivers out every once and a while to shake a few hands and sign autographs.  I think these guys can spare 20 minutes of their day for their fans.  (Obviously, they feel that they cannot or they would have...but the should and that's my point here.)
5) Girls - why the heck are there NO girl RC drivers?  LOL.  

Maybe I am a total jerk and wrong in my expectations of the event.  My husband is happy, so I should be too.  But I am not.  I wanted so much more for him (as I always do).  And beyond that, what about the few random kids that attended the event.  I wonder how disappointed they were.  They look up to those racers, just like my husband does.  Developing the passion in these kids early is what will keep them devoted to the hobby their whole lives.  I know my future child will be as devoted to the hobby as my husband is.  I look forward to them spending lots of quality time together building and racing cars.  He is looking forward to the opportunity to attend more RC events in the future.  Hopefully with our future kid and not with me, of course.  ;)

Oh, and if you look at any of the coverage of the race, I am easy to find in the stands.  On Saturday (qualifying races) I am in either a black & white striped tank top or a pink t-shirt.  On Sunday I was in a white hoodie or a pink hoodie just above the Swedish flag in the grand stands.


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Being Internet Famous

I know most people who attended Fitbloggin are working on their recaps right now, but something else has inspired me and I need to write about that first.  (I'm not ready to write my recap anyway.  Too much to process still. I'll get to it later this week.)

Unlike many of the people who attended the conference, I was only there to "meet" my Internet friends for the very first time and get my fitness on.  Many of the attendees were there to promote themselves or learn how to promote themselves. That's not for me, and this weekend confirmed that.

Sure, I use the Internet for attention.  I'm an introvert who is also an attention-whore. I want people to pay attention to me, but on my terms, and I like that on the Internet I can get all that, plus there is no touching or eye contact involved.  But that's just me.  I don't have business cards for this blog.  I don't have a sponsor. I'm not part of any groups. I don't have a logo. I don't own a web page or have a fancy email address with my blog name in it.

Frankly speaking I find the whole concept of "celebrity bloggers" annoying.  I have unfollowed so many people becausee all they do is "Race Recap", "Product Review", and "Giveaway" posts.  I get nothing from that.  Well, maybe some of the race recap stuff is interesting, but if that is ALL someone post it's an unfollow too. 

(I don't know how to type out the rest of what is in my head without sounding mean.  Please, if what I am about to say applies to you, don't take offense to it, I mean no harm.  If it works for you, and makes you happy, that's great. Have fun with that.  It's not for me, and I'm just explaining why.)

I'm on the Internet because I like it here. I want others to like me and I want to relate with people who have common interest as me.  I don't need 6,000 followers on Twitter or 100 blog hits a day to feel good about myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, it would feel awesome to have that much attention...but I would only like if for a VERY short time before I became overwhelmed.

How do people even keep up with all that?  I barely have time to read my timeline as it is and I follow over 300 people.  How can someone keep up with the tweets of 6,000 people? And how can you even have relationships with those people? I like making connections, having discussions and interacting.  If you don't interact with me, I don't follow you.  And I don't follow people who annoy me.  I don't follow people just because they follow me. I mean, why should I? It's my Internet, I can do what I want with it, and I don't feel bad about that.  I also don't follow people with a large number of follower/follows.  (I make a few exceptions to that rule. I follow a few chefs, and a few bloggers who are generally interesting but don't interact with me but I don't interact with them so it's balanced out.)

I listened to a discussion about how to promote yourself online.  She mentioned some tips on how to get more followers. "Simple tricks to get yourself out there."  My thought on every single one: "Yep, I would unfollow you in an instant. That's annoying."  No, hashtagging every damn post doesn't help you.  No, mentioning brands won't get you noticed by me. Retweeting your daily blog post every hour will not get me to read it. Writing about a product you received for free (and probably begged for) and obviously will love does not get me to buy it.

I feel like a lot of the people out there that are promoting themselves because they want to be "Internet famous" are missing out on a lot of what the Internet has to offer.  They are also missing out on a lot of great people too.  If you want me to like you and follow you DO something that I like and interact with me.  Practice what you preach. Live your life and have fun with it.  Post about what you enjoy.  Make me laugh.  Make me think.  Share yourself honestly.  Be the person on the Internet who you are in person.   

Here is what I can promise to my devoted 12 followers of this blog and my 300 followers on Twitter:  I will not bombard you with hashtags unless I'm doing it to be funny.  I won't try to sell you anything I got for free and was paid to tell you about.  I might buy my own domain name and get a fancy logo. I will not get business cards for my blog/twitte account. I won't beg for followers.  I will follow you back if you actively participate in social media with me.  I will tell you honestly if you ask why I unfollowed you.  I will jump and giggle like a tween meeting Justin Bieber's mailman when we finally meet in real life.

And that my darlings is all I have to say about that....for now....

#LOVE #XOXO

What do I really look like?

I've had some thoughts rumbling around in my head and I wanted to get them out...so here goes.  Hopefully it makes sense.

Lately I have really been struggling with my perception of myself.  Even though my weight isn't ideal, it is just about 2 pounds over my max comfortable weight. Those little silly 2 pounds have me all messed up inside and thinking I am a huge big fat blob.  Really. 2 fricking pounds? They make all the difference between loving and hating myself?  What does 2 pounds really look like on me? Seriously.  I can't tell.  I only know because the scale tells me.

I've been beating myself up for weeks now over 7 pounds. SEVEN. My clothes fit. My pants zip. Granted they are slightly tighter than I like, but they don't look terrible. These tight-fitting, still zipping, pants are a size 6. And I'm whining about being too fat.  Six years ago I was in an un-zipped size 16 that was too tight because the dryer shrunk them and I felt fine about myself.  Why am I letting 7 stupid pounds take up so much space in my head?

I've been doing pretty good being back on track with Weight Watchers.  Lost 5lbs, in my first 2 weeks.  Tracked for 17 days straight.  Then I ran out of Weekly Points on a Thursday so called the week a failure and quit tracking and binged. Taco bell, ice cream, beer, candy, pizza, more beer, and a box of Lucky Charms were demolished.  (Update: an hour after typing this I weighed in at my Weight Watchers meeting. Lost 2.2lbs. At my Lifetime weight again!! Why am I so damn hard on myself?! I'm really my own worst enemy!)

And then yesterday the following conversation happened while shopping for some new yoga pants to wear to Fitbloggin:

Me: What size should I get?  The Small says its size 4-6 and the Medium is 8-10.
Husband: What size do you wear?
Me: 6
Husband: So get the Small.
Me: But...I'm not small.
Husband: Yes you are.
Me: No, I'm not.
Husband: According to that tag, if you wear a size 6 you are a Small.
Me: (about to cry) But...But.... I'm not small...
Husband: You may not think you are small, but you are. So buy the damn pants, and let's go. I'm hungry.

This makes me wonder.  Why do I think I am so huge?  I'm not huge. I'm Small.  And yes, I bought the pants.  And yes, they fit. Perfectly.  Why do I let the stupid tag on a pair of pants define me and make me feel a certian way about myself.  And to be honest, I don't feel any better about myself because the Small fit. So what is the big deal?  Why the hell do I still think I need to lose weight? When did being a size Small lose it's shine?  I remember crying when I put on my first ever size 8 pants. What happened to that girl?

When I hear what pant size another woman I know wears I spend hours analyzing their body shape to the picture I have in my head for what my body shape is.  Regardless of what their pant size is or their height/weight ratio, in my head I am bigger than them.  It doesn't even matter in the least bit but I dwell and dwell on it like you wouldn't believe!  Even though I know that every body is different and everyone carries their weight different.  I can't help but focus on it.  Sometimes I think I need someone to hand me a picture of someone elses body who is the exact same height/weight/measurements as me so I can see with clear eyes what everyone else sees when they look at me. Because what I see is a mess.

And the worst part about it all is that I do NOTHING to change what I hate about my shape.  I just whine, bitch, moan, complain, and self-depreciate. I would love my butt to be perkier and less cellulite-y.  But do I do squats? No.  I stare in the mirror and hate my ass and compare how awful it is to other asses I have seen on people who DO likely do squats.

What the holy eff is my problem?  Seriously.

Why can't I just be happy with myself? And if I can't be happy, why can't that be motivation to fix it?

I want to be fit.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  And yet, I don't want to do any of the things required to maintain it. I say I want it, but my actions say otherwise.

I need to think on this more.  I also need to come up with a plan and stick to it for making myself happy and staying that way.

Maybe I will learn some things at Fitbloggin to help me with this issue.  Hopefully I will meet some new people who understand and will be motivators to help me.  Or at least someone to slap me in the face so I snap out of this slump and realize how ridiculous I am being.

xoxo

Social Anxiety & Me

It's been a long while since I last posted and not much has changed.  But for fun, her is a quick update on where things stand and what's been on my mind.  (All bullet points again.  I love them. Deal with it.)

• I signed back up for Weight Watchers.  I had to.  I wasn't doing good on my own and there was no accountability for me on MyFitnessPal. Plus, I hated counting calories for fruits/veggies. I eat a lot of them.  Fruit alone sucked up half of my calories for the day sometimes. Also, I didn't like that there was no wiggle room for "splurges".  I missed Weekly Points.  I was only really tracking maybe 4 days a week on MFP.  And I wasn't tracking honestly either.  If I knew what I was eating wasn't smart, I didn't track it. Then I gave up for the rest of the week.  So, with my head hung in shame, I walked back into Weight Watchers 2 Monday's ago.  I was up 9lbs from my goal weight.  I lost over 4lbs the first week.  This week will be a small loss if there is one at all.  I have been heating every damn point I can get my hands on.  I was in the red this week, and broke even last week.  I'm okay with that though.  I'm making good choices and eating still eating what I love.  Hopefully soon I will be back to my free-Lifetime status.  I need to stick with my monthly weigh-ins once I get back there.  I need to stop forgetting how important Weight Watchers is to my success and quick thinking I can do this alone.  Because I can't.  If left to my own devices, I will get fat again.  I need Weight Watchers to keep me healthy & happy.
• Fitbloggin is coming up quickly.  I am excited at least to try out some of the different fitness classes that are being offered. My plan is to attend every one that I possibly can.  My hope is that I find something that I am excited about and would want to try and do more often.  That's my whole goal for the event.  Get excited about fitness.  Sure, learning some new tips on blogging would be nice.  And the swag will be great too.  But really, I need to get excited about something that I can stick with.  I've lost my fitness mojo again.  As typical for me, the elliptical lost it's luster after about a month. And running has always been an annoyance to me. I want to LOVE an activity. I want to look forward to getting sweaty. I need to be passionate about something that gets me out and moving.
• I got a FitBit Flex last week.  So far I think it is great.  I love checking the app like a psycho every hour or so to see how many steps I have logged.  The original goal setting it came with was for 10,000 steps a day. After 3 days of barely getting 3,000 steps I lowered my goal to 5,000.  I achieved that goal once.  On Saturday. I did a lot of yard work and went for a walk to get ice cream.  On Sunday I was 500 steps short.  I'm not going to go crazy gung-ho with meeting my step goal every day.  But I will definitely be trying to get up and move a little more each day.  I had no idea how lazy I am at work. I log barely 1,000 steps during that 8 hour period of time.  And that includes my 10 minute walk to and from my car.  I also love the sleep tracker.  I toss and turn a lot, but I never knew how much.  I get about 8 hours of sleep lately, with 8-16 occurrences of being "restless" a night. 
• In all honesty, I'm terrified of Fitbloggin. I know it is supposed to be an open, honest, fun happy weekend of like-minded people.  But still, my anxiety is out of control.  I am 100% confident that every person there will hate me and think I'm a fraud.  My crazy has already kicked in and I already feel like an outsider in what seems to be an already well formed group.   want to go to this event and have the time of my life.  I don't want my anxiety to get in the way. I don't want to use alcohol to relax but sometimes that seems to be the only thing that helps.  If nothing else, this event will be a challenge for me on many levels.  Even though every inch of my body is screaming for me to run and hide, I will go.  I will be uncomfortable.  I will force myself to be social.  I will put a smile on my face, and dammit I will enjoy myself!
• My social anxiety is the next big hurdle in my life I think.  It's my least favorite thing about my personality, but I don't really know how to change it.  On the internet I seem like a happy fun outgoing person, when really the opposite is true.  I have terrible social anxiety.  I hate being in groups. Crowds make me nervous.  Eye contact with people is torture. I am a wall flower at social events where I don't know anyone.  Small talk makes me uncomfortable.  "Ice Breakers" at events are worse than Chinese water torture. If given the choice, I would rather stay at home alone with my husband.   I want people to like me, but I don't like people.  I want to be invited out, but I don't like going out.   I saw a funny meme the other day, and of course now that I want to reference it I can't find it again.  It said something a long the lines of "I want to be invited, but I don't want to go".  Which is SO true for me!  And its not always being around strangers that give me this feeling.  I frequently avoid my phone even with family or friends call me because I know they will want to do something.  Even though I say all the time that I don't care if people like me...I'm a total fraud.  I actually do care if people like me.  In my head everyone hates me all the time so I like to say that I don't care, but it really does bug me.  I think I'm a great person, and I want people to think the same thing.  I know I'm a handful and not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay.  I always whine about wanting to be included and how I have no friends, but when it really comes down to it, I don't want to go out.  I keep putting myself out there though.  I'm not getting the results I had in my head, but maybe that's okay.  Maybe I have unreal expectations.  I don't know.  I will continue to put myself in situations that make me nervous and uncomfortable because maybe if I do it enough it will get easier.  (This is also the reason I don't sign up for fitness classes and the reason I want to sign up for fitness classes all bundled up into one.)  Anyone have any tips on social anxiety other than seeing a shrink, taking pills, or "keep doing what you're doing"?
• My summer is filling up with lots of fun activities.  I like to keep things on an every other week rotation because it gives me the alone time I need, but gets me out of the house regularly.  After Fitbloggin will be a game night at a friends house, followed my my mom being in town for a week filled with touristy stuff.  That will be followed by the air show, and then not long after that will be Portland to Coast!  On my home-body weekends we will be doing lots of yard work and cleaning up around the house.  Since we are staying where we are at for good now it is all a matter of making it feel like home.  Our stuff is still in storage but slowly we are making progress.  I have my own closet now, and a lot of my own kitchen items as well.  The yard & garden are looking beautiful and we are making great progress each weekend.  I joined the same CSA I was in last summer as well so I'm really looking forward to the next 19 weeks worth of fresh produce!

Okay, that's about it for now.  I'll post an update after Fitbloggin with how it went. Cross your fingers for me that I make all kinds of new friends and have the time of my life! 

xoxo

Cruised into tigher pants!

Been back from our cruise for over a week now.  It was an amazing vacation that my husband and I will never forget.  It was exactly what we were hoping it would be, which was relaxing and fun. 

I don't have a lot of pictures from the trip as my camera charger was lost in the move so I just had my iPod Touch to snap a few shots with.  I shared a few on Instagram and you're welcome to pop over there too look at them.  I'm too lazy to deal with uploading & posting them.  My user name is SuperErizzle.

Here's the thing though: I gained a shit-ton of weight.

I worked moderately hard to get down to my happy weight, but gave up after a while.  I ellipticalled and ran, tracked my food, and focused on slimming down maybe 75% of the time.  I did pretty good though.  We left for the boat and I weighed 147. Eight days later I weighed 156.  Yeah. 9 pounds. "Fuck" was my reaction. 

I started my new job that day (which was last Monday) feeling gross and bloaty.  With no food in the house and no opportunity to grocery shop until Sunday, we ate out every night.  I grabbed salads for lunches from the cafeteria, and I made a quick stop at the store for bananas, but other than that, I ate like crap.

Yesterday when I got on the scale it said I weighed 152.6.  To me that says a portion of my 9 lbs gain was bloating/water retention.  So really over 2 weeks of eating like crud, I only gained 5 lbs. Which I'm pretty okay with honestly.  I know what I put into my body, and that's a number I can live with as a result.  However, it will not be sticking around for long, that's for damn sure!

Gaining 5 lbs on a cruise is easy. Actually I bet I could have actually gained the 9 lbs. Seriously. I actually TRIED to eat decently (some of the time).  I gorged myself on fresh fruit every day as much as possible.  I limited myself to one dinner roll a night. I stopped eating when I was full.  I only hit the 24 hour ice cream machine once a day. I ate a plate of deli meats and cheeses every night during cocktail hour while sipping on some of the best cocktails I have ever had.  I tried new foods that I may never get a chance to eat again like frog legs (eh, okay), escargot (decent), shark (yum), and mango on a stick from a random street vendor.  I ordered dessert every night.  I got drunk more nights than I didn't. 

Here are some of my observations on how to NOT gain 10 lbs or more on a cruise:

1. Take the damn stairs on the boat.  For fucks sake, it has 9 floors. Chances are you are only going up or down a few levels. Don't be lazy and take the elevator.  On day 3 of the cruise my calves ached from taking the stairs and Man said his thighs were sore. This is a GOOD thing.
2. Order the damn fresh fruit plate. It's on the menu for breakfast every day. Order it. Eat it. Then gorge yourself on the eggs Benedict. Chances are by then you will be full and won't need the side of hash browns you ordered.
3. Walk on the beach. Don't lay there and sunbathe.  The sun is just as impactful when you are vertical as horizontal. And frankly, more evenly distributed. Plus the scenery is better walking then it is lying down. And SLATHER yourself in sunscreen. Repeatedly. Don't miss the back of your hands, tops of your feet and ears. Trust me on this.
4. Fruity alcohol drinks should be avoided. Those things are sugar bombs and likely not real fruit anyway. I drink my booze straight. I don't feel the need to add extra calories to my liquid calories.
5. Just because the buffet is open 24 hours does NOT mean you should eat it.
6. If it's not something you will ever have the opportunity to eat again, or it's just something special that you love, order it and enjoy it.  If it's something you can get at home but "your on vacation" so you want to eat it, don't.  I passed up bacon every day. Not because I don't love bacon, but because I didn't need bacon. I needed to eat eggs Benedict and fruit. Plus, the ship had just regular thin bacon. I like thick cute peppered bacon. If they had that instead, game on. But I passed on the flimsy crud and ordered more cheesey grits instead.
7. Bring snacks to the airport. Food in airports is not only super expensive, but gross. All junk. I brought snacks with us on the way there and avoided the gross, but on the way back we were forced to eat greasy fast food while we waited 6 hours for our flight in LAX. I didn't enjoy it at all, but I needed to eat.
8. Drink lots of water. I brought a Nalgene bottle from home and carried it with me everywhere. Cheaper than bottled water.  Also, keeping hydrated helps with sunburns and hang overs.
9. Pack your work out clothes. Chances are you won't use them. However, not bringing them means you definitely won't use them.  The thought crossed my mind to go to the gym a few time. I had the clothes with me, I just never followed thru with the urge.
10. I can't think of a tenth one right now...but ending a list on 9 seems silly.

With all that being said...what's my plan to get back to my usual weight? I don't know yet.  More info coming soon on this, but my weight struggles have reached a new level and I'm not sure what direction to go yet.  Back to Weight Watchers? Keep trying to get MyFitnessPal to work? Sign up for a fitness class? Try a new "fad diet" just for giggles? Train for a race? I just don't know.

(Please note: I'm not going to talk about the Boston Marathon bombing. I don't have the words. My heart hurts for all those impacted and I'm saying constant prayers for them. God is good. I wish more humans would turn to Him instead of turning to violence.)

Topic: The Dreaded Binge

I know, two days of posts in a row. Yea, weird.  I'm super busy with work and life but what's in my head has to come out or I won't be able to sleep or focus.  I was kept awake last night writing this in my head.

As part of my morning routine I read my dear friend Bebe's blog.  Yesterday she posted about binge eating and it really affected me.  (Please read here before continuing. Okay? Ready? Good.)

Binge eating is a real thing. A hard thing. And something that I struggle with to this very day.  And I imagine I always will.  For those of you who have never battled their weight you won't understand this struggle. It's like trying to understand the emotions of a recovering meth addict if you've never been one. You just can't.  But let me try to explain it.

Binge eating isn't what a lot of society thinks it is. It's not that meal where you decided to have a bacon cheeseburger instead of the salad you had planned to order at a restaurant. Nope, that's a splurge or an indulgence. A binge is where you're not hungry but you have an overwhelming urge to eat all the food. Literally all the food.  And then when you run out of food you go find more food to eat. And when it's over and you're surrounded by food wrappers and you're still not full but overflowing with guilt desperately trying to hide the evidence of what just happened so you don't have to admit to yourself or anyone else that you just at 3,000 calories in under an hour. THAT my friends is a binge. 

My last binge was a week ago. I got home from work, figured out what I was making for dinner. Then grabbed a bag of chips & a jar of salsa from the fridge. When the chips were gone I finished the salsa with crackers. When the salsa was gone I finished the crackers with a jar of pimento cheese. Then I needed something sweet so I ate some chocolate covered graham crackers and gummy bears. Then I needed salt again so I ate some salted peanuts. And then I looked at the clock, realized it was time to start dinner, hid the empty packages, made dinner, and ate it like nothing had happened an hour before.

It's the oddest feeling to need food for no other reason but to satisfy some deep random urge to eat. Most times I have no idea why I binge. Other times I do. A boredom binge or an emotional binge? Is it self sabotage? I love my body and feel great so I must eat all the food and have a reason to hate myself because I don't deserve to be happy?

I hear people say that to stop binging you just keep healthy food in the house so at least you'll binge on good food. And I have even gone as far as locking up the junk food in the house to prevent myself from getting into it when the urge hits. Yea, those things don't work. If there is food I don't have access to, I just find other food. Regardless of whether it's "healthy" food or "junk" food, it's still mass quantities consumed quickly. 

How does one prevent this? How does one stop it? I know when I'm binging. And in the moment, I'm completely unable to stop. The only possible solution I can think of that would stop a binge is to never leave me alone. I don't binge in front of people. It's embarrassing.

I think the only reasonable and rational solution to binge eating is to accept it and move on. If every other aspect of my diet is spot on. If I focus on being healthy the rest of the time, maybe, just maybe, my binge habits won't have a negative affect on my weight.  So far, it's going great.  I can be better at it though. Going out for a run or hitting the elliptical after an epic binge might counteract some of the damage. But in the moment, I'm mentally not in the place for that activity.  Plus, with a belly full of junk that's just asking for a barf-fest.


As Bebe says "One day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  So that is all I will do."

xoxo

So Much Change!

I wrote this post in my head yesterday while running.  I've forgotten everything witty and interesting I was going to say. This is the best I can do with what I've got right now...

And yes, you read that right.  I was running yesterday!  I did 4 miles and it was great!

I know in my last post I said I wasn't missing running yet and I had no interest in starting up again, but then something happened that changed all that.  (This story will make me sound like a total twat, but I don't care. It's the truth and it got me running again.)  On the 17th Portland had it's 2nd largest race of the year, the Shamrock Run.  I have done this race 2 years prior (5k & 8k) and had planned to run the 15k this year had I not quit running in July.  I was totally fine with not running, in fact, I didn't even think about the race on the day of. It wasn't until the next morning until I overheard one of the Bitches talking about the race and her 5k time. I try really hard to not be a jealous person, but my first thought was "Bitch, I haven't run since July and I could beat that time easily". If I liked the Bitches I might have been proud of her as it was her first race, but I loathe her very existence so it bugged me.  Plus I had to listen to her repeat the damn story over and over and over all damn day. So to be spiteful, I mapped out a run when I got home that would be a 5k equivalent, geared up and hit the pavement. It was amazing.  I felt good.  Only had to walk once for a short distance to clear some internal nose sweat (snot).  And the best part? I beat her time. By a lot. Take that, Bitches! HA! (No, I didn't tell her about this run. She has no clue that I am better than her in this aspect of life and that she inspired me to get back on the road.) I was thinking about this while running yesterday and I'm okay with jealousy in this instance.  Sitting around being jealous of others is one thing, but being jealous and getting up and DOING something about it is another thing entirely.  Using jealousy as inspiration to be better is good.

The day after my thighs wanted to kill me. I could barely climb the stairs at work. It was torture. But the good kind. I got on the elliptical that night to loosen the legs back up which helped tremendously.  And then, out of no where the Man found a random box in our storage unit that just happened to contain my Garmin!  Perfect timing on his part! I actually jumped up and down screaming when I saw it!  I had been using my lack of GPS as a crappy excuse to not run so now nothing was in my way! I knew I COULD run still, and I had all the tools at my disposal to do it again!

So yesterday when I saw that the weather was going to be sunny & warm I decided to hit the pavement again and push myself a little further.  And once again, it was glorious!  I had my GPS and no excuses. I just went out and had fun. I let my mind wander and didn't focus on my time, just the distance and how my body felt.  Sure, I had to take more walk breaks, but I kept them quick.  And surprisingly, my legs feel fine today. They feel tight but not painful. I will still do some elliptical tonight to loosen them up though.

I'm happy to be back running again.  I know I am only 2 runs in and by no means where I was before, but I'm not too far behind.  I have no intention to sign up for any races any time soon. I'm running for pleasure and personal gain, nothing else.  I think it was the pressure of races, speed, and time that got in my way before and discouraged me.  In fact, I know it was. I run for me now. And I run for fun. And when I don't want to run in the rain, cold or heat, I don't have to. I can elliptical. Which I also still love and don't want to neglect.

So beyond the running, my life is about to change drastically.  On Friday I accepted a new position at work. I'm really excited about it, but tremendously nervous at the same time.  I have wanted to leave my current role for 2 years so this change has been a long time coming.  The part that sucks is that I start the new position the day after I get back from vacation.  And whats worse is that until my replacement is hired & trained I will be doing my current job part time in addition to the new job...and only getting paid to do one job.  I'm hoping they make quick progress on hiring my replacement while I'm on vacation.

Ah, vacation...we leave in 5 days. I cannot wait. I need the sun and ocean so badly I can barely stand it. I'm not at the "goal" weight I had set for myself which I'm moderately okay with. It was a pipe-dream really and I only focused on it Monday thru Thursday. Then the weekend showed up and I focused on shovelling food down my throat and not ellipticalling. I look great in my bikini, my clothes fit better than they have in months, and I am below my Lifetime weight (which only matters if I get off my butt & go weigh in at the meeting location I recently discovered near my house).  I wanted my weight to be lower only so that I could indulge on vacation and not have to worry about gaining a bunch of weight that might not come back off. But since that didn't happen I will just have to stay mindful of what I'm doing and really focus when I get back on eating better on weekends.

Oh, and I'm officially attending FitBloggin in June. I bought a ticket off of someone who had something come up and couldn't attend. So I got the Early Bird price. Which is great!  I'm actually excited.  I only know like 4 people who will be there, but it should still be a hoot. Plus, swag. Like whoa. :)

I'll try and post again when I return from vacation...but I may be busy for a bit.

Caloric Intake

This morning as I was sitting in traffic during my commute into work, my mind was wandering and I started trying to figure out why the scale had been mean to me this week.  I tracked all of my food and tracked it honestly.  I worked out three days on the elliptical. And yet, I was up a half a pound on Monday, and two pounds as of this morning.

I ran my week thru my brain over and over trying to figure out what the deal was and what I could do to fix it.  I knew I went over calories a few days, but it wasn't by much and the days I worked out I was under calories.  In my head that broke even.  But I figured I should probably check the numbers to see if that might be my problem. 

Here is the last 10 over/under:

3/4: -185
3/5: +374
3/6: +437
3/7: +237
3/8: -383
3/9: -72
3/10: -571
3/11: -31
3/12: +248
3/13: +61
3/14: -897

Total:  -782

Yea. So. Makes sense now, don't it?

Granted, yesterday's emotional random binge didn't help the situation.  I would have been +115 if I had been a good girl yesterday.

So maybe that's not my problem after all?

Regardless, it's not good what I am doing.

This is what I miss most about Weight Watchers: Weekly Points Allowance. 

After looking at all of this, I have decided to start keeping track of my over/under.  I need to keep it as close to 0 as possible.  That's my new goal.  I don't need to be under calories every day, and some days I can go over, but as long as in the end, I still break even, we are all good in the neighborhood.

And on a completely unrelated note....This happened:

It is so amazing to me. I can't believe it. I look like that in a bikini. I don't hate it. I'm not embarrassed. I don't feel the need to cover anything up.  Hard to believe that in 2007 I was that chubby girl...and I got bigger than that before I realized the error of my ways! And now, here I am, bikini ready for a vacation in 15 days. And the best part about all of this? This body ain't going no where. I didn't do all of this work the last 5 years just to go back to that girl. I refuse, flat out refuse, to be her again.  I will NOT be one of those people who lose all the weight just to put it back on again. My health and my body are too important to me.  I love myself like this and will do whatever it takes to keep it this way! :)

Well darlings, I hope you have a fabulous weekend. I know there are a BUNCH of races this weekend and to be honest I'm a little sad to not be running one of them. (I don't fully miss running yet...maybe I will soon.)  Good luck to you all!

XOXO

#FoodiePenPals

So I got the idea to try out #FoodiePenPals from some of my Twitter buddies.  You can read all about it here. 

They basic gist is: You sign up. Get randomly paired with someone who you will send a box of goodies to. And get randomly paired with a person who will send a box of goodies to you. Then each of you blog about what you sent and what you got at the end of the month.  (Box must contain something hand written and cost around $15.)

Sounds great, right?

Well...

...maybe for some. But not me.

At first the problem was totally mine. I typed my email address wrong on the entry form. Then when I didn't get an email back right away I didn't contact the person in charge like it said to if this happens. My fault. But it was quickly resolved with a few quick emails & tweets. 

I emailed my matches and told them the error with my email address was and what my correct contact information was. (Then I quickly google-stalked them, as I do everyone I come in contact with. Yes, everyone. It's likely I've done it to you. Yes, you. Deal with it.)

I was paired with a vegitarian stay-at-home mome in California with 2 kids and she sent me a very excited email about what kinds of foods her family liked as options to send her.

I decided to send her some of my local favorite foods. And because I am not bright, I didn't take a picture of the box before I sent it so here is a rough run down of what I included...

Willamette Valley Granola Chips: Never tried them...but there was a $1 off coupon attached so I thought what the hell.

Columbia Empire Marionberry preserves: The jar I sent was double this size.  I couldn't find one smaller.

Moonstruck Chocolate: I sent the Mayan chocolate bar as it is Man's favorite. They have 4 other flavors. I should have sent the coffee one as thats what my pal likes...but I couldnt' find it.

Beaver Mustard Deli mustard:  The best on grilled bratwurst.

Bob's Red Mill Pancake Mix:  I know you can get this just about anywhere but the factory is less than a mile from my house.  I drive by it every day.

I also threw in a baggie of local hazelnuts that I had in the house as well as a hand written note on a pretty card saying I hope she enjoyed everything and explaining that it was all local stuff.

According to the rules my package was soposed to be mailed no later than the 15th, but I was late and couldn't get to the post office until the 20th. So I paid for additional shipping to get it to her by Friday.  My tracking shows it was delivered.....but I have't heard from my pal so I dont know if she got it or liked it.

I have not heard a word from my other pal since I replied to her email asking for what kinds of foods I like.  That email was sent on February 5th.  I did not recieve a package. Yes, I'm bitter about this regardless of whether or not there was a warning on the website that it might happen. 

Other than not getting a box, I am upset that neither person I'm paired with are bloggers or on Twitter (one is on Twitter...but is not active). I was hoping this would be a fun social networking experience. But nope. Turns out, I just spent $30 to mail a box of food to a stranger with no recourse.

Whateves.

I'll get over it.

Doubt I will participate in #FoodiePenPals again though.