Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Topic: The Dreaded Binge

I know, two days of posts in a row. Yea, weird.  I'm super busy with work and life but what's in my head has to come out or I won't be able to sleep or focus.  I was kept awake last night writing this in my head.

As part of my morning routine I read my dear friend Bebe's blog.  Yesterday she posted about binge eating and it really affected me.  (Please read here before continuing. Okay? Ready? Good.)

Binge eating is a real thing. A hard thing. And something that I struggle with to this very day.  And I imagine I always will.  For those of you who have never battled their weight you won't understand this struggle. It's like trying to understand the emotions of a recovering meth addict if you've never been one. You just can't.  But let me try to explain it.

Binge eating isn't what a lot of society thinks it is. It's not that meal where you decided to have a bacon cheeseburger instead of the salad you had planned to order at a restaurant. Nope, that's a splurge or an indulgence. A binge is where you're not hungry but you have an overwhelming urge to eat all the food. Literally all the food.  And then when you run out of food you go find more food to eat. And when it's over and you're surrounded by food wrappers and you're still not full but overflowing with guilt desperately trying to hide the evidence of what just happened so you don't have to admit to yourself or anyone else that you just at 3,000 calories in under an hour. THAT my friends is a binge. 

My last binge was a week ago. I got home from work, figured out what I was making for dinner. Then grabbed a bag of chips & a jar of salsa from the fridge. When the chips were gone I finished the salsa with crackers. When the salsa was gone I finished the crackers with a jar of pimento cheese. Then I needed something sweet so I ate some chocolate covered graham crackers and gummy bears. Then I needed salt again so I ate some salted peanuts. And then I looked at the clock, realized it was time to start dinner, hid the empty packages, made dinner, and ate it like nothing had happened an hour before.

It's the oddest feeling to need food for no other reason but to satisfy some deep random urge to eat. Most times I have no idea why I binge. Other times I do. A boredom binge or an emotional binge? Is it self sabotage? I love my body and feel great so I must eat all the food and have a reason to hate myself because I don't deserve to be happy?

I hear people say that to stop binging you just keep healthy food in the house so at least you'll binge on good food. And I have even gone as far as locking up the junk food in the house to prevent myself from getting into it when the urge hits. Yea, those things don't work. If there is food I don't have access to, I just find other food. Regardless of whether it's "healthy" food or "junk" food, it's still mass quantities consumed quickly. 

How does one prevent this? How does one stop it? I know when I'm binging. And in the moment, I'm completely unable to stop. The only possible solution I can think of that would stop a binge is to never leave me alone. I don't binge in front of people. It's embarrassing.

I think the only reasonable and rational solution to binge eating is to accept it and move on. If every other aspect of my diet is spot on. If I focus on being healthy the rest of the time, maybe, just maybe, my binge habits won't have a negative affect on my weight.  So far, it's going great.  I can be better at it though. Going out for a run or hitting the elliptical after an epic binge might counteract some of the damage. But in the moment, I'm mentally not in the place for that activity.  Plus, with a belly full of junk that's just asking for a barf-fest.

As Bebe says "One day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  So that is all I will do."


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

So Much Change!

I wrote this post in my head yesterday while running.  I've forgotten everything witty and interesting I was going to say. This is the best I can do with what I've got right now...

And yes, you read that right.  I was running yesterday!  I did 4 miles and it was great!

I know in my last post I said I wasn't missing running yet and I had no interest in starting up again, but then something happened that changed all that.  (This story will make me sound like a total twat, but I don't care. It's the truth and it got me running again.)  On the 17th Portland had it's 2nd largest race of the year, the Shamrock Run.  I have done this race 2 years prior (5k & 8k) and had planned to run the 15k this year had I not quit running in July.  I was totally fine with not running, in fact, I didn't even think about the race on the day of. It wasn't until the next morning until I overheard one of the Bitches talking about the race and her 5k time. I try really hard to not be a jealous person, but my first thought was "Bitch, I haven't run since July and I could beat that time easily". If I liked the Bitches I might have been proud of her as it was her first race, but I loathe her very existence so it bugged me.  Plus I had to listen to her repeat the damn story over and over and over all damn day. So to be spiteful, I mapped out a run when I got home that would be a 5k equivalent, geared up and hit the pavement. It was amazing.  I felt good.  Only had to walk once for a short distance to clear some internal nose sweat (snot).  And the best part? I beat her time. By a lot. Take that, Bitches! HA! (No, I didn't tell her about this run. She has no clue that I am better than her in this aspect of life and that she inspired me to get back on the road.) I was thinking about this while running yesterday and I'm okay with jealousy in this instance.  Sitting around being jealous of others is one thing, but being jealous and getting up and DOING something about it is another thing entirely.  Using jealousy as inspiration to be better is good.

The day after my thighs wanted to kill me. I could barely climb the stairs at work. It was torture. But the good kind. I got on the elliptical that night to loosen the legs back up which helped tremendously.  And then, out of no where the Man found a random box in our storage unit that just happened to contain my Garmin!  Perfect timing on his part! I actually jumped up and down screaming when I saw it!  I had been using my lack of GPS as a crappy excuse to not run so now nothing was in my way! I knew I COULD run still, and I had all the tools at my disposal to do it again!

So yesterday when I saw that the weather was going to be sunny & warm I decided to hit the pavement again and push myself a little further.  And once again, it was glorious!  I had my GPS and no excuses. I just went out and had fun. I let my mind wander and didn't focus on my time, just the distance and how my body felt.  Sure, I had to take more walk breaks, but I kept them quick.  And surprisingly, my legs feel fine today. They feel tight but not painful. I will still do some elliptical tonight to loosen them up though.

I'm happy to be back running again.  I know I am only 2 runs in and by no means where I was before, but I'm not too far behind.  I have no intention to sign up for any races any time soon. I'm running for pleasure and personal gain, nothing else.  I think it was the pressure of races, speed, and time that got in my way before and discouraged me.  In fact, I know it was. I run for me now. And I run for fun. And when I don't want to run in the rain, cold or heat, I don't have to. I can elliptical. Which I also still love and don't want to neglect.

So beyond the running, my life is about to change drastically.  On Friday I accepted a new position at work. I'm really excited about it, but tremendously nervous at the same time.  I have wanted to leave my current role for 2 years so this change has been a long time coming.  The part that sucks is that I start the new position the day after I get back from vacation.  And whats worse is that until my replacement is hired & trained I will be doing my current job part time in addition to the new job...and only getting paid to do one job.  I'm hoping they make quick progress on hiring my replacement while I'm on vacation.

Ah, vacation...we leave in 5 days. I cannot wait. I need the sun and ocean so badly I can barely stand it. I'm not at the "goal" weight I had set for myself which I'm moderately okay with. It was a pipe-dream really and I only focused on it Monday thru Thursday. Then the weekend showed up and I focused on shovelling food down my throat and not ellipticalling. I look great in my bikini, my clothes fit better than they have in months, and I am below my Lifetime weight (which only matters if I get off my butt & go weigh in at the meeting location I recently discovered near my house).  I wanted my weight to be lower only so that I could indulge on vacation and not have to worry about gaining a bunch of weight that might not come back off. But since that didn't happen I will just have to stay mindful of what I'm doing and really focus when I get back on eating better on weekends.

Oh, and I'm officially attending FitBloggin in June. I bought a ticket off of someone who had something come up and couldn't attend. So I got the Early Bird price. Which is great!  I'm actually excited.  I only know like 4 people who will be there, but it should still be a hoot. Plus, swag. Like whoa. :)

I'll try and post again when I return from vacation...but I may be busy for a bit.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Caloric Intake

This morning as I was sitting in traffic during my commute into work, my mind was wandering and I started trying to figure out why the scale had been mean to me this week.  I tracked all of my food and tracked it honestly.  I worked out three days on the elliptical. And yet, I was up a half a pound on Monday, and two pounds as of this morning.

I ran my week thru my brain over and over trying to figure out what the deal was and what I could do to fix it.  I knew I went over calories a few days, but it wasn't by much and the days I worked out I was under calories.  In my head that broke even.  But I figured I should probably check the numbers to see if that might be my problem. 

Here is the last 10 over/under:

3/4: -185
3/5: +374
3/6: +437
3/7: +237
3/8: -383
3/9: -72
3/10: -571
3/11: -31
3/12: +248
3/13: +61
3/14: -897

Total:  -782

Yea. So. Makes sense now, don't it?

Granted, yesterday's emotional random binge didn't help the situation.  I would have been +115 if I had been a good girl yesterday.

So maybe that's not my problem after all?

Regardless, it's not good what I am doing.

This is what I miss most about Weight Watchers: Weekly Points Allowance. 

After looking at all of this, I have decided to start keeping track of my over/under.  I need to keep it as close to 0 as possible.  That's my new goal.  I don't need to be under calories every day, and some days I can go over, but as long as in the end, I still break even, we are all good in the neighborhood.

And on a completely unrelated note....This happened:

It is so amazing to me. I can't believe it. I look like that in a bikini. I don't hate it. I'm not embarrassed. I don't feel the need to cover anything up.  Hard to believe that in 2007 I was that chubby girl...and I got bigger than that before I realized the error of my ways! And now, here I am, bikini ready for a vacation in 15 days. And the best part about all of this? This body ain't going no where. I didn't do all of this work the last 5 years just to go back to that girl. I refuse, flat out refuse, to be her again.  I will NOT be one of those people who lose all the weight just to put it back on again. My health and my body are too important to me.  I love myself like this and will do whatever it takes to keep it this way! :)

Well darlings, I hope you have a fabulous weekend. I know there are a BUNCH of races this weekend and to be honest I'm a little sad to not be running one of them. (I don't fully miss running yet...maybe I will soon.)  Good luck to you all!