Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I did a bad bad thing.

I have a confession to make. It's bad. Like really bad. I did a crash diet to lose 2 pounds so I would be under my Lifetime limit because my "free" membership was about to expire. I only ate fruit and veggies for 2 days straight. And as a last ditch effort, I chugged laxatives and water. And you know what.... didn't work. I was .8 over and had to pay the weekly fee. So it was all for nothing. I'm embarassed and ashamed. I should know better. I confessed this sin to 2 of my Weight Watcher friends yesterday just prior to my weigh in. One response was complete horror at what I was doing. The other response was in agreeance with my behaviour and a confession that she does the same sometimes. It was probably becasue I was so hungry at the time that my mind was clouded and I didn't immediatly slap us both in the face for being so hurtful to our bodies. It wasn't until after I over-indulged (but tracked)in some very delious ground turkey tacos with home made quacamole and a handful of Trader Joes' frosted gingermen cookies that it occured to me how unhealthy the conversation I had with that friend was. And that I not only need to do something about for her, but I need to stop this damn yo-yo I'm doing and be honest with myself. So here's my full confession: I have "free" Lifetime membership to Weight Watchers that lasts 8 weeks. For 7 weeks I track occasionally, work out rarely, and I don't go to meetings. Then, when my calendar alerts me that my subscription is about to expire, I crash diet. I take laxatives to "clean out" any excess junk from my guts so I will weigh less. I throw myself on the elliptical until I get all wobbly (mostly from lack of food). Then I get on the scale and hope for a pretty number so I can get renewed for 8 more weeks free. Regardless of what is on the scale that day I go home and binge becasue I'm starving. Where in the Hell did I get the idea that this was okay to do? At what point did I suddenly decide that laxatives were a good idea to save a few ounces on the scale? Laxatives are for consitpation. Not weight loss. And it is lying. Lying to yourself and the scale. Laxatives are not a "cleanse" or a "detox". They aren't going to help you get to your goal any faster. They are chemicals. And gross. People with eating disorders use them. We do NOT have an eating disorder. Like those last few little ounces of digesing food in my system really matter that much anyway. It's in there for a reason. And that reason is more important than a damn number on the scale. And besides, the binge that will occur less than an hour after stepping on the scale just counteracts every thing the laxative did. This cycle has to end. And it has to end NOW. I need to be (and here is the key) CONSISTANT. No more of this yo-yo bullshit. I know what needs to be done. I know how to do it. I'm just being lazy. Like super lazy. So, the plan moving forward is this: I will NOT wait until 8 weeks to get my shit in order. I will never again take laxatives to "clean out" my system. I will never again go without food as punishment. I will be honest with myself and treat myself kindly. I will not tolerate the same behaviour in my friends either. (So, friend, you know who you are...prepare for a lengthy's coming. I treat my self like crap and that needs to stop. I spout all the time how much I love myself, but if that is true, why am I treating myself so badly? Sure, I look great on the outside, but what kind of damage am I doing on the inside? I need a more whole-istic (is that a thing?) approach. I've been battling a major case of the sads the last few month...well, almost a year really...and I need to snap out of it. Maybe if I treated myself better, I would feel better. Plus, having a healthy functioning system of guts would probably benefit in some other ways too. No wonder my insides are "broken" and not doing what I want them to do. No wonder I am so damn sad and lazy all the time. I'm pretty enough on the outside, time to focus on the inside and clean that up a bit. This is the part where a lot of people after having a huge emotional epiphony in December would say "And that all starts in January as my New Year's Resolution". Well, no. That's not cool either. It has to start now. I'm signing up for a 15k in the next few days. And I already have a small training plan in place. I think I may change it up though. I've nvere run further than 7 miles in my life. My plan doesn't include a lot of long runs. I need to add more. It's tough because I leave the house in the AM when it is dark and don't get home until after dark. And my treadmill is stuck in the back corner of our storage unit. I only have my elliptical available to me right now. So the plan right now is to do 2-3 long elliptical sessions during the week and a long run outside on the weekends. We'll see how that pans out. I recruited my husband as my trainer. Not becasue he knows anything about running, but because he is good at making me do things when I dont' want to do them. (Like empty the dishwasher or clean the shower). So, in conclusion my dear internet friends, please be kind to your bodies. Don't be like me. Love yourself. Both inside and out. And if you could slap me when you see or hear me saying or doing things that are negative for my innerself, please slap my pretty outer self so I stop. I'd be happy to do the same for you if you need it. Weight Watchers works. Have faith. Don't do drugs. xoxo

Monday, September 30, 2013

And now for something completely different....iFMAR Wold Championship RC Car Races: A Spectator's Review

This isn't going to be one of my usual blog posts full of bullet points and whining about my life.  If that's what you're here for, you may want to skip this post and come back when I post something else hopefully soon.

Over the weekend my husband and I made a road trip down to Chico, California to see the iFMAR World Championship RC Car Races.  If you're anything like me, you will have NO idea what this event is, but to my husband it was a big freaking deal.

My very nerdy (and handsome) husband Damon, has been loving and racing RC cars since he was a kid.  On my last count he had around 200 different cars in various stages of completion scattered throughout our garage.  He has subscriptions to all the RC magazines, frequents all the websites, blogs, and chat rooms about RC racing, and follows most if not all of the professional RC racers.  So when he saw that the World Championship races would be held not terribly far from us, it was a quick and easy decision for us to drop everything and go.  (Apparently this race happens every 2 years, and is only in the US once every 8 years, so yea, it was a big deal that it was driving distance for us.)

I instantly got online and made hotel reservations at the only hotel not booked in Chico (and it was a crap hole).  I requested a day off of work so that we could leave early to drive down to California and get to the track in time to watch the full day of qualifying on Saturday.  We found a sitter for our dogs. Packed a cooler full of snacks and beverages and hit the road.

It was a LONG 8 hour drive South for us.  I hate road trips and I suffer from car sickness like whoa.  I did not enjoy the drive.  Damon drove the whole way, wide awake out of pure excitement.  We checked into the hotel at midnight, set the alarm for 7 AM, and crawled into bed.

The next morning (Saturday), Damon was up early, dressed and ready to go in no time.  We got to the track, picked up our free tickets and entries into the HUGE raffles the were having, and went straight to the grand stands so we could watch the beginning of the qualifying rounds.  I looked around, and my first impression was that it was a beautiful track.  Huge, well maintained, and top of the line.  My second impression? "Why are there not more people here?".  While Damon watched the qualifying rounds, pointing out to me who was who and what team and what products they raced, I looked around at the people.  Just about everyone I saw had on a neck tag signifying that they were a Guest, Driver, Supplier, etc.  Everyone.  I saw no one with out one.  I figured we were missing something, so I went to investigate.  All I found was a few food venders, a couple bounce houses for children, a small test track for children to try out different RC cars, and that was it.  No vendor tables, no information booth, no schedule of events, nothing.  We were blocked from the back area of the track were the racers had their tents where they prepped for the races.  That was no big deal, it made sense, they didn't need tons of spectators wandering around back there.  But man, it was busy back there.  Tons of people coming and going constantly.  Lots of activity.  I could tell that was where all the action was!

I went back to my seat on the nearly empty grand stands and watched the races as patiently as I could.  Eventually I got out my book and just read.  I can only watch cars drive in circles for so long before I go cross-eyed.  Damon didn't mind.  He knew I would be bored.  He wasn't at all though.  For the 11 hours we sat there he never took his eyes off the track.  Not for a second.  He was completely entranced.  Just blissfully happy.  It was a lovely day.  Beautiful sunshine and a nice breeze.  A nice gentleman in a "Staff" shirt walked by the stand occasionally asking if anyone had any questions about what was happening and sat for long periods of time talking to spectators.  Since Saturday was "family day" it got pretty busy in the late afternoon.  There was a big raffle where they gave away "$10,000 worth of prizes" that in theory was a great idea, but just upset me.  (Every person was handed ONE ticket on their way in as entry into the raffle.  So every person should have ONE raffle ticket in hand.  Nope, there were people with STACKS of tickets.  It was ridiculous.  The were obviously only there for the raffle as they only appeared when the drawing was about to start.  Luckily the family I saw who had the largest stack didn't win anything, but another family who had at least 30 tickets walked away with a $500 car which he proudly stated he was going to sell on eBay as soon as he got home.  I wanted to punch him. But I restrained myself.)  There was a fantastic fireworks show in the evening which was an unexpected treat for sure.

There were no tents or displays set up at all.  None of the teams had booths or anything where we could look at products, talk to people, or buy souvenirs.  The only displays I saw were for who broadcasted the entire race, and RC Car Action Magazine.  And both of those displays were terrible. had a tent with a TV in it showing what was streaming live on the website.  The tent stayed mostly empty.  The announcers stayed in their trailer.  The RC Car Action Magazine tent was simply a tent, with picnic tables underneath, and 3 boxes of the latest edition of the magazine sitting on the table.  No reps from the magazine.  An no one even bothered to take the magazines out of the boxes so they were displayed in a way that people understood they were free.

While we were sitting in the stands occasionally drivers or suppliers that Damon recognized would walk by and he would have a moment of total celebrity awe.  As happy as Damon was, I was highly disappointed in them.  First off, most of them smoked.  Like chimneys with no consideration for those around them.  It was gross.  Also, they hung out in their little cliques and didn't pay a lick of attention to the few scattered spectators that were there.  Especially the high profile racers.  Not once did I see ANY top ranked racer walk around and talk with people.  Sure, they were probably busy prepping and getting ready for their next race, but the lower qualified racers sure seemed to have the time to stand around and smoke and bet on the outcomes.  I would have paid money for my husband to get the chance to shake hands with or get an autograph from ANY of the racers.  Watching my husband point out racers and people who used to be top racers when he was a kid and the light in his eyes when he talked about how they inspired him or how much he looked up to them just put an ache in my heart because he was SO CLOSE to these people and yet, so damn far away.  While he was happy to just be in the same facility as them and to have the opportunity to watch them, I was disappointed for him.

I was hoping that the race finals on Sunday would at least be different for him.  We brought some of his magazines he wanted autographed and the free poster he received that clearly stated on the flier was for autographs in case we got the opportunity to meet any drivers.  We were the first spectators on the grand stands again.  The only people there without passes around our necks.  The only time the grand stands were full was when the high profile races were happening.  The moment they were over everyone cleared out and went to the back tents to work on their cars.  I found that very unsportsman like for the lower level racers who were not top qualifiers.  The final race on Sunday was fantastic.  Very action packed and enjoyable to watch.  Everyone cheered and clapped for each competitor.  It was a blast.  The second the winner crossed the finish line, he disappeared.  The crowd vanished behind the pits, and the grand stands were empty in minutes leaving my husband and I just standing there, utterly confused.  The announcer went silent, the crowd was gone, and the track was empty.  We stood around for a little while, I took a few pictures of him in front of the track and we packed up and started to head out.   That's when I noticed a gaggle of people standing just inside the "No spectators beyond this point" sign.  They were setting up for the award ceremony.  IN THE BACK!  HIDDEN FROM VIEW!  I wanted to cry for my husband.  He was SO upset and told me several times "let's just go".  I refused to leave.  He needed to see that, needed a last second chance to maybe, just MAYBE, meet SOMEONE, ANYONE who he looked up to in the RC industry.  We stood at that gate for nearly an hour.  (There was a medical emergency which caused a delay.  Prayers for the gentleman who was taken away in the ambulance.  I hope he is okay.)  Because of the crowd and our inability to get past the gate, we were able to see none of the trophies being handed out.  I got a few pictures of the winners with their trophies, but they are mostly blocked from view and at terrible angles.  After the press had their shots, the crowd dissipated, and everyone went to go pack their gear.

My husband and I walked back to the car.  I was disappointed for Damon to the point of tears.  Damon assures me that he is completely happy with the outcome of the weekend.  We left the track, headed to In & Out burger for lunch as we had both never been there before, then went back out onto the open road for a 12 hour drive home.  (Yea, 12 hours...the rain storm was killer.  We barely did 40 most of the way because of road conditions and visibility.  It was terrible.)

So anyway, here are my suggestions for improvement for future iFMAR events:

1) Schedule of events. - Post it somewhere, hand it out, something.  I saw people with badges had them.  It would have been nice to know as a spectator what the heck we were watching and when certain things were going to happen.
2) Supplier/Vendor tents - Something for people to stop by and ask questions about products, get information, maybe buy some souvenir t-shirts or meet drivers sponsored by that product.
3) Event souvenirs - we had to walk across the street and a block over to buy an event shirt.  It would have been nice to have a booth or something at the event location itself.  The hobby shop the hosted the event had the few souvenirs at their shop across the street.  My husband bought a T-shirt and a hoodie.  He hasn't taken either off since.  Such a devoted nerd.  ;)
4) Meet & Greet for drivers - I know they are busy, but have a tent, and a schedule, and put a few drivers out every once and a while to shake a few hands and sign autographs.  I think these guys can spare 20 minutes of their day for their fans.  (Obviously, they feel that they cannot or they would have...but the should and that's my point here.)
5) Girls - why the heck are there NO girl RC drivers?  LOL.  

Maybe I am a total jerk and wrong in my expectations of the event.  My husband is happy, so I should be too.  But I am not.  I wanted so much more for him (as I always do).  And beyond that, what about the few random kids that attended the event.  I wonder how disappointed they were.  They look up to those racers, just like my husband does.  Developing the passion in these kids early is what will keep them devoted to the hobby their whole lives.  I know my future child will be as devoted to the hobby as my husband is.  I look forward to them spending lots of quality time together building and racing cars.  He is looking forward to the opportunity to attend more RC events in the future.  Hopefully with our future kid and not with me, of course.  ;)

Oh, and if you look at any of the coverage of the race, I am easy to find in the stands.  On Saturday (qualifying races) I am in either a black & white striped tank top or a pink t-shirt.  On Sunday I was in a white hoodie or a pink hoodie just above the Swedish flag in the grand stands.

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Monday, July 1, 2013

Being Internet Famous

I know most people who attended Fitbloggin are working on their recaps right now, but something else has inspired me and I need to write about that first.  (I'm not ready to write my recap anyway.  Too much to process still. I'll get to it later this week.)

Unlike many of the people who attended the conference, I was only there to "meet" my Internet friends for the very first time and get my fitness on.  Many of the attendees were there to promote themselves or learn how to promote themselves. That's not for me, and this weekend confirmed that.

Sure, I use the Internet for attention.  I'm an introvert who is also an attention-whore. I want people to pay attention to me, but on my terms, and I like that on the Internet I can get all that, plus there is no touching or eye contact involved.  But that's just me.  I don't have business cards for this blog.  I don't have a sponsor. I'm not part of any groups. I don't have a logo. I don't own a web page or have a fancy email address with my blog name in it.

Frankly speaking I find the whole concept of "celebrity bloggers" annoying.  I have unfollowed so many people becausee all they do is "Race Recap", "Product Review", and "Giveaway" posts.  I get nothing from that.  Well, maybe some of the race recap stuff is interesting, but if that is ALL someone post it's an unfollow too. 

(I don't know how to type out the rest of what is in my head without sounding mean.  Please, if what I am about to say applies to you, don't take offense to it, I mean no harm.  If it works for you, and makes you happy, that's great. Have fun with that.  It's not for me, and I'm just explaining why.)

I'm on the Internet because I like it here. I want others to like me and I want to relate with people who have common interest as me.  I don't need 6,000 followers on Twitter or 100 blog hits a day to feel good about myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, it would feel awesome to have that much attention...but I would only like if for a VERY short time before I became overwhelmed.

How do people even keep up with all that?  I barely have time to read my timeline as it is and I follow over 300 people.  How can someone keep up with the tweets of 6,000 people? And how can you even have relationships with those people? I like making connections, having discussions and interacting.  If you don't interact with me, I don't follow you.  And I don't follow people who annoy me.  I don't follow people just because they follow me. I mean, why should I? It's my Internet, I can do what I want with it, and I don't feel bad about that.  I also don't follow people with a large number of follower/follows.  (I make a few exceptions to that rule. I follow a few chefs, and a few bloggers who are generally interesting but don't interact with me but I don't interact with them so it's balanced out.)

I listened to a discussion about how to promote yourself online.  She mentioned some tips on how to get more followers. "Simple tricks to get yourself out there."  My thought on every single one: "Yep, I would unfollow you in an instant. That's annoying."  No, hashtagging every damn post doesn't help you.  No, mentioning brands won't get you noticed by me. Retweeting your daily blog post every hour will not get me to read it. Writing about a product you received for free (and probably begged for) and obviously will love does not get me to buy it.

I feel like a lot of the people out there that are promoting themselves because they want to be "Internet famous" are missing out on a lot of what the Internet has to offer.  They are also missing out on a lot of great people too.  If you want me to like you and follow you DO something that I like and interact with me.  Practice what you preach. Live your life and have fun with it.  Post about what you enjoy.  Make me laugh.  Make me think.  Share yourself honestly.  Be the person on the Internet who you are in person.   

Here is what I can promise to my devoted 12 followers of this blog and my 300 followers on Twitter:  I will not bombard you with hashtags unless I'm doing it to be funny.  I won't try to sell you anything I got for free and was paid to tell you about.  I might buy my own domain name and get a fancy logo. I will not get business cards for my blog/twitte account. I won't beg for followers.  I will follow you back if you actively participate in social media with me.  I will tell you honestly if you ask why I unfollowed you.  I will jump and giggle like a tween meeting Justin Bieber's mailman when we finally meet in real life.

And that my darlings is all I have to say about that....for now....


Monday, June 24, 2013

What do I really look like?

I've had some thoughts rumbling around in my head and I wanted to get them here goes.  Hopefully it makes sense.

Lately I have really been struggling with my perception of myself.  Even though my weight isn't ideal, it is just about 2 pounds over my max comfortable weight. Those little silly 2 pounds have me all messed up inside and thinking I am a huge big fat blob.  Really. 2 fricking pounds? They make all the difference between loving and hating myself?  What does 2 pounds really look like on me? Seriously.  I can't tell.  I only know because the scale tells me.

I've been beating myself up for weeks now over 7 pounds. SEVEN. My clothes fit. My pants zip. Granted they are slightly tighter than I like, but they don't look terrible. These tight-fitting, still zipping, pants are a size 6. And I'm whining about being too fat.  Six years ago I was in an un-zipped size 16 that was too tight because the dryer shrunk them and I felt fine about myself.  Why am I letting 7 stupid pounds take up so much space in my head?

I've been doing pretty good being back on track with Weight Watchers.  Lost 5lbs, in my first 2 weeks.  Tracked for 17 days straight.  Then I ran out of Weekly Points on a Thursday so called the week a failure and quit tracking and binged. Taco bell, ice cream, beer, candy, pizza, more beer, and a box of Lucky Charms were demolished.  (Update: an hour after typing this I weighed in at my Weight Watchers meeting. Lost 2.2lbs. At my Lifetime weight again!! Why am I so damn hard on myself?! I'm really my own worst enemy!)

And then yesterday the following conversation happened while shopping for some new yoga pants to wear to Fitbloggin:

Me: What size should I get?  The Small says its size 4-6 and the Medium is 8-10.
Husband: What size do you wear?
Me: 6
Husband: So get the Small.
Me: But...I'm not small.
Husband: Yes you are.
Me: No, I'm not.
Husband: According to that tag, if you wear a size 6 you are a Small.
Me: (about to cry) But...But.... I'm not small...
Husband: You may not think you are small, but you are. So buy the damn pants, and let's go. I'm hungry.

This makes me wonder.  Why do I think I am so huge?  I'm not huge. I'm Small.  And yes, I bought the pants.  And yes, they fit. Perfectly.  Why do I let the stupid tag on a pair of pants define me and make me feel a certian way about myself.  And to be honest, I don't feel any better about myself because the Small fit. So what is the big deal?  Why the hell do I still think I need to lose weight? When did being a size Small lose it's shine?  I remember crying when I put on my first ever size 8 pants. What happened to that girl?

When I hear what pant size another woman I know wears I spend hours analyzing their body shape to the picture I have in my head for what my body shape is.  Regardless of what their pant size is or their height/weight ratio, in my head I am bigger than them.  It doesn't even matter in the least bit but I dwell and dwell on it like you wouldn't believe!  Even though I know that every body is different and everyone carries their weight different.  I can't help but focus on it.  Sometimes I think I need someone to hand me a picture of someone elses body who is the exact same height/weight/measurements as me so I can see with clear eyes what everyone else sees when they look at me. Because what I see is a mess.

And the worst part about it all is that I do NOTHING to change what I hate about my shape.  I just whine, bitch, moan, complain, and self-depreciate. I would love my butt to be perkier and less cellulite-y.  But do I do squats? No.  I stare in the mirror and hate my ass and compare how awful it is to other asses I have seen on people who DO likely do squats.

What the holy eff is my problem?  Seriously.

Why can't I just be happy with myself? And if I can't be happy, why can't that be motivation to fix it?

I want to be fit.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  And yet, I don't want to do any of the things required to maintain it. I say I want it, but my actions say otherwise.

I need to think on this more.  I also need to come up with a plan and stick to it for making myself happy and staying that way.

Maybe I will learn some things at Fitbloggin to help me with this issue.  Hopefully I will meet some new people who understand and will be motivators to help me.  Or at least someone to slap me in the face so I snap out of this slump and realize how ridiculous I am being.


Monday, June 17, 2013

Social Anxiety & Me

It's been a long while since I last posted and not much has changed.  But for fun, her is a quick update on where things stand and what's been on my mind.  (All bullet points again.  I love them. Deal with it.)

  • I signed back up for Weight Watchers.  I had to.  I wasn't doing good on my own and there was no accountability for me on MyFitnessPal. Plus, I hated counting calories for fruits/veggies. I eat a lot of them.  Fruit alone sucked up half of my calories for the day sometimes. Also, I didn't like that there was no wiggle room for "splurges".  I missed Weekly Points.  I was only really tracking maybe 4 days a week on MFP.  And I wasn't tracking honestly either.  If I knew what I was eating wasn't smart, I didn't track it. Then I gave up for the rest of the week.  So, with my head hung in shame, I walked back into Weight Watchers 2 Monday's ago.  I was up 9lbs from my goal weight.  I lost over 4lbs the first week.  This week will be a small loss if there is one at all.  I have been heating every damn point I can get my hands on.  I was in the red this week, and broke even last week.  I'm okay with that though.  I'm making good choices and eating still eating what I love.  Hopefully soon I will be back to my free-Lifetime status.  I need to stick with my monthly weigh-ins once I get back there.  I need to stop forgetting how important Weight Watchers is to my success and quick thinking I can do this alone.  Because I can't.  If left to my own devices, I will get fat again.  I need Weight Watchers to keep me healthy & happy.
  • Fitbloggin is coming up quickly.  I am excited at least to try out some of the different fitness classes that are being offered. My plan is to attend every one that I possibly can.  My hope is that I find something that I am excited about and would want to try and do more often.  That's my whole goal for the event.  Get excited about fitness.  Sure, learning some new tips on blogging would be nice.  And the swag will be great too.  But really, I need to get excited about something that I can stick with.  I've lost my fitness mojo again.  As typical for me, the elliptical lost it's luster after about a month. And running has always been an annoyance to me. I want to LOVE an activity. I want to look forward to getting sweaty. I need to be passionate about something that gets me out and moving.
  • I got a FitBit Flex last week.  So far I think it is great.  I love checking the app like a psycho every hour or so to see how many steps I have logged.  The original goal setting it came with was for 10,000 steps a day. After 3 days of barely getting 3,000 steps I lowered my goal to 5,000.  I achieved that goal once.  On Saturday. I did a lot of yard work and went for a walk to get ice cream.  On Sunday I was 500 steps short.  I'm not going to go crazy gung-ho with meeting my step goal every day.  But I will definitely be trying to get up and move a little more each day.  I had no idea how lazy I am at work. I log barely 1,000 steps during that 8 hour period of time.  And that includes my 10 minute walk to and from my car.  I also love the sleep tracker.  I toss and turn a lot, but I never knew how much.  I get about 8 hours of sleep lately, with 8-16 occurrences of being "restless" a night. 
  • In all honesty, I'm terrified of Fitbloggin. I know it is supposed to be an open, honest, fun happy weekend of like-minded people.  But still, my anxiety is out of control.  I am 100% confident that every person there will hate me and think I'm a fraud.  My crazy has already kicked in and I already feel like an outsider in what seems to be an already well formed group.   want to go to this event and have the time of my life.  I don't want my anxiety to get in the way. I don't want to use alcohol to relax but sometimes that seems to be the only thing that helps.  If nothing else, this event will be a challenge for me on many levels.  Even though every inch of my body is screaming for me to run and hide, I will go.  I will be uncomfortable.  I will force myself to be social.  I will put a smile on my face, and dammit I will enjoy myself!
  • My social anxiety is the next big hurdle in my life I think.  It's my least favorite thing about my personality, but I don't really know how to change it.  On the internet I seem like a happy fun outgoing person, when really the opposite is true.  I have terrible social anxiety.  I hate being in groups. Crowds make me nervous.  Eye contact with people is torture. I am a wall flower at social events where I don't know anyone.  Small talk makes me uncomfortable.  "Ice Breakers" at events are worse than Chinese water torture. If given the choice, I would rather stay at home alone with my husband.   I want people to like me, but I don't like people.  I want to be invited out, but I don't like going out.   I saw a funny meme the other day, and of course now that I want to reference it I can't find it again.  It said something a long the lines of "I want to be invited, but I don't want to go".  Which is SO true for me!  And its not always being around strangers that give me this feeling.  I frequently avoid my phone even with family or friends call me because I know they will want to do something.  Even though I say all the time that I don't care if people like me...I'm a total fraud.  I actually do care if people like me.  In my head everyone hates me all the time so I like to say that I don't care, but it really does bug me.  I think I'm a great person, and I want people to think the same thing.  I know I'm a handful and not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay.  I always whine about wanting to be included and how I have no friends, but when it really comes down to it, I don't want to go out.  I keep putting myself out there though.  I'm not getting the results I had in my head, but maybe that's okay.  Maybe I have unreal expectations.  I don't know.  I will continue to put myself in situations that make me nervous and uncomfortable because maybe if I do it enough it will get easier.  (This is also the reason I don't sign up for fitness classes and the reason I want to sign up for fitness classes all bundled up into one.)  Anyone have any tips on social anxiety other than seeing a shrink, taking pills, or "keep doing what you're doing"?
  • My summer is filling up with lots of fun activities.  I like to keep things on an every other week rotation because it gives me the alone time I need, but gets me out of the house regularly.  After Fitbloggin will be a game night at a friends house, followed my my mom being in town for a week filled with touristy stuff.  That will be followed by the air show, and then not long after that will be Portland to Coast!  On my home-body weekends we will be doing lots of yard work and cleaning up around the house.  Since we are staying where we are at for good now it is all a matter of making it feel like home.  Our stuff is still in storage but slowly we are making progress.  I have my own closet now, and a lot of my own kitchen items as well.  The yard & garden are looking beautiful and we are making great progress each weekend.  I joined the same CSA I was in last summer as well so I'm really looking forward to the next 19 weeks worth of fresh produce!
Okay, that's about it for now.  I'll post an update after Fitbloggin with how it went. Cross your fingers for me that I make all kinds of new friends and have the time of my life! 


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Cruised into tigher pants!

Been back from our cruise for over a week now.  It was an amazing vacation that my husband and I will never forget.  It was exactly what we were hoping it would be, which was relaxing and fun. 

I don't have a lot of pictures from the trip as my camera charger was lost in the move so I just had my iPod Touch to snap a few shots with.  I shared a few on Instagram and you're welcome to pop over there too look at them.  I'm too lazy to deal with uploading & posting them.  My user name is SuperErizzle.

Here's the thing though: I gained a shit-ton of weight.

I worked moderately hard to get down to my happy weight, but gave up after a while.  I ellipticalled and ran, tracked my food, and focused on slimming down maybe 75% of the time.  I did pretty good though.  We left for the boat and I weighed 147. Eight days later I weighed 156.  Yeah. 9 pounds. "Fuck" was my reaction. 

I started my new job that day (which was last Monday) feeling gross and bloaty.  With no food in the house and no opportunity to grocery shop until Sunday, we ate out every night.  I grabbed salads for lunches from the cafeteria, and I made a quick stop at the store for bananas, but other than that, I ate like crap.

Yesterday when I got on the scale it said I weighed 152.6.  To me that says a portion of my 9 lbs gain was bloating/water retention.  So really over 2 weeks of eating like crud, I only gained 5 lbs. Which I'm pretty okay with honestly.  I know what I put into my body, and that's a number I can live with as a result.  However, it will not be sticking around for long, that's for damn sure!

Gaining 5 lbs on a cruise is easy. Actually I bet I could have actually gained the 9 lbs. Seriously. I actually TRIED to eat decently (some of the time).  I gorged myself on fresh fruit every day as much as possible.  I limited myself to one dinner roll a night. I stopped eating when I was full.  I only hit the 24 hour ice cream machine once a day. I ate a plate of deli meats and cheeses every night during cocktail hour while sipping on some of the best cocktails I have ever had.  I tried new foods that I may never get a chance to eat again like frog legs (eh, okay), escargot (decent), shark (yum), and mango on a stick from a random street vendor.  I ordered dessert every night.  I got drunk more nights than I didn't. 

Here are some of my observations on how to NOT gain 10 lbs or more on a cruise:

  1. Take the damn stairs on the boat.  For fucks sake, it has 9 floors. Chances are you are only going up or down a few levels. Don't be lazy and take the elevator.  On day 3 of the cruise my calves ached from taking the stairs and Man said his thighs were sore. This is a GOOD thing.
  2. Order the damn fresh fruit plate. It's on the menu for breakfast every day. Order it. Eat it. Then gorge yourself on the eggs Benedict. Chances are by then you will be full and won't need the side of hash browns you ordered.
  3. Walk on the beach. Don't lay there and sunbathe.  The sun is just as impactful when you are vertical as horizontal. And frankly, more evenly distributed. Plus the scenery is better walking then it is lying down. And SLATHER yourself in sunscreen. Repeatedly. Don't miss the back of your hands, tops of your feet and ears. Trust me on this.
  4. Fruity alcohol drinks should be avoided. Those things are sugar bombs and likely not real fruit anyway. I drink my booze straight. I don't feel the need to add extra calories to my liquid calories.
  5. Just because the buffet is open 24 hours does NOT mean you should eat it.
  6. If it's not something you will ever have the opportunity to eat again, or it's just something special that you love, order it and enjoy it.  If it's something you can get at home but "your on vacation" so you want to eat it, don't.  I passed up bacon every day. Not because I don't love bacon, but because I didn't need bacon. I needed to eat eggs Benedict and fruit. Plus, the ship had just regular thin bacon. I like thick cute peppered bacon. If they had that instead, game on. But I passed on the flimsy crud and ordered more cheesey grits instead.
  7. Bring snacks to the airport. Food in airports is not only super expensive, but gross. All junk. I brought snacks with us on the way there and avoided the gross, but on the way back we were forced to eat greasy fast food while we waited 6 hours for our flight in LAX. I didn't enjoy it at all, but I needed to eat.
  8. Drink lots of water. I brought a Nalgene bottle from home and carried it with me everywhere. Cheaper than bottled water.  Also, keeping hydrated helps with sunburns and hang overs.
  9. Pack your work out clothes. Chances are you won't use them. However, not bringing them means you definitely won't use them.  The thought crossed my mind to go to the gym a few time. I had the clothes with me, I just never followed thru with the urge.
  10. I can't think of a tenth one right now...but ending a list on 9 seems silly.
With all that being said...what's my plan to get back to my usual weight? I don't know yet.  More info coming soon on this, but my weight struggles have reached a new level and I'm not sure what direction to go yet.  Back to Weight Watchers? Keep trying to get MyFitnessPal to work? Sign up for a fitness class? Try a new "fad diet" just for giggles? Train for a race? I just don't know.

(Please note: I'm not going to talk about the Boston Marathon bombing. I don't have the words. My heart hurts for all those impacted and I'm saying constant prayers for them. God is good. I wish more humans would turn to Him instead of turning to violence.)

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Topic: The Dreaded Binge

I know, two days of posts in a row. Yea, weird.  I'm super busy with work and life but what's in my head has to come out or I won't be able to sleep or focus.  I was kept awake last night writing this in my head.

As part of my morning routine I read my dear friend Bebe's blog.  Yesterday she posted about binge eating and it really affected me.  (Please read here before continuing. Okay? Ready? Good.)

Binge eating is a real thing. A hard thing. And something that I struggle with to this very day.  And I imagine I always will.  For those of you who have never battled their weight you won't understand this struggle. It's like trying to understand the emotions of a recovering meth addict if you've never been one. You just can't.  But let me try to explain it.

Binge eating isn't what a lot of society thinks it is. It's not that meal where you decided to have a bacon cheeseburger instead of the salad you had planned to order at a restaurant. Nope, that's a splurge or an indulgence. A binge is where you're not hungry but you have an overwhelming urge to eat all the food. Literally all the food.  And then when you run out of food you go find more food to eat. And when it's over and you're surrounded by food wrappers and you're still not full but overflowing with guilt desperately trying to hide the evidence of what just happened so you don't have to admit to yourself or anyone else that you just at 3,000 calories in under an hour. THAT my friends is a binge. 

My last binge was a week ago. I got home from work, figured out what I was making for dinner. Then grabbed a bag of chips & a jar of salsa from the fridge. When the chips were gone I finished the salsa with crackers. When the salsa was gone I finished the crackers with a jar of pimento cheese. Then I needed something sweet so I ate some chocolate covered graham crackers and gummy bears. Then I needed salt again so I ate some salted peanuts. And then I looked at the clock, realized it was time to start dinner, hid the empty packages, made dinner, and ate it like nothing had happened an hour before.

It's the oddest feeling to need food for no other reason but to satisfy some deep random urge to eat. Most times I have no idea why I binge. Other times I do. A boredom binge or an emotional binge? Is it self sabotage? I love my body and feel great so I must eat all the food and have a reason to hate myself because I don't deserve to be happy?

I hear people say that to stop binging you just keep healthy food in the house so at least you'll binge on good food. And I have even gone as far as locking up the junk food in the house to prevent myself from getting into it when the urge hits. Yea, those things don't work. If there is food I don't have access to, I just find other food. Regardless of whether it's "healthy" food or "junk" food, it's still mass quantities consumed quickly. 

How does one prevent this? How does one stop it? I know when I'm binging. And in the moment, I'm completely unable to stop. The only possible solution I can think of that would stop a binge is to never leave me alone. I don't binge in front of people. It's embarrassing.

I think the only reasonable and rational solution to binge eating is to accept it and move on. If every other aspect of my diet is spot on. If I focus on being healthy the rest of the time, maybe, just maybe, my binge habits won't have a negative affect on my weight.  So far, it's going great.  I can be better at it though. Going out for a run or hitting the elliptical after an epic binge might counteract some of the damage. But in the moment, I'm mentally not in the place for that activity.  Plus, with a belly full of junk that's just asking for a barf-fest.

As Bebe says "One day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  So that is all I will do."


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

So Much Change!

I wrote this post in my head yesterday while running.  I've forgotten everything witty and interesting I was going to say. This is the best I can do with what I've got right now...

And yes, you read that right.  I was running yesterday!  I did 4 miles and it was great!

I know in my last post I said I wasn't missing running yet and I had no interest in starting up again, but then something happened that changed all that.  (This story will make me sound like a total twat, but I don't care. It's the truth and it got me running again.)  On the 17th Portland had it's 2nd largest race of the year, the Shamrock Run.  I have done this race 2 years prior (5k & 8k) and had planned to run the 15k this year had I not quit running in July.  I was totally fine with not running, in fact, I didn't even think about the race on the day of. It wasn't until the next morning until I overheard one of the Bitches talking about the race and her 5k time. I try really hard to not be a jealous person, but my first thought was "Bitch, I haven't run since July and I could beat that time easily". If I liked the Bitches I might have been proud of her as it was her first race, but I loathe her very existence so it bugged me.  Plus I had to listen to her repeat the damn story over and over and over all damn day. So to be spiteful, I mapped out a run when I got home that would be a 5k equivalent, geared up and hit the pavement. It was amazing.  I felt good.  Only had to walk once for a short distance to clear some internal nose sweat (snot).  And the best part? I beat her time. By a lot. Take that, Bitches! HA! (No, I didn't tell her about this run. She has no clue that I am better than her in this aspect of life and that she inspired me to get back on the road.) I was thinking about this while running yesterday and I'm okay with jealousy in this instance.  Sitting around being jealous of others is one thing, but being jealous and getting up and DOING something about it is another thing entirely.  Using jealousy as inspiration to be better is good.

The day after my thighs wanted to kill me. I could barely climb the stairs at work. It was torture. But the good kind. I got on the elliptical that night to loosen the legs back up which helped tremendously.  And then, out of no where the Man found a random box in our storage unit that just happened to contain my Garmin!  Perfect timing on his part! I actually jumped up and down screaming when I saw it!  I had been using my lack of GPS as a crappy excuse to not run so now nothing was in my way! I knew I COULD run still, and I had all the tools at my disposal to do it again!

So yesterday when I saw that the weather was going to be sunny & warm I decided to hit the pavement again and push myself a little further.  And once again, it was glorious!  I had my GPS and no excuses. I just went out and had fun. I let my mind wander and didn't focus on my time, just the distance and how my body felt.  Sure, I had to take more walk breaks, but I kept them quick.  And surprisingly, my legs feel fine today. They feel tight but not painful. I will still do some elliptical tonight to loosen them up though.

I'm happy to be back running again.  I know I am only 2 runs in and by no means where I was before, but I'm not too far behind.  I have no intention to sign up for any races any time soon. I'm running for pleasure and personal gain, nothing else.  I think it was the pressure of races, speed, and time that got in my way before and discouraged me.  In fact, I know it was. I run for me now. And I run for fun. And when I don't want to run in the rain, cold or heat, I don't have to. I can elliptical. Which I also still love and don't want to neglect.

So beyond the running, my life is about to change drastically.  On Friday I accepted a new position at work. I'm really excited about it, but tremendously nervous at the same time.  I have wanted to leave my current role for 2 years so this change has been a long time coming.  The part that sucks is that I start the new position the day after I get back from vacation.  And whats worse is that until my replacement is hired & trained I will be doing my current job part time in addition to the new job...and only getting paid to do one job.  I'm hoping they make quick progress on hiring my replacement while I'm on vacation.

Ah, vacation...we leave in 5 days. I cannot wait. I need the sun and ocean so badly I can barely stand it. I'm not at the "goal" weight I had set for myself which I'm moderately okay with. It was a pipe-dream really and I only focused on it Monday thru Thursday. Then the weekend showed up and I focused on shovelling food down my throat and not ellipticalling. I look great in my bikini, my clothes fit better than they have in months, and I am below my Lifetime weight (which only matters if I get off my butt & go weigh in at the meeting location I recently discovered near my house).  I wanted my weight to be lower only so that I could indulge on vacation and not have to worry about gaining a bunch of weight that might not come back off. But since that didn't happen I will just have to stay mindful of what I'm doing and really focus when I get back on eating better on weekends.

Oh, and I'm officially attending FitBloggin in June. I bought a ticket off of someone who had something come up and couldn't attend. So I got the Early Bird price. Which is great!  I'm actually excited.  I only know like 4 people who will be there, but it should still be a hoot. Plus, swag. Like whoa. :)

I'll try and post again when I return from vacation...but I may be busy for a bit.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Caloric Intake

This morning as I was sitting in traffic during my commute into work, my mind was wandering and I started trying to figure out why the scale had been mean to me this week.  I tracked all of my food and tracked it honestly.  I worked out three days on the elliptical. And yet, I was up a half a pound on Monday, and two pounds as of this morning.

I ran my week thru my brain over and over trying to figure out what the deal was and what I could do to fix it.  I knew I went over calories a few days, but it wasn't by much and the days I worked out I was under calories.  In my head that broke even.  But I figured I should probably check the numbers to see if that might be my problem. 

Here is the last 10 over/under:

3/4: -185
3/5: +374
3/6: +437
3/7: +237
3/8: -383
3/9: -72
3/10: -571
3/11: -31
3/12: +248
3/13: +61
3/14: -897

Total:  -782

Yea. So. Makes sense now, don't it?

Granted, yesterday's emotional random binge didn't help the situation.  I would have been +115 if I had been a good girl yesterday.

So maybe that's not my problem after all?

Regardless, it's not good what I am doing.

This is what I miss most about Weight Watchers: Weekly Points Allowance. 

After looking at all of this, I have decided to start keeping track of my over/under.  I need to keep it as close to 0 as possible.  That's my new goal.  I don't need to be under calories every day, and some days I can go over, but as long as in the end, I still break even, we are all good in the neighborhood.

And on a completely unrelated note....This happened:

It is so amazing to me. I can't believe it. I look like that in a bikini. I don't hate it. I'm not embarrassed. I don't feel the need to cover anything up.  Hard to believe that in 2007 I was that chubby girl...and I got bigger than that before I realized the error of my ways! And now, here I am, bikini ready for a vacation in 15 days. And the best part about all of this? This body ain't going no where. I didn't do all of this work the last 5 years just to go back to that girl. I refuse, flat out refuse, to be her again.  I will NOT be one of those people who lose all the weight just to put it back on again. My health and my body are too important to me.  I love myself like this and will do whatever it takes to keep it this way! :)

Well darlings, I hope you have a fabulous weekend. I know there are a BUNCH of races this weekend and to be honest I'm a little sad to not be running one of them. (I don't fully miss running yet...maybe I will soon.)  Good luck to you all!


Thursday, February 28, 2013


So I got the idea to try out #FoodiePenPals from some of my Twitter buddies.  You can read all about it here

They basic gist is: You sign up. Get randomly paired with someone who you will send a box of goodies to. And get randomly paired with a person who will send a box of goodies to you. Then each of you blog about what you sent and what you got at the end of the month.  (Box must contain something hand written and cost around $15.)

Sounds great, right?


...maybe for some. But not me.

At first the problem was totally mine. I typed my email address wrong on the entry form. Then when I didn't get an email back right away I didn't contact the person in charge like it said to if this happens. My fault. But it was quickly resolved with a few quick emails & tweets. 

I emailed my matches and told them the error with my email address was and what my correct contact information was. (Then I quickly google-stalked them, as I do everyone I come in contact with. Yes, everyone. It's likely I've done it to you. Yes, you. Deal with it.)

I was paired with a vegitarian stay-at-home mome in California with 2 kids and she sent me a very excited email about what kinds of foods her family liked as options to send her.

I decided to send her some of my local favorite foods. And because I am not bright, I didn't take a picture of the box before I sent it so here is a rough run down of what I included...

Willamette Valley Granola Chips: Never tried them...but there was a $1 off coupon attached so I thought what the hell.

Columbia Empire Marionberry preserves: The jar I sent was double this size.  I couldn't find one smaller.
Moonstruck Chocolate: I sent the Mayan chocolate bar as it is Man's favorite. They have 4 other flavors. I should have sent the coffee one as thats what my pal likes...but I couldnt' find it.

Beaver Mustard Deli mustard:  The best on grilled bratwurst.
Bob's Red Mill Pancake Mix:  I know you can get this just about anywhere but the factory is less than a mile from my house.  I drive by it every day.
I also threw in a baggie of local hazelnuts that I had in the house as well as a hand written note on a pretty card saying I hope she enjoyed everything and explaining that it was all local stuff.
According to the rules my package was soposed to be mailed no later than the 15th, but I was late and couldn't get to the post office until the 20th. So I paid for additional shipping to get it to her by Friday.  My tracking shows it was delivered.....but I have't heard from my pal so I dont know if she got it or liked it.

I have not heard a word from my other pal since I replied to her email asking for what kinds of foods I like.  That email was sent on February 5th.  I did not recieve a package. Yes, I'm bitter about this regardless of whether or not there was a warning on the website that it might happen. 

Other than not getting a box, I am upset that neither person I'm paired with are bloggers or on Twitter (one is on Twitter...but is not active). I was hoping this would be a fun social networking experience. But nope. Turns out, I just spent $30 to mail a box of food to a stranger with no recourse.


I'll get over it.

Doubt I will participate in #FoodiePenPals again though.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Monday Madness

After a lovely weekend, I have plenty to download.  Enjoy the random bullet points of thought going through my brain this morning...

  • I am SO sore from the core work I did on Friday. It was the good sore on Saturday. Today it is an annoying sore. I did core work...why the eff do my inner thighs and shoulder blades hurt like a mo fo?
  • Saturday night I went to a going away party for a college friend.  It was at a bar. Like the noisy, meat market, country music karaoke in between dance songs kind of bar. I haven't been to one in years. All 20 of our classmates were invited and only 3 showed up. I'm mildly disappointed in them. We all claimed to be there for each other and never lose touch but here it is, two months later and people can't be bothered to some say farewell to a dear friend. Anyway, I had 2 drinks total and danced like I did in my early 20s. It was a blast! Now that I think about it, that's likely why my inner thighs hurt. Dancing like that in 5 inch, yea. I got home at 2 am. It was delightful, but I am too old for that crap.
  • Vacation is just 5 weeks away.  I'm dying of excitement. I want to get out of town so badly! (I know the pic says 4 weeks...but I messed up..and corrected it...but was too lazy to take another picture.)
  • I've started weighing myself twice a week. Monday's and Thursday's.  Reason: I forget all my goals on Saturday and Sunday and am super focused during the week.  By Thursday the scale shows a beautiful number and on Monday is it up from there.  Which is why I am floating in between 152 and 150 each week, but never going below 150. That being said, I can see changes in the shape of my body from the elliptical work I have been doing, so I am okay with it.  Still....I want to be below 150 if I am putting on a swimsuit. Especially a bikini.
  • So a good friend's sister whom I have known her whole life has decided to start losing weight. She signed up for a gym and MyFitnessPal, which is great. But that's where the greatness stops.  She has lost 19lbs in 2 weeks. She eats 100 calories a day, and burns over 800.  I have sent her several notes telling her to slow down, focus on being healthy, and work on a plan that is maintainable not a crash diet. She told me that since she takes several vitamins a day what she is doing is completely healthy, and she is in nursing school so she knows this as fact. I told her "Well, its your body, destroy it if you want to. But you will never maintain your goals with that approach." I was then immediately blocked on FB and MFP.  Which makes me laugh. SO mature. Whatever. I know her well enough to know that this is just a phase she is going through.  Just like her jewelry making "business" and "equestrian training" she will get bored and quit. Which is sad because she is obese and does need to lose weight, it is good because what she is doing is even more unhealthy than being large (in my opinion). 
  • On Friday I will post about my #FoodiePenPals experience. I'm going to start drafting that blog tomorrow as it won't be polite and it will take several edits to remove the Bitch-factor.
  • I love Trader Joe's. Like LOVE.  We went for the first time last Sunday, and again yesterday. I have their pre-made salads for lunch all this week, plus lots of other goodies for dinner.
  • This weeks menu:
    • Monday: Shrimp salad for lunch. Broccoli Beef with brown rice for dinner. (Elliptical)
    • Tuesday: Santa Fe salad for lunch. Grilled chicken with Cheese Tortellini & tomato sauce for dinner. (Elliptical)
    • Wednesday: Lunch will be fruit with yogurt & hard boiled eggs. Taking the Man to my favorite Lebanese restaurant for dinner. (This will be my splurge meal of the week.)
    • Thursday: Greek salad for lunch.  Spinach, feta, and red pepper stuffed flank steaks with roasted potatoes for dinner. (Elliptical)
    • Friday: Another salad for lunch (forgot what flavor). Leftovers for dinner. (Elliptical)
    • Saturday: Late lunch/early dinner at fave BBQ restaurant followed by shoe shopping. (Elliptical)
    • Sunday: Corned Beef & Cabbage in the crock pot.
  • Speaking of the elliptical.  I need a nag buddy. I got on it Monday, Wednesday & Thursday last week. Meant to get on it Friday...did ab work instead. Said I would do it Saturday and didn't.  Promised I would do it Sunday and didn't. I'm a liar. This week I WILL haul my ass up there 4 days. I should really do the ab video that I found on Friday too.
Have a great week everyone!  XOXOX

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

February Update

Here is another fun filled bullet point heavy brain dump...

  • I weigh the exact same amount this month as I did last month at this time.  Which is fine...I guess...but I really wanted to be closer to my dream weight for the cruise we have planned for the first week in April.
  • Speaking part of my hormonal spending spree I bought a 7-night Mexico cruise.  The husband and I haven't been on a real vacation just the two of us since our last cruise...I think that was 4 years ago.  (It's funny, I can't remember the year, but I know exactly how much I weighed on that cruise. It was a lot. I had just reached my 10% goal weight loss on WW...and promptly quit.) I am SUPER excited about this trip and have the plan in my head to buy & wear a bikini.  I'm not exactly bikini ready yet, but I'm working on it (see next bullet point). 
  • We finally set up the elliptical in our bedroom.  I have been on it 3 times a week ever since.  I love it so fricken much!  When I first got on it I wanted to die after 30 minutes on the lowest resistance, but now I am up to 45 minutes at half max resistance.  My goal is to get comfortable at an hour time length at this resistance, then increase from there with more resistance and incline.  I also bought some 2lb arm weights with the hope that it adds a little extra burn power.  Haven't noticed any change there yet.  Overall, I feel great.  I feel better about myself and thinner even if the scale doesn't agree.  I want to feel good in my nearly naked skin when we go to Mexico.  I know there is nothing to be done about the cellulite on the back of my thighs, but hopefully toning and slimming make a small difference in the dimply-ness. 
  • So, Fitbloggin is in Portland in June, and I live in Portland.  While I would LOVE to go, the topics are more focused for bloggers with actual followers and fitness related topics.  That being said, reviewing the list of people attending there are a TON of people going who I would die to meet.  People I follow on Twitter especially.  I'm torn.  I don't want to pay a bunch of money just to meet these people and get the swag.  I can make myself 100% available during the entire event for ANY person who wants to hang out.  I am also available for chauffeur services.  I will likely be paying close attention for last minute cancellations with people offering up their tickets. 
  • I have no idea what "Harlem Shake" or "Catfish" is. Nor do I care.
  • Downton Abbey is no longer my favorite show. It gives me rage.
  • I still haven't bought the Sperry's I mentioned last month.  But I did spend quite a bit on a new Coach wallet and some shirts from Forever21.  I still want the shoes.  And I also want this... (But with mine & Man's initials)
  • I signed up to do Foodie Pen Pals this month.  At first I was super excited about it, but so far I am not impressed.  My pen pal that I send stuff too AND the pen pal I get stuff from are both not bloggers or on Twitter.  I sent off my box to my pen pal today (forgot to take a picture to post).  It was late so I paid extra to rush delivery to her.  The pen pal who is supposed to send me something has not contacted me.  I doubt she will either.
  • I wish my blog was awesome and popular enough that companies would give me free shit to review.  I would like a free plane ticket specifically.  But I will also take shoes, food, accessories, technology, beverages, or anything really. 
That's all for now my lovelies.  xoxo

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Thursday Things

I have a bunch of random crap in my head that I need somewhere do here it is...

  • Been tracking on MyFitnessPal the last few weeks, and while I love the program and am doing great at tracking, I'm not doing so good at staying within my calories for the day.  I put myself at wanting to lose a half a pound a week because that feels like a good amount for me as I am okay with what I weigh now and am in no hurry or dire need to get the few pounds I put on last year back off.  I liked how on WW I had "Weeklies" to use when I go over my daily allotment.  I wish I had the same on MFP because I go over each day. Some days by a lot, and some days by a little. But it all adds up.
  • I'm really irritated at Weight Watchers right now and I don't know if this is still left over random hormonal rage or real annoyance.  I'm only a few ounces away from my Lifetime weight so with minor effort I could get to where it was free for me again and start going back.  But I just don't want to.  I'm not going to detail out why I am mad mostly because it is ridiculous, but also because my rant will hurt some people's feelings. I haven't yet sorted out my anger into a way that is only directed at the company so until I do, I will keep it to myself.  I still love the program, and I know that it works and is an amazing system that I will continue to recommend to everyone who wants to lose weight and get healthy.
  • Finally bought an elliptical last night. As my treadmill is in storage, and I have completely lost all interest in running, this seemed like a good way for me to get some activity in. The only problem is that we currently have no room for it in the house where we are living.  Some drastic changes to our living arrangement needs to be made in order for it to fit in our room.  These changes are out of my control as it isn't my house or my crap that is in the way.
  • Speaking of living situations...looks like we aren't buying a house any time soon. Nor does it look like the MIL will be moving out any time soon.  While I am disappointed with both scenarios, I understand the reasons and I am coping with the fact that all of this is also out of my control and I just have to have patience.  For right now, I take each day as it comes and deal the best I can.
  • My emotions have finally calmed down from the hormonal roller coaster I have been on the last few weeks.  The extreme rage and random tears really freaked me out.  It's nice to have my body & mind back in my control again.  I'm still saddened by the situation, but I've come to terms with it and I feel okay.  The support I received from everyone on Twitter was amazing and that really helped. I can't even begin to explain how much it helped. (Support from the real people in my life? Well that's a different story completely that I won't get into. Some of them were fantastic..and others behaved "par for the course"). Today marks 2 weeks from my hospital visit. In 2 months we can try again. Not that we tried before. I've cut myself off from margaritas until then, just to be safe.
  • I have a serious shoe crush right now. It's bad. I can't stop thinking about them, but I am too cheap to actually buy them.  I have hated boat shoes for years and years because I have this irrational feeling that unless you own a boat they are silly.  But then I realized I own ballet flats, but don't do ballet. Plus I need a sturdy pair of flats that are cute, pair with socks, and aren't boring.  They come in other colors. Right now, I love the white, but I would also like the pink, silver, and purple

  • I've been spending money like crazy lately so I need to hold back on silly purchases like glittery shoes for a while. Well, at least until the check clears from paying off my credit card that we used on vacation.
  • I have changed my address with every place that has it, and yet mail still goes to the old house. Yesterday I emailed 2 people confirming the new address. I resisted the urge to type "For the SECOND TIME, here is my new address...".  I feel like a lot of things are getting lost in the mail and it is stressing me out. We used to get a ton of mail at the old house and now we get like one or two things every other day. That can't be right.
  • I should post more often with random bullet points of crap in my brain. Mostly because it feels nice, but also so that I have less to dump on my few readers. Likely no one has even gotten this far into my rambling, so I guess it doesn't matter.  I post here for me anyway.
  • I can't remember what else I had to bitch about.  I guess that's a good thing!

Monday, January 7, 2013

2012 in review & other rambling...

I know this is a week late...I was a week late last year too. I don't give a crap. This is my blog, I do what I want! :)

2012 was a big year for me. Lots of ups & downs and big changes.  2013 hasn't started out that great either.  Hopefully it gets better.

Let's start with reviewing my goals fro 2012 before I get into that though...

2012 Goals:
1)  Get back to my "Happy Weight" and stay there! None of this up and down shit.  HA!! Yea, right! Up and down like whoa!  But stayed pretty much in the same weight range, didn't get to the "Happy Weight" just at "goal weight" which is fine.
2)  Maintain my 4.0 GPA  NOPE! Got a B in International Dynamics which I didn't deserve. That pissed me off enough that I managed a B+ in Ethics and an A- in Operations Management.  I graduated with a 3.905 which I fine by me!
3) Run the 8k Shamrock Run (not the 15k like I really want, I am just not ready...maybe 2013) - March Done!
4)  Race for the Roses 5k- April (Found out they have a 10k...thinking on this one...) Nope. School got in the way. But I did to the Bridge to Brews 10k in early May,the Rum Run 10kin late May, and the Lacamas Lake 4 miler in June.
5) Personal - May Done - but in June. (I had my IUD taken out...more on this later.)
6) Portland to Coast - August - Maybe...I don't have a team this year.  I need to find one Done! Found an LDS team that let me join! It was a blast!
7) Race for the Cure 5k - September Nope. Haven't hit the pavement since June. (More on this later.)
8) Graduate from College - December DONE!!
9)  Go to Cleveland for Christmas - December  DONE!!
10)  Race for the Cure - September Nope...wait...isn't this #7? I'm dumb.
11) Blog at least once a month HA! Yea right!
12) Finally convince the folks at Weight Watchers to fly me to New York and make me an official Success Story. (yea,yea, this one is a LONG shot...but a girl can dream, right?) Epic FAIL!!
13) Attend a Weight Watchers meeting AT LEAST once a month, earning a new Key in December.  NOPE.

So there it is, a moderately successful year. A lot of other things happened in 2012 too.  We also sold our house and almost bought another one.  Yep, you read that right. Almost.  The deal fell through the day of closing. Due to no fault of our own and some bad advice from our Agent and Mortgage Broker we now live in the spare bedroom or my Mother in Law's house with all of our belongings in storage and no possibility of getting another home loan for 5 years.  It's awesome (sarcasm).  No clue what we are going to do yet.  The Man doesn't want to rent and I can't live with the MIL for much longer. Right now it looks like she will move into a senior community and let us have the house as it is paid off and part of the Man's inheritance anyway. If that happens Man & I will pay her rent as compensation for living in the house. For now, I am thoroughly enjoying having no bills to pay.

The move is part of the reason I stopped running. I am full of bullshit and excuses and I could totally find a way to run again if I really wanted to, but I don't. My Garmin is packed some place in storage. I know I need to get back on the pavement again, but I just haven't reached that point yet where I actually do it. Also, I want to buy an elliptical. I hate the elliptical in a good way. I got rid of my gym membership when we moved as one wasn't by the house and I regret that now. I miss yoga & the elliptical.  I need to remedy this situation pronto. I have the money...just not the room for an elliptical right now. Hopefully soon.

Just a few weeks after we moved in with the MIL, I found out I was pregnant.  Man & I hadn't planned on "trying" until the new year, but that plan fell through...literally.  I quit wine, coffee & Weight Watchers (my 3 favorite things) right away.  Long story short, my ultrasound this morning showed no heartbeat, and no baby.  We knew this might happen and I am okay. We had an ultrasound a few weeks back that didn't look good, so this was a follow up appt that turned out how we expected.  I need to have a D&C next week which terrifies me for some reason. Family & friends are really shocked. Many of them never expected me to ever want a baby so they were pretty floored when the got the news that I was pregnant to begin with. Then this second blow hit them pretty hard too.  Man is a mess about it. It's sad because before this pregnancy he was 110% certain he never wanted a baby. He is ready to try again whenever I am. I just don't know when that will be yet.

The outpouring of love and support I have gotten from everyone today has been amazing.  It makes a tough situation even easier to digest. Everyone has offered support in any form. I get text & phone calls asking if I need or want anything and it warms my heart.  I know I am not the first nor the last woman to go thru this and that none of this is my fault. Knowing I don't have to go thru this alone is a blessing.

I don't really have any plans for 2013 yet. I just want to take it as it comes. 

Not sure if I will get back on the Weight Watchers band wagon just yet. I may just stick to MyFitnessPal when my weight gets higher than it should. If that doesn't work, I will get right back into a WW meeting though you can count on that!  I know what works and what is real, and Weight Watchers is it for me.  I just don't have it in me to go back right now.

For now, I just want to get my house situation in order and my job situation upgraded. The rest can just fall into place as it wants to.

God has a plan for me and my family.  I trust Him and love Him with all that I have. (Sorry, I usually keep my faith of the internets, but during a time like can't be helped.)

Love to you all!  May your 2013 be filled with love and laughter like I hope mine will be!