Monday, June 17, 2013

Social Anxiety & Me

It's been a long while since I last posted and not much has changed.  But for fun, her is a quick update on where things stand and what's been on my mind.  (All bullet points again.  I love them. Deal with it.)

  • I signed back up for Weight Watchers.  I had to.  I wasn't doing good on my own and there was no accountability for me on MyFitnessPal. Plus, I hated counting calories for fruits/veggies. I eat a lot of them.  Fruit alone sucked up half of my calories for the day sometimes. Also, I didn't like that there was no wiggle room for "splurges".  I missed Weekly Points.  I was only really tracking maybe 4 days a week on MFP.  And I wasn't tracking honestly either.  If I knew what I was eating wasn't smart, I didn't track it. Then I gave up for the rest of the week.  So, with my head hung in shame, I walked back into Weight Watchers 2 Monday's ago.  I was up 9lbs from my goal weight.  I lost over 4lbs the first week.  This week will be a small loss if there is one at all.  I have been heating every damn point I can get my hands on.  I was in the red this week, and broke even last week.  I'm okay with that though.  I'm making good choices and eating still eating what I love.  Hopefully soon I will be back to my free-Lifetime status.  I need to stick with my monthly weigh-ins once I get back there.  I need to stop forgetting how important Weight Watchers is to my success and quick thinking I can do this alone.  Because I can't.  If left to my own devices, I will get fat again.  I need Weight Watchers to keep me healthy & happy.
  • Fitbloggin is coming up quickly.  I am excited at least to try out some of the different fitness classes that are being offered. My plan is to attend every one that I possibly can.  My hope is that I find something that I am excited about and would want to try and do more often.  That's my whole goal for the event.  Get excited about fitness.  Sure, learning some new tips on blogging would be nice.  And the swag will be great too.  But really, I need to get excited about something that I can stick with.  I've lost my fitness mojo again.  As typical for me, the elliptical lost it's luster after about a month. And running has always been an annoyance to me. I want to LOVE an activity. I want to look forward to getting sweaty. I need to be passionate about something that gets me out and moving.
  • I got a FitBit Flex last week.  So far I think it is great.  I love checking the app like a psycho every hour or so to see how many steps I have logged.  The original goal setting it came with was for 10,000 steps a day. After 3 days of barely getting 3,000 steps I lowered my goal to 5,000.  I achieved that goal once.  On Saturday. I did a lot of yard work and went for a walk to get ice cream.  On Sunday I was 500 steps short.  I'm not going to go crazy gung-ho with meeting my step goal every day.  But I will definitely be trying to get up and move a little more each day.  I had no idea how lazy I am at work. I log barely 1,000 steps during that 8 hour period of time.  And that includes my 10 minute walk to and from my car.  I also love the sleep tracker.  I toss and turn a lot, but I never knew how much.  I get about 8 hours of sleep lately, with 8-16 occurrences of being "restless" a night. 
  • In all honesty, I'm terrified of Fitbloggin. I know it is supposed to be an open, honest, fun happy weekend of like-minded people.  But still, my anxiety is out of control.  I am 100% confident that every person there will hate me and think I'm a fraud.  My crazy has already kicked in and I already feel like an outsider in what seems to be an already well formed group.   want to go to this event and have the time of my life.  I don't want my anxiety to get in the way. I don't want to use alcohol to relax but sometimes that seems to be the only thing that helps.  If nothing else, this event will be a challenge for me on many levels.  Even though every inch of my body is screaming for me to run and hide, I will go.  I will be uncomfortable.  I will force myself to be social.  I will put a smile on my face, and dammit I will enjoy myself!
  • My social anxiety is the next big hurdle in my life I think.  It's my least favorite thing about my personality, but I don't really know how to change it.  On the internet I seem like a happy fun outgoing person, when really the opposite is true.  I have terrible social anxiety.  I hate being in groups. Crowds make me nervous.  Eye contact with people is torture. I am a wall flower at social events where I don't know anyone.  Small talk makes me uncomfortable.  "Ice Breakers" at events are worse than Chinese water torture. If given the choice, I would rather stay at home alone with my husband.   I want people to like me, but I don't like people.  I want to be invited out, but I don't like going out.   I saw a funny meme the other day, and of course now that I want to reference it I can't find it again.  It said something a long the lines of "I want to be invited, but I don't want to go".  Which is SO true for me!  And its not always being around strangers that give me this feeling.  I frequently avoid my phone even with family or friends call me because I know they will want to do something.  Even though I say all the time that I don't care if people like me...I'm a total fraud.  I actually do care if people like me.  In my head everyone hates me all the time so I like to say that I don't care, but it really does bug me.  I think I'm a great person, and I want people to think the same thing.  I know I'm a handful and not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay.  I always whine about wanting to be included and how I have no friends, but when it really comes down to it, I don't want to go out.  I keep putting myself out there though.  I'm not getting the results I had in my head, but maybe that's okay.  Maybe I have unreal expectations.  I don't know.  I will continue to put myself in situations that make me nervous and uncomfortable because maybe if I do it enough it will get easier.  (This is also the reason I don't sign up for fitness classes and the reason I want to sign up for fitness classes all bundled up into one.)  Anyone have any tips on social anxiety other than seeing a shrink, taking pills, or "keep doing what you're doing"?
  • My summer is filling up with lots of fun activities.  I like to keep things on an every other week rotation because it gives me the alone time I need, but gets me out of the house regularly.  After Fitbloggin will be a game night at a friends house, followed my my mom being in town for a week filled with touristy stuff.  That will be followed by the air show, and then not long after that will be Portland to Coast!  On my home-body weekends we will be doing lots of yard work and cleaning up around the house.  Since we are staying where we are at for good now it is all a matter of making it feel like home.  Our stuff is still in storage but slowly we are making progress.  I have my own closet now, and a lot of my own kitchen items as well.  The yard & garden are looking beautiful and we are making great progress each weekend.  I joined the same CSA I was in last summer as well so I'm really looking forward to the next 19 weeks worth of fresh produce!
Okay, that's about it for now.  I'll post an update after Fitbloggin with how it went. Cross your fingers for me that I make all kinds of new friends and have the time of my life! 



  1. I know one person in real life that is attending Fitbloggin. I have never been. And yes, most days I feel like it is a giant group of friends and I will be an outsider. However, if you feel the way and I feel this way then I guess that means we get to hang out together and form our own group :) And it's going to be awesome. Be prepared to spend alot of time laughing at me making a fool out of myself in the fitness classes.

  2. xoxox

    I wish I was going to be at Fitbloggin. I wish that I wasn't broke. Hun you are amazing. You know you are. You will do amazing things with your life. You have hit a speed bump. Hop back on.

    YOU ARE NOT A FRAUD. If anyone hates you it's their loss.

  3. I've been to FitBloggin' once before (2011), but I'm still nervous about it, too. It's not easy going to a "fitness" conference when I'm over 100 pounds overweight, but it is what it is and I know I'll have an awesome time. Looking forward to meeting you (& Dacia)! :)