Thursday, January 23, 2014

Takin' the Stairs, like a Boss!

Back in April of last year I switched jobs within the same company and moved to a new building. In the previous building I was on the 2nd floor of a 3 story building. Now I am on the 6th floor of a 9 story building. When I first moved I was excited about the opportunity to take the stairs instead of the elevator to get in a little mor activity but I quickly learned that it was not an option for me to do so.

(It's cute how I say I wanted to take the stairs for "activity" that's totally a lie, I actually hate elevators. I don't like being that close to strangers. I also say I park in the back lot because it's a farther walk. That's a lie too. I'm terrified of parking garages.)

Last week one of my coworkers walked by huffing and puffing saying she had just taken the stairs and was out of breath. I made her immediately turn around and show me where and how she got into the stairwell. Another coworker overheard and tagged along because he was also interested in taking the staris! Next thing I know, they are online ordering Fitbits and I am drafting up a calendar to keep track of how oftern we take the stairs up and down!

I was on cloud nine that whole day. As many of you who follow me on Twitter know, I have don't have the best relationship with people I work with. I mean, my new team is NOTHING like The Bitches from my previous job, but I've never felt like I belonged.

Well, that was last week. On Monday of this week two other coworkers noticed what the three of us were doing and JOINED IN! Now all 5 of us are taking the stairs when we get in each morning, and any time we need something down stairs. What's even better is that when one of us is going down we say "Stairs?" and everyone (who is available) gets up and tags along!

My heart is so full right now for all the positivity and commradery. Who would have thought something so simple would bring us together? It is awesome.

And the best part? My thighs. It's been a week and I can already feel a difference. I had no idea that it would be so hard to walk up 6 flights of stairs (a total of 154 total stairs to be exact). I am winded by the 5th floor and struggle the last bit. Expecially in the morning when I am carrying my purse and lunch bag.

Also, just by adding the daily stairs I have increased my daily step count enough to reach my 5,000 goal every day this week! Usually I only get my goal on the weekends! (If you want to add me as a friend on Fitbit, my user name is SuperErizzle. I can't figure out how to add friends, so you have to add me.)

In my last post I talked about how small changes really do add up, and this is just more example of that! If you are struggling or having a hard time or feel overwhelmed by your goals, just do ONE thing different. Then do one more thing. And then one more.

Also, don't be afraid to talk about your journey with others. You never know who you will inspire or who will inspire you.

I haven't seen any difference on the scale yet, but that's not really what matters in the grand scheme of things.

And speaking of the scale...I'm above my goal weight again. Not by much, but by enough. I'm working hard to get it back down. I've tracked 100% for 2 weeks straight and that's the first time I have done that in...well...I can't even remember. The scale may not be showing a number I want right now, but I am SO happy with everything that I am doing. I'm taking yoga once a week, I'm back on a training schedule (15k, Baby!), I'm drinking 100oz of water a day, and I'm tracking honestly every day.

Oh, and I was thinking of finally taking the plunge and buying my own domain name and creating an actual real website for all my random blogging. If any of you readers know how to do that and are willing to help, please let me know. I feel really restricted in this current format and I would really like to grow this little blog a bit more.


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Small Changes Really Add Up!

While eating dinner the other night my Mr. and I had the episode of Big Bang Theory on where they all buy the time machine. Randomly I said "If I had a time machine, I would go back 10 years just to tell you that not only would you eventually be married to someone this hot, but you would be eating a vegetables every night by choice. I bet you wouldn't believe me". He agreed. We discussed for quite a bit how different our eating habits are now from when we first got married. It really is unbelievable how far we have come in 7 years! And the most impressive part about all of them is that we keep it up. We enjoy the changes and look forward to making more.

What kind of changes have we made? Okay, well…to begin with we eat vegetables every night with dinner. Without fail. My vegetable-hating husband always picks. 5 years ago, if we ate veggies it was corn. Maybe green beans. And that’s it. I've always loved veggies but I never cooked them because Mr. didn't eat them. But when it became important to my lifestyle to have them, I started cooking them for myself, he would try them and most of the time he actually liked them! Now we eat broccoli, bell peppers, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, spinach, kale, and asparagus pretty regularly and barely eat corn any more. Green beans will always be a family favorite though. And we buy fresh local, or frozen (preferably organic) veggies. I can't even remember the last time we bought canned veggies. Which is what we used to always eat. Just the idea of eating a canned vegetable grosses me out now. (I keep a few on hand though. In case of the apocalypse. Just enough to tide us over until we can plant/can our own after society collapses.)

Other things different about our diet now that have slowly changed over time:
1) Limited artificial sugars - no HFCS or aspartame. Splenda or Stevia only. (Cutting back on the Splenda where we can.)
2) No palm oil! (Save the orangutans!)
3) We eat breakfast. I started this when I got on Weight Watchers and then talked the husband into doing it too. We both really aren't morning eaters but with some trial and error we found what works. I have yogurt and fruit usually. He has a V8 and a "breakfast bar" (which is what everyone else calls a granola bar).
3) We make it from scratch instead of buying packaged if possible.
4) Buy local when possible. (And yes, we are willing to pay more for it.)
5) Fresh ground spices and spice mixes from a spice store. (They may be more $$ but they taste better and have less added crap like salt.)
6) Dropped from 2% milk to 1% milk 5 years ago when I started Weight Watchers. Last year we switched to organic milk. It tastes better and lasts longer. (Seriously, check the expiration date on organic vs. regular. It is actually a cost savings to buy organic if you don't use it quickly like us.)
7) Limited diet soda intake. I used to drink a minimum of 32oz a day. Now I have like 1 a week and never caffeinated. I have an addiction to sparkling water though. It's all about the bubbles! The Mr. is down to 1 can a day from 2 years ago when he was up to 4 a day. He wants to be 100% off it by the end of the year so we are currently looking for alternative caffeinated beverages for him. (He hates coffee and most teas).
8) We don't eat McDonald's. We used to go weekly. I would order 2 double cheeseburgers, a large frie, 9 piece chicken nuggets and a side of tartar sauce. For myself. Then when I started Weight Watchers I had to quit eating like that because of the Points. I only splurged on it maybe once a month for years. Then 2 years ago I found a left over double cheeseburger in the back of my fridge that had been there for so long I didn't even remember putting it in there. It did not rot or mold. It still looked like a double cheeseburger. But just hard as a rock. Haven't eaten there since. I find food that doesn't rot or mold to be revolting. (We still eat Taco Bell. I can't quit that shit. I know it's terrible. But tacos are life's blood. Shut up.)
9) We read labels. If it is full of chemicals we don't buy it. The shorter the ingredient list the better. (Also, the information on labels is also surprising! Did you know that the first ingredient in most coffee creamers is oil? Gross. Who wants oil in their coffee? Not me!)

But how did we do that? And how have we kept it going for so long?

We did it slowly over time. And we didn't do it all at once. One little change let to another. And those little changes really add up over time!

I honestly don't think that had we just said "Okay it is January 1st so no we no longer eat fast food and drink soda, and we only eat all organic diets from now on" we would have failed pretty quickly. Like probably 2 weeks due to Taco Bell.

Because these aren't "rules" but choices we make it's easier to keep making them. If we chose to buy or eat something that doesn’t fit our "norm" that's okay too. And we keep making adjustments and new changes too. I think in 5 more years our diet will be drastically different from what it is now too. Hopefully for the better!

I don't really know what my point is here, but I think it is this: Small changes really add up! Do one thing different and when that feels natural, do another thing. And so on!


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I did a bad bad thing.

I have a confession to make. It's bad. Like really bad. I did a crash diet to lose 2 pounds so I would be under my Lifetime limit because my "free" membership was about to expire. I only ate fruit and veggies for 2 days straight. And as a last ditch effort, I chugged laxatives and water. And you know what.... didn't work. I was .8 over and had to pay the weekly fee. So it was all for nothing. I'm embarassed and ashamed. I should know better. I confessed this sin to 2 of my Weight Watcher friends yesterday just prior to my weigh in. One response was complete horror at what I was doing. The other response was in agreeance with my behaviour and a confession that she does the same sometimes. It was probably becasue I was so hungry at the time that my mind was clouded and I didn't immediatly slap us both in the face for being so hurtful to our bodies. It wasn't until after I over-indulged (but tracked)in some very delious ground turkey tacos with home made quacamole and a handful of Trader Joes' frosted gingermen cookies that it occured to me how unhealthy the conversation I had with that friend was. And that I not only need to do something about for her, but I need to stop this damn yo-yo I'm doing and be honest with myself. So here's my full confession: I have "free" Lifetime membership to Weight Watchers that lasts 8 weeks. For 7 weeks I track occasionally, work out rarely, and I don't go to meetings. Then, when my calendar alerts me that my subscription is about to expire, I crash diet. I take laxatives to "clean out" any excess junk from my guts so I will weigh less. I throw myself on the elliptical until I get all wobbly (mostly from lack of food). Then I get on the scale and hope for a pretty number so I can get renewed for 8 more weeks free. Regardless of what is on the scale that day I go home and binge becasue I'm starving. Where in the Hell did I get the idea that this was okay to do? At what point did I suddenly decide that laxatives were a good idea to save a few ounces on the scale? Laxatives are for consitpation. Not weight loss. And it is lying. Lying to yourself and the scale. Laxatives are not a "cleanse" or a "detox". They aren't going to help you get to your goal any faster. They are chemicals. And gross. People with eating disorders use them. We do NOT have an eating disorder. Like those last few little ounces of digesing food in my system really matter that much anyway. It's in there for a reason. And that reason is more important than a damn number on the scale. And besides, the binge that will occur less than an hour after stepping on the scale just counteracts every thing the laxative did. This cycle has to end. And it has to end NOW. I need to be (and here is the key) CONSISTANT. No more of this yo-yo bullshit. I know what needs to be done. I know how to do it. I'm just being lazy. Like super lazy. So, the plan moving forward is this: I will NOT wait until 8 weeks to get my shit in order. I will never again take laxatives to "clean out" my system. I will never again go without food as punishment. I will be honest with myself and treat myself kindly. I will not tolerate the same behaviour in my friends either. (So, friend, you know who you are...prepare for a lengthy's coming. I treat my self like crap and that needs to stop. I spout all the time how much I love myself, but if that is true, why am I treating myself so badly? Sure, I look great on the outside, but what kind of damage am I doing on the inside? I need a more whole-istic (is that a thing?) approach. I've been battling a major case of the sads the last few month...well, almost a year really...and I need to snap out of it. Maybe if I treated myself better, I would feel better. Plus, having a healthy functioning system of guts would probably benefit in some other ways too. No wonder my insides are "broken" and not doing what I want them to do. No wonder I am so damn sad and lazy all the time. I'm pretty enough on the outside, time to focus on the inside and clean that up a bit. This is the part where a lot of people after having a huge emotional epiphony in December would say "And that all starts in January as my New Year's Resolution". Well, no. That's not cool either. It has to start now. I'm signing up for a 15k in the next few days. And I already have a small training plan in place. I think I may change it up though. I've nvere run further than 7 miles in my life. My plan doesn't include a lot of long runs. I need to add more. It's tough because I leave the house in the AM when it is dark and don't get home until after dark. And my treadmill is stuck in the back corner of our storage unit. I only have my elliptical available to me right now. So the plan right now is to do 2-3 long elliptical sessions during the week and a long run outside on the weekends. We'll see how that pans out. I recruited my husband as my trainer. Not becasue he knows anything about running, but because he is good at making me do things when I dont' want to do them. (Like empty the dishwasher or clean the shower). So, in conclusion my dear internet friends, please be kind to your bodies. Don't be like me. Love yourself. Both inside and out. And if you could slap me when you see or hear me saying or doing things that are negative for my innerself, please slap my pretty outer self so I stop. I'd be happy to do the same for you if you need it. Weight Watchers works. Have faith. Don't do drugs. xoxo

Monday, September 30, 2013

And now for something completely different....iFMAR Wold Championship RC Car Races: A Spectator's Review

This isn't going to be one of my usual blog posts full of bullet points and whining about my life.  If that's what you're here for, you may want to skip this post and come back when I post something else hopefully soon.

Over the weekend my husband and I made a road trip down to Chico, California to see the iFMAR World Championship RC Car Races.  If you're anything like me, you will have NO idea what this event is, but to my husband it was a big freaking deal.

My very nerdy (and handsome) husband Damon, has been loving and racing RC cars since he was a kid.  On my last count he had around 200 different cars in various stages of completion scattered throughout our garage.  He has subscriptions to all the RC magazines, frequents all the websites, blogs, and chat rooms about RC racing, and follows most if not all of the professional RC racers.  So when he saw that the World Championship races would be held not terribly far from us, it was a quick and easy decision for us to drop everything and go.  (Apparently this race happens every 2 years, and is only in the US once every 8 years, so yea, it was a big deal that it was driving distance for us.)

I instantly got online and made hotel reservations at the only hotel not booked in Chico (and it was a crap hole).  I requested a day off of work so that we could leave early to drive down to California and get to the track in time to watch the full day of qualifying on Saturday.  We found a sitter for our dogs. Packed a cooler full of snacks and beverages and hit the road.

It was a LONG 8 hour drive South for us.  I hate road trips and I suffer from car sickness like whoa.  I did not enjoy the drive.  Damon drove the whole way, wide awake out of pure excitement.  We checked into the hotel at midnight, set the alarm for 7 AM, and crawled into bed.

The next morning (Saturday), Damon was up early, dressed and ready to go in no time.  We got to the track, picked up our free tickets and entries into the HUGE raffles the were having, and went straight to the grand stands so we could watch the beginning of the qualifying rounds.  I looked around, and my first impression was that it was a beautiful track.  Huge, well maintained, and top of the line.  My second impression? "Why are there not more people here?".  While Damon watched the qualifying rounds, pointing out to me who was who and what team and what products they raced, I looked around at the people.  Just about everyone I saw had on a neck tag signifying that they were a Guest, Driver, Supplier, etc.  Everyone.  I saw no one with out one.  I figured we were missing something, so I went to investigate.  All I found was a few food venders, a couple bounce houses for children, a small test track for children to try out different RC cars, and that was it.  No vendor tables, no information booth, no schedule of events, nothing.  We were blocked from the back area of the track were the racers had their tents where they prepped for the races.  That was no big deal, it made sense, they didn't need tons of spectators wandering around back there.  But man, it was busy back there.  Tons of people coming and going constantly.  Lots of activity.  I could tell that was where all the action was!

I went back to my seat on the nearly empty grand stands and watched the races as patiently as I could.  Eventually I got out my book and just read.  I can only watch cars drive in circles for so long before I go cross-eyed.  Damon didn't mind.  He knew I would be bored.  He wasn't at all though.  For the 11 hours we sat there he never took his eyes off the track.  Not for a second.  He was completely entranced.  Just blissfully happy.  It was a lovely day.  Beautiful sunshine and a nice breeze.  A nice gentleman in a "Staff" shirt walked by the stand occasionally asking if anyone had any questions about what was happening and sat for long periods of time talking to spectators.  Since Saturday was "family day" it got pretty busy in the late afternoon.  There was a big raffle where they gave away "$10,000 worth of prizes" that in theory was a great idea, but just upset me.  (Every person was handed ONE ticket on their way in as entry into the raffle.  So every person should have ONE raffle ticket in hand.  Nope, there were people with STACKS of tickets.  It was ridiculous.  The were obviously only there for the raffle as they only appeared when the drawing was about to start.  Luckily the family I saw who had the largest stack didn't win anything, but another family who had at least 30 tickets walked away with a $500 car which he proudly stated he was going to sell on eBay as soon as he got home.  I wanted to punch him. But I restrained myself.)  There was a fantastic fireworks show in the evening which was an unexpected treat for sure.

There were no tents or displays set up at all.  None of the teams had booths or anything where we could look at products, talk to people, or buy souvenirs.  The only displays I saw were for who broadcasted the entire race, and RC Car Action Magazine.  And both of those displays were terrible. had a tent with a TV in it showing what was streaming live on the website.  The tent stayed mostly empty.  The announcers stayed in their trailer.  The RC Car Action Magazine tent was simply a tent, with picnic tables underneath, and 3 boxes of the latest edition of the magazine sitting on the table.  No reps from the magazine.  An no one even bothered to take the magazines out of the boxes so they were displayed in a way that people understood they were free.

While we were sitting in the stands occasionally drivers or suppliers that Damon recognized would walk by and he would have a moment of total celebrity awe.  As happy as Damon was, I was highly disappointed in them.  First off, most of them smoked.  Like chimneys with no consideration for those around them.  It was gross.  Also, they hung out in their little cliques and didn't pay a lick of attention to the few scattered spectators that were there.  Especially the high profile racers.  Not once did I see ANY top ranked racer walk around and talk with people.  Sure, they were probably busy prepping and getting ready for their next race, but the lower qualified racers sure seemed to have the time to stand around and smoke and bet on the outcomes.  I would have paid money for my husband to get the chance to shake hands with or get an autograph from ANY of the racers.  Watching my husband point out racers and people who used to be top racers when he was a kid and the light in his eyes when he talked about how they inspired him or how much he looked up to them just put an ache in my heart because he was SO CLOSE to these people and yet, so damn far away.  While he was happy to just be in the same facility as them and to have the opportunity to watch them, I was disappointed for him.

I was hoping that the race finals on Sunday would at least be different for him.  We brought some of his magazines he wanted autographed and the free poster he received that clearly stated on the flier was for autographs in case we got the opportunity to meet any drivers.  We were the first spectators on the grand stands again.  The only people there without passes around our necks.  The only time the grand stands were full was when the high profile races were happening.  The moment they were over everyone cleared out and went to the back tents to work on their cars.  I found that very unsportsman like for the lower level racers who were not top qualifiers.  The final race on Sunday was fantastic.  Very action packed and enjoyable to watch.  Everyone cheered and clapped for each competitor.  It was a blast.  The second the winner crossed the finish line, he disappeared.  The crowd vanished behind the pits, and the grand stands were empty in minutes leaving my husband and I just standing there, utterly confused.  The announcer went silent, the crowd was gone, and the track was empty.  We stood around for a little while, I took a few pictures of him in front of the track and we packed up and started to head out.   That's when I noticed a gaggle of people standing just inside the "No spectators beyond this point" sign.  They were setting up for the award ceremony.  IN THE BACK!  HIDDEN FROM VIEW!  I wanted to cry for my husband.  He was SO upset and told me several times "let's just go".  I refused to leave.  He needed to see that, needed a last second chance to maybe, just MAYBE, meet SOMEONE, ANYONE who he looked up to in the RC industry.  We stood at that gate for nearly an hour.  (There was a medical emergency which caused a delay.  Prayers for the gentleman who was taken away in the ambulance.  I hope he is okay.)  Because of the crowd and our inability to get past the gate, we were able to see none of the trophies being handed out.  I got a few pictures of the winners with their trophies, but they are mostly blocked from view and at terrible angles.  After the press had their shots, the crowd dissipated, and everyone went to go pack their gear.

My husband and I walked back to the car.  I was disappointed for Damon to the point of tears.  Damon assures me that he is completely happy with the outcome of the weekend.  We left the track, headed to In & Out burger for lunch as we had both never been there before, then went back out onto the open road for a 12 hour drive home.  (Yea, 12 hours...the rain storm was killer.  We barely did 40 most of the way because of road conditions and visibility.  It was terrible.)

So anyway, here are my suggestions for improvement for future iFMAR events:

1) Schedule of events. - Post it somewhere, hand it out, something.  I saw people with badges had them.  It would have been nice to know as a spectator what the heck we were watching and when certain things were going to happen.
2) Supplier/Vendor tents - Something for people to stop by and ask questions about products, get information, maybe buy some souvenir t-shirts or meet drivers sponsored by that product.
3) Event souvenirs - we had to walk across the street and a block over to buy an event shirt.  It would have been nice to have a booth or something at the event location itself.  The hobby shop the hosted the event had the few souvenirs at their shop across the street.  My husband bought a T-shirt and a hoodie.  He hasn't taken either off since.  Such a devoted nerd.  ;)
4) Meet & Greet for drivers - I know they are busy, but have a tent, and a schedule, and put a few drivers out every once and a while to shake a few hands and sign autographs.  I think these guys can spare 20 minutes of their day for their fans.  (Obviously, they feel that they cannot or they would have...but the should and that's my point here.)
5) Girls - why the heck are there NO girl RC drivers?  LOL.  

Maybe I am a total jerk and wrong in my expectations of the event.  My husband is happy, so I should be too.  But I am not.  I wanted so much more for him (as I always do).  And beyond that, what about the few random kids that attended the event.  I wonder how disappointed they were.  They look up to those racers, just like my husband does.  Developing the passion in these kids early is what will keep them devoted to the hobby their whole lives.  I know my future child will be as devoted to the hobby as my husband is.  I look forward to them spending lots of quality time together building and racing cars.  He is looking forward to the opportunity to attend more RC events in the future.  Hopefully with our future kid and not with me, of course.  ;)

Oh, and if you look at any of the coverage of the race, I am easy to find in the stands.  On Saturday (qualifying races) I am in either a black & white striped tank top or a pink t-shirt.  On Sunday I was in a white hoodie or a pink hoodie just above the Swedish flag in the grand stands.

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Monday, July 1, 2013

Being Internet Famous

I know most people who attended Fitbloggin are working on their recaps right now, but something else has inspired me and I need to write about that first.  (I'm not ready to write my recap anyway.  Too much to process still. I'll get to it later this week.)

Unlike many of the people who attended the conference, I was only there to "meet" my Internet friends for the very first time and get my fitness on.  Many of the attendees were there to promote themselves or learn how to promote themselves. That's not for me, and this weekend confirmed that.

Sure, I use the Internet for attention.  I'm an introvert who is also an attention-whore. I want people to pay attention to me, but on my terms, and I like that on the Internet I can get all that, plus there is no touching or eye contact involved.  But that's just me.  I don't have business cards for this blog.  I don't have a sponsor. I'm not part of any groups. I don't have a logo. I don't own a web page or have a fancy email address with my blog name in it.

Frankly speaking I find the whole concept of "celebrity bloggers" annoying.  I have unfollowed so many people becausee all they do is "Race Recap", "Product Review", and "Giveaway" posts.  I get nothing from that.  Well, maybe some of the race recap stuff is interesting, but if that is ALL someone post it's an unfollow too. 

(I don't know how to type out the rest of what is in my head without sounding mean.  Please, if what I am about to say applies to you, don't take offense to it, I mean no harm.  If it works for you, and makes you happy, that's great. Have fun with that.  It's not for me, and I'm just explaining why.)

I'm on the Internet because I like it here. I want others to like me and I want to relate with people who have common interest as me.  I don't need 6,000 followers on Twitter or 100 blog hits a day to feel good about myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, it would feel awesome to have that much attention...but I would only like if for a VERY short time before I became overwhelmed.

How do people even keep up with all that?  I barely have time to read my timeline as it is and I follow over 300 people.  How can someone keep up with the tweets of 6,000 people? And how can you even have relationships with those people? I like making connections, having discussions and interacting.  If you don't interact with me, I don't follow you.  And I don't follow people who annoy me.  I don't follow people just because they follow me. I mean, why should I? It's my Internet, I can do what I want with it, and I don't feel bad about that.  I also don't follow people with a large number of follower/follows.  (I make a few exceptions to that rule. I follow a few chefs, and a few bloggers who are generally interesting but don't interact with me but I don't interact with them so it's balanced out.)

I listened to a discussion about how to promote yourself online.  She mentioned some tips on how to get more followers. "Simple tricks to get yourself out there."  My thought on every single one: "Yep, I would unfollow you in an instant. That's annoying."  No, hashtagging every damn post doesn't help you.  No, mentioning brands won't get you noticed by me. Retweeting your daily blog post every hour will not get me to read it. Writing about a product you received for free (and probably begged for) and obviously will love does not get me to buy it.

I feel like a lot of the people out there that are promoting themselves because they want to be "Internet famous" are missing out on a lot of what the Internet has to offer.  They are also missing out on a lot of great people too.  If you want me to like you and follow you DO something that I like and interact with me.  Practice what you preach. Live your life and have fun with it.  Post about what you enjoy.  Make me laugh.  Make me think.  Share yourself honestly.  Be the person on the Internet who you are in person.   

Here is what I can promise to my devoted 12 followers of this blog and my 300 followers on Twitter:  I will not bombard you with hashtags unless I'm doing it to be funny.  I won't try to sell you anything I got for free and was paid to tell you about.  I might buy my own domain name and get a fancy logo. I will not get business cards for my blog/twitte account. I won't beg for followers.  I will follow you back if you actively participate in social media with me.  I will tell you honestly if you ask why I unfollowed you.  I will jump and giggle like a tween meeting Justin Bieber's mailman when we finally meet in real life.

And that my darlings is all I have to say about that....for now....


Monday, June 24, 2013

What do I really look like?

I've had some thoughts rumbling around in my head and I wanted to get them here goes.  Hopefully it makes sense.

Lately I have really been struggling with my perception of myself.  Even though my weight isn't ideal, it is just about 2 pounds over my max comfortable weight. Those little silly 2 pounds have me all messed up inside and thinking I am a huge big fat blob.  Really. 2 fricking pounds? They make all the difference between loving and hating myself?  What does 2 pounds really look like on me? Seriously.  I can't tell.  I only know because the scale tells me.

I've been beating myself up for weeks now over 7 pounds. SEVEN. My clothes fit. My pants zip. Granted they are slightly tighter than I like, but they don't look terrible. These tight-fitting, still zipping, pants are a size 6. And I'm whining about being too fat.  Six years ago I was in an un-zipped size 16 that was too tight because the dryer shrunk them and I felt fine about myself.  Why am I letting 7 stupid pounds take up so much space in my head?

I've been doing pretty good being back on track with Weight Watchers.  Lost 5lbs, in my first 2 weeks.  Tracked for 17 days straight.  Then I ran out of Weekly Points on a Thursday so called the week a failure and quit tracking and binged. Taco bell, ice cream, beer, candy, pizza, more beer, and a box of Lucky Charms were demolished.  (Update: an hour after typing this I weighed in at my Weight Watchers meeting. Lost 2.2lbs. At my Lifetime weight again!! Why am I so damn hard on myself?! I'm really my own worst enemy!)

And then yesterday the following conversation happened while shopping for some new yoga pants to wear to Fitbloggin:

Me: What size should I get?  The Small says its size 4-6 and the Medium is 8-10.
Husband: What size do you wear?
Me: 6
Husband: So get the Small.
Me: But...I'm not small.
Husband: Yes you are.
Me: No, I'm not.
Husband: According to that tag, if you wear a size 6 you are a Small.
Me: (about to cry) But...But.... I'm not small...
Husband: You may not think you are small, but you are. So buy the damn pants, and let's go. I'm hungry.

This makes me wonder.  Why do I think I am so huge?  I'm not huge. I'm Small.  And yes, I bought the pants.  And yes, they fit. Perfectly.  Why do I let the stupid tag on a pair of pants define me and make me feel a certian way about myself.  And to be honest, I don't feel any better about myself because the Small fit. So what is the big deal?  Why the hell do I still think I need to lose weight? When did being a size Small lose it's shine?  I remember crying when I put on my first ever size 8 pants. What happened to that girl?

When I hear what pant size another woman I know wears I spend hours analyzing their body shape to the picture I have in my head for what my body shape is.  Regardless of what their pant size is or their height/weight ratio, in my head I am bigger than them.  It doesn't even matter in the least bit but I dwell and dwell on it like you wouldn't believe!  Even though I know that every body is different and everyone carries their weight different.  I can't help but focus on it.  Sometimes I think I need someone to hand me a picture of someone elses body who is the exact same height/weight/measurements as me so I can see with clear eyes what everyone else sees when they look at me. Because what I see is a mess.

And the worst part about it all is that I do NOTHING to change what I hate about my shape.  I just whine, bitch, moan, complain, and self-depreciate. I would love my butt to be perkier and less cellulite-y.  But do I do squats? No.  I stare in the mirror and hate my ass and compare how awful it is to other asses I have seen on people who DO likely do squats.

What the holy eff is my problem?  Seriously.

Why can't I just be happy with myself? And if I can't be happy, why can't that be motivation to fix it?

I want to be fit.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  And yet, I don't want to do any of the things required to maintain it. I say I want it, but my actions say otherwise.

I need to think on this more.  I also need to come up with a plan and stick to it for making myself happy and staying that way.

Maybe I will learn some things at Fitbloggin to help me with this issue.  Hopefully I will meet some new people who understand and will be motivators to help me.  Or at least someone to slap me in the face so I snap out of this slump and realize how ridiculous I am being.


Monday, June 17, 2013

Social Anxiety & Me

It's been a long while since I last posted and not much has changed.  But for fun, her is a quick update on where things stand and what's been on my mind.  (All bullet points again.  I love them. Deal with it.)

  • I signed back up for Weight Watchers.  I had to.  I wasn't doing good on my own and there was no accountability for me on MyFitnessPal. Plus, I hated counting calories for fruits/veggies. I eat a lot of them.  Fruit alone sucked up half of my calories for the day sometimes. Also, I didn't like that there was no wiggle room for "splurges".  I missed Weekly Points.  I was only really tracking maybe 4 days a week on MFP.  And I wasn't tracking honestly either.  If I knew what I was eating wasn't smart, I didn't track it. Then I gave up for the rest of the week.  So, with my head hung in shame, I walked back into Weight Watchers 2 Monday's ago.  I was up 9lbs from my goal weight.  I lost over 4lbs the first week.  This week will be a small loss if there is one at all.  I have been heating every damn point I can get my hands on.  I was in the red this week, and broke even last week.  I'm okay with that though.  I'm making good choices and eating still eating what I love.  Hopefully soon I will be back to my free-Lifetime status.  I need to stick with my monthly weigh-ins once I get back there.  I need to stop forgetting how important Weight Watchers is to my success and quick thinking I can do this alone.  Because I can't.  If left to my own devices, I will get fat again.  I need Weight Watchers to keep me healthy & happy.
  • Fitbloggin is coming up quickly.  I am excited at least to try out some of the different fitness classes that are being offered. My plan is to attend every one that I possibly can.  My hope is that I find something that I am excited about and would want to try and do more often.  That's my whole goal for the event.  Get excited about fitness.  Sure, learning some new tips on blogging would be nice.  And the swag will be great too.  But really, I need to get excited about something that I can stick with.  I've lost my fitness mojo again.  As typical for me, the elliptical lost it's luster after about a month. And running has always been an annoyance to me. I want to LOVE an activity. I want to look forward to getting sweaty. I need to be passionate about something that gets me out and moving.
  • I got a FitBit Flex last week.  So far I think it is great.  I love checking the app like a psycho every hour or so to see how many steps I have logged.  The original goal setting it came with was for 10,000 steps a day. After 3 days of barely getting 3,000 steps I lowered my goal to 5,000.  I achieved that goal once.  On Saturday. I did a lot of yard work and went for a walk to get ice cream.  On Sunday I was 500 steps short.  I'm not going to go crazy gung-ho with meeting my step goal every day.  But I will definitely be trying to get up and move a little more each day.  I had no idea how lazy I am at work. I log barely 1,000 steps during that 8 hour period of time.  And that includes my 10 minute walk to and from my car.  I also love the sleep tracker.  I toss and turn a lot, but I never knew how much.  I get about 8 hours of sleep lately, with 8-16 occurrences of being "restless" a night. 
  • In all honesty, I'm terrified of Fitbloggin. I know it is supposed to be an open, honest, fun happy weekend of like-minded people.  But still, my anxiety is out of control.  I am 100% confident that every person there will hate me and think I'm a fraud.  My crazy has already kicked in and I already feel like an outsider in what seems to be an already well formed group.   want to go to this event and have the time of my life.  I don't want my anxiety to get in the way. I don't want to use alcohol to relax but sometimes that seems to be the only thing that helps.  If nothing else, this event will be a challenge for me on many levels.  Even though every inch of my body is screaming for me to run and hide, I will go.  I will be uncomfortable.  I will force myself to be social.  I will put a smile on my face, and dammit I will enjoy myself!
  • My social anxiety is the next big hurdle in my life I think.  It's my least favorite thing about my personality, but I don't really know how to change it.  On the internet I seem like a happy fun outgoing person, when really the opposite is true.  I have terrible social anxiety.  I hate being in groups. Crowds make me nervous.  Eye contact with people is torture. I am a wall flower at social events where I don't know anyone.  Small talk makes me uncomfortable.  "Ice Breakers" at events are worse than Chinese water torture. If given the choice, I would rather stay at home alone with my husband.   I want people to like me, but I don't like people.  I want to be invited out, but I don't like going out.   I saw a funny meme the other day, and of course now that I want to reference it I can't find it again.  It said something a long the lines of "I want to be invited, but I don't want to go".  Which is SO true for me!  And its not always being around strangers that give me this feeling.  I frequently avoid my phone even with family or friends call me because I know they will want to do something.  Even though I say all the time that I don't care if people like me...I'm a total fraud.  I actually do care if people like me.  In my head everyone hates me all the time so I like to say that I don't care, but it really does bug me.  I think I'm a great person, and I want people to think the same thing.  I know I'm a handful and not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay.  I always whine about wanting to be included and how I have no friends, but when it really comes down to it, I don't want to go out.  I keep putting myself out there though.  I'm not getting the results I had in my head, but maybe that's okay.  Maybe I have unreal expectations.  I don't know.  I will continue to put myself in situations that make me nervous and uncomfortable because maybe if I do it enough it will get easier.  (This is also the reason I don't sign up for fitness classes and the reason I want to sign up for fitness classes all bundled up into one.)  Anyone have any tips on social anxiety other than seeing a shrink, taking pills, or "keep doing what you're doing"?
  • My summer is filling up with lots of fun activities.  I like to keep things on an every other week rotation because it gives me the alone time I need, but gets me out of the house regularly.  After Fitbloggin will be a game night at a friends house, followed my my mom being in town for a week filled with touristy stuff.  That will be followed by the air show, and then not long after that will be Portland to Coast!  On my home-body weekends we will be doing lots of yard work and cleaning up around the house.  Since we are staying where we are at for good now it is all a matter of making it feel like home.  Our stuff is still in storage but slowly we are making progress.  I have my own closet now, and a lot of my own kitchen items as well.  The yard & garden are looking beautiful and we are making great progress each weekend.  I joined the same CSA I was in last summer as well so I'm really looking forward to the next 19 weeks worth of fresh produce!
Okay, that's about it for now.  I'll post an update after Fitbloggin with how it went. Cross your fingers for me that I make all kinds of new friends and have the time of my life!