I've had some thoughts rumbling around in my head and I wanted to get them out...so here goes. Hopefully it makes sense.
Lately I have really been struggling with my perception of myself. Even though my weight isn't ideal, it is just about 2 pounds over my max comfortable weight. Those little silly 2 pounds have me all messed up inside and thinking I am a huge big fat blob. Really. 2 fricking pounds? They make all the difference between loving and hating myself? What does 2 pounds really look like on me? Seriously. I can't tell. I only know because the scale tells me.
I've been beating myself up for weeks now over 7 pounds. SEVEN. My clothes fit. My pants zip. Granted they are slightly tighter than I like, but they don't look terrible. These tight-fitting, still zipping, pants are a size 6. And I'm whining about being too fat. Six years ago I was in an un-zipped size 16 that was too tight because the dryer shrunk them and I felt fine about myself. Why am I letting 7 stupid pounds take up so much space in my head?
I've been doing pretty good being back on track with Weight Watchers. Lost 5lbs, in my first 2 weeks. Tracked for 17 days straight. Then I ran out of Weekly Points on a Thursday so called the week a failure and quit tracking and binged. Taco bell, ice cream, beer, candy, pizza, more beer, and a box of Lucky Charms were demolished. (Update: an hour after typing this I weighed in at my Weight Watchers meeting. Lost 2.2lbs. At my Lifetime weight again!! Why am I so damn hard on myself?! I'm really my own worst enemy!)
And then yesterday the following conversation happened while shopping for some new yoga pants to wear to Fitbloggin:
Me: What size should I get? The Small says its size 4-6 and the Medium is 8-10.
Husband: What size do you wear?
Husband: So get the Small.
Me: But...I'm not small.
Husband: Yes you are.
Me: No, I'm not.
Husband: According to that tag, if you wear a size 6 you are a Small.
Me: (about to cry) But...But.... I'm not small...
Husband: You may not think you are small, but you are. So buy the damn pants, and let's go. I'm hungry.
This makes me wonder. Why do I think I am so huge? I'm not huge. I'm Small. And yes, I bought the pants. And yes, they fit. Perfectly. Why do I let the stupid tag on a pair of pants define me and make me feel a certian way about myself. And to be honest, I don't feel any better about myself because the Small fit. So what is the big deal? Why the hell do I still think I need to lose weight? When did being a size Small lose it's shine? I remember crying when I put on my first ever size 8 pants. What happened to that girl?
When I hear what pant size another woman I know wears I spend hours analyzing their body shape to the picture I have in my head for what my body shape is. Regardless of what their pant size is or their height/weight ratio, in my head I am bigger than them. It doesn't even matter in the least bit but I dwell and dwell on it like you wouldn't believe! Even though I know that every body is different and everyone carries their weight different. I can't help but focus on it. Sometimes I think I need someone to hand me a picture of someone elses body who is the exact same height/weight/measurements as me so I can see with clear eyes what everyone else sees when they look at me. Because what I see is a mess.
And the worst part about it all is that I do NOTHING to change what I hate about my shape. I just whine, bitch, moan, complain, and self-depreciate. I would love my butt to be perkier and less cellulite-y. But do I do squats? No. I stare in the mirror and hate my ass and compare how awful it is to other asses I have seen on people who DO likely do squats.
What the holy eff is my problem? Seriously.
Why can't I just be happy with myself? And if I can't be happy, why can't that be motivation to fix it?
I want to be fit. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. And yet, I don't want to do any of the things required to maintain it. I say I want it, but my actions say otherwise.
I need to think on this more. I also need to come up with a plan and stick to it for making myself happy and staying that way.
Maybe I will learn some things at Fitbloggin to help me with this issue. Hopefully I will meet some new people who understand and will be motivators to help me. Or at least someone to slap me in the face so I snap out of this slump and realize how ridiculous I am being.
Monday, June 17, 2013
It's been a long while since I last posted and not much has changed. But for fun, her is a quick update on where things stand and what's been on my mind. (All bullet points again. I love them. Deal with it.)
- I signed back up for Weight Watchers. I had to. I wasn't doing good on my own and there was no accountability for me on MyFitnessPal. Plus, I hated counting calories for fruits/veggies. I eat a lot of them. Fruit alone sucked up half of my calories for the day sometimes. Also, I didn't like that there was no wiggle room for "splurges". I missed Weekly Points. I was only really tracking maybe 4 days a week on MFP. And I wasn't tracking honestly either. If I knew what I was eating wasn't smart, I didn't track it. Then I gave up for the rest of the week. So, with my head hung in shame, I walked back into Weight Watchers 2 Monday's ago. I was up 9lbs from my goal weight. I lost over 4lbs the first week. This week will be a small loss if there is one at all. I have been heating every damn point I can get my hands on. I was in the red this week, and broke even last week. I'm okay with that though. I'm making good choices and eating still eating what I love. Hopefully soon I will be back to my free-Lifetime status. I need to stick with my monthly weigh-ins once I get back there. I need to stop forgetting how important Weight Watchers is to my success and quick thinking I can do this alone. Because I can't. If left to my own devices, I will get fat again. I need Weight Watchers to keep me healthy & happy.
- Fitbloggin is coming up quickly. I am excited at least to try out some of the different fitness classes that are being offered. My plan is to attend every one that I possibly can. My hope is that I find something that I am excited about and would want to try and do more often. That's my whole goal for the event. Get excited about fitness. Sure, learning some new tips on blogging would be nice. And the swag will be great too. But really, I need to get excited about something that I can stick with. I've lost my fitness mojo again. As typical for me, the elliptical lost it's luster after about a month. And running has always been an annoyance to me. I want to LOVE an activity. I want to look forward to getting sweaty. I need to be passionate about something that gets me out and moving.
- I got a FitBit Flex last week. So far I think it is great. I love checking the app like a psycho every hour or so to see how many steps I have logged. The original goal setting it came with was for 10,000 steps a day. After 3 days of barely getting 3,000 steps I lowered my goal to 5,000. I achieved that goal once. On Saturday. I did a lot of yard work and went for a walk to get ice cream. On Sunday I was 500 steps short. I'm not going to go crazy gung-ho with meeting my step goal every day. But I will definitely be trying to get up and move a little more each day. I had no idea how lazy I am at work. I log barely 1,000 steps during that 8 hour period of time. And that includes my 10 minute walk to and from my car. I also love the sleep tracker. I toss and turn a lot, but I never knew how much. I get about 8 hours of sleep lately, with 8-16 occurrences of being "restless" a night.
- In all honesty, I'm terrified of Fitbloggin. I know it is supposed to be an open, honest, fun happy weekend of like-minded people. But still, my anxiety is out of control. I am 100% confident that every person there will hate me and think I'm a fraud. My crazy has already kicked in and I already feel like an outsider in what seems to be an already well formed group. want to go to this event and have the time of my life. I don't want my anxiety to get in the way. I don't want to use alcohol to relax but sometimes that seems to be the only thing that helps. If nothing else, this event will be a challenge for me on many levels. Even though every inch of my body is screaming for me to run and hide, I will go. I will be uncomfortable. I will force myself to be social. I will put a smile on my face, and dammit I will enjoy myself!
- My social anxiety is the next big hurdle in my life I think. It's my least favorite thing about my personality, but I don't really know how to change it. On the internet I seem like a happy fun outgoing person, when really the opposite is true. I have terrible social anxiety. I hate being in groups. Crowds make me nervous. Eye contact with people is torture. I am a wall flower at social events where I don't know anyone. Small talk makes me uncomfortable. "Ice Breakers" at events are worse than Chinese water torture. If given the choice, I would rather stay at home alone with my husband. I want people to like me, but I don't like people. I want to be invited out, but I don't like going out. I saw a funny meme the other day, and of course now that I want to reference it I can't find it again. It said something a long the lines of "I want to be invited, but I don't want to go". Which is SO true for me! And its not always being around strangers that give me this feeling. I frequently avoid my phone even with family or friends call me because I know they will want to do something. Even though I say all the time that I don't care if people like me...I'm a total fraud. I actually do care if people like me. In my head everyone hates me all the time so I like to say that I don't care, but it really does bug me. I think I'm a great person, and I want people to think the same thing. I know I'm a handful and not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay. I always whine about wanting to be included and how I have no friends, but when it really comes down to it, I don't want to go out. I keep putting myself out there though. I'm not getting the results I had in my head, but maybe that's okay. Maybe I have unreal expectations. I don't know. I will continue to put myself in situations that make me nervous and uncomfortable because maybe if I do it enough it will get easier. (This is also the reason I don't sign up for fitness classes and the reason I want to sign up for fitness classes all bundled up into one.) Anyone have any tips on social anxiety other than seeing a shrink, taking pills, or "keep doing what you're doing"?
- My summer is filling up with lots of fun activities. I like to keep things on an every other week rotation because it gives me the alone time I need, but gets me out of the house regularly. After Fitbloggin will be a game night at a friends house, followed my my mom being in town for a week filled with touristy stuff. That will be followed by the air show, and then not long after that will be Portland to Coast! On my home-body weekends we will be doing lots of yard work and cleaning up around the house. Since we are staying where we are at for good now it is all a matter of making it feel like home. Our stuff is still in storage but slowly we are making progress. I have my own closet now, and a lot of my own kitchen items as well. The yard & garden are looking beautiful and we are making great progress each weekend. I joined the same CSA I was in last summer as well so I'm really looking forward to the next 19 weeks worth of fresh produce!