I've had some thoughts rumbling around in my head and I wanted to get them out...so here goes. Hopefully it makes sense.
Lately I have really been struggling with my perception of myself. Even though my weight isn't ideal, it is just about 2 pounds over my max comfortable weight. Those little silly 2 pounds have me all messed up inside and thinking I am a huge big fat blob. Really. 2 fricking pounds? They make all the difference between loving and hating myself? What does 2 pounds really look like on me? Seriously. I can't tell. I only know because the scale tells me.
I've been beating myself up for weeks now over 7 pounds. SEVEN. My clothes fit. My pants zip. Granted they are slightly tighter than I like, but they don't look terrible. These tight-fitting, still zipping, pants are a size 6. And I'm whining about being too fat. Six years ago I was in an un-zipped size 16 that was too tight because the dryer shrunk them and I felt fine about myself. Why am I letting 7 stupid pounds take up so much space in my head?
I've been doing pretty good being back on track with Weight Watchers. Lost 5lbs, in my first 2 weeks. Tracked for 17 days straight. Then I ran out of Weekly Points on a Thursday so called the week a failure and quit tracking and binged. Taco bell, ice cream, beer, candy, pizza, more beer, and a box of Lucky Charms were demolished. (Update: an hour after typing this I weighed in at my Weight Watchers meeting. Lost 2.2lbs. At my Lifetime weight again!! Why am I so damn hard on myself?! I'm really my own worst enemy!)
And then yesterday the following conversation happened while shopping for some new yoga pants to wear to Fitbloggin:
Me: What size should I get? The Small says its size 4-6 and the Medium is 8-10.
Husband: What size do you wear?
Husband: So get the Small.
Me: But...I'm not small.
Husband: Yes you are.
Me: No, I'm not.
Husband: According to that tag, if you wear a size 6 you are a Small.
Me: (about to cry) But...But.... I'm not small...
Husband: You may not think you are small, but you are. So buy the damn pants, and let's go. I'm hungry.
This makes me wonder. Why do I think I am so huge? I'm not huge. I'm Small. And yes, I bought the pants. And yes, they fit. Perfectly. Why do I let the stupid tag on a pair of pants define me and make me feel a certian way about myself. And to be honest, I don't feel any better about myself because the Small fit. So what is the big deal? Why the hell do I still think I need to lose weight? When did being a size Small lose it's shine? I remember crying when I put on my first ever size 8 pants. What happened to that girl?
When I hear what pant size another woman I know wears I spend hours analyzing their body shape to the picture I have in my head for what my body shape is. Regardless of what their pant size is or their height/weight ratio, in my head I am bigger than them. It doesn't even matter in the least bit but I dwell and dwell on it like you wouldn't believe! Even though I know that every body is different and everyone carries their weight different. I can't help but focus on it. Sometimes I think I need someone to hand me a picture of someone elses body who is the exact same height/weight/measurements as me so I can see with clear eyes what everyone else sees when they look at me. Because what I see is a mess.
And the worst part about it all is that I do NOTHING to change what I hate about my shape. I just whine, bitch, moan, complain, and self-depreciate. I would love my butt to be perkier and less cellulite-y. But do I do squats? No. I stare in the mirror and hate my ass and compare how awful it is to other asses I have seen on people who DO likely do squats.
What the holy eff is my problem? Seriously.
Why can't I just be happy with myself? And if I can't be happy, why can't that be motivation to fix it?
I want to be fit. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. And yet, I don't want to do any of the things required to maintain it. I say I want it, but my actions say otherwise.
I need to think on this more. I also need to come up with a plan and stick to it for making myself happy and staying that way.
Maybe I will learn some things at Fitbloggin to help me with this issue. Hopefully I will meet some new people who understand and will be motivators to help me. Or at least someone to slap me in the face so I snap out of this slump and realize how ridiculous I am being.