Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Open Letter to Jesse the Personal Trainer

Dear Jesse the Personal Trainer (Hereafter to be known as Asshat),

First let me thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to meet with me for the free personal training session that came with my brand spanking new gym membership.  While I appreciate your effort and understand that it is your job to sell me additional personal training sessions, you crossed the line several times and I would like to take a moment to mock you publicly for it so I can move on.

I understand you are young and trying to make a good impression at your new job, but constantly repeating that you are 25, just recently promoted to Director of Training after only 4 months with the company and that the first thing you did in your new role is fire two people, makes you sound like a total Asshat.  (Hence, why that is your new nickname.)

I also understand that it is your job to sell me additional personal training sessions, however, telling a potential client...

1) She will not achieve her fitness goals with out you
2) She should spend less money on shoes and more money on her physical fitness
3) She is a "skinny fat person"
4) That not only do you have multiple degrees, minored in Psychology, were in the Navy, but you also drew and designed all your tattoos, including the one written completely in Latin
5) You have turned away at least 100 paying customers because you felt they wouldn't be dedicated to your program enough
6) You are the #2 sales person in the entire company and if you really wanted to you could turn on the charm and make me buy 100 sessions with him but you won't because that isn't how you roll

...makes you a total and complete Asshat.

Now, you mentioned several times that you found me very funny, admired my dedication to losing weight and even commented on how obviously stubborn I am. Which means it will come to no surprise to you that I think you are an Asshat and I want to punch you in the face numerous times.  I won't be punching you in the face though, for several reasons.  Mostly because I have never punched anyone and I doubt I can do it with the amount of damage I am hoping for, but also because I have a better form of revenge planned for you.

Because you told me I couldn't do it and because you noticed that I am a stubborn bitch, I will now be making it my goal to prove you fucking wrong.  I will be working me ass of in the gym at least 3 days a week until I am in the exact shape I want to be in.  I will lose the last 12 vanity pounds I am struggling with.  I will run a 10k.  I will tighten up my ass so that it looks even better than it currently does in my expensive 5-inch platform stilettos.  And then, I will saunter over to your desk, politely ask you to retest my body fat percentage with your little gadget thingy.  Once you have recovered from the shock of seeing my results, I will rip the gadget from your hands and beat you over the head with it.  (Okay, maybe not...that would be Assault, which is illegal.)

I am pretty sure you will be fired soon from your job as the company you work for might not like it if you continually talk to your potential clients like you do as well as turn away business.  However, if you could just keep it long enough for me to prove my point, I would be grateful!

Have a wonderful day!




  1. WOW, I see this was written last year. Not to excuse anything you said about the trainers approach, but it seems like he inadvertently motivated to be really serious about your goals. How did it turn out? Did you prove him wrong?