Thursday, August 2, 2012

On the outside, looking in

I had an odd train of thought on my commute into work this morning that I needed to get out of my system.  For those of you that are here for my usual weight loss/maintenance ramblings, this isn't about that at all.  (In fact, this blog may stop being about that as my weight isn't really a key focus of my life any more. My ups and downs with 2-4 lbs isn't really that fascinating.)

I was at a work event yesterday an I noticed that I spent just about the entire thing with my back to a wall watching other people in groups having conversations.  Occasionally I would approach people and start talking, but only once did someone come to me.  I was thinking about this and wondering why it happens since I am usually a really outgoing person.  I felt like I didn't belong there and that I had nothing to say to any of the people, and obviously they had nothing to say to me which is why they were at a distance.

Somehow I got on a mental tangent and started thinking about all the times in my past where I have felt like an outsider looking in on others in a group.  The number of examples I came up with is staggering.  And the fact that I still feel emotional about these events means that I have some pretty big demons still left to battle.

The first example I can think of is in elementary school. I was in Brownie troop #809 and my mom was our leader. We met after school every week. My mom taught things like sewing, crafts, first aid, outdoor skills, and cooking. I had so much fun. I loved every minute of it. Then one week, I walked into the meeting room to see only my mom. My world crumbled. The other girls in my troop had quit and formed their own troop. Every. Single. Girl.  I was left troopless and alone.  I was in 3rd grade. I didn't understand. I still don't.  Not one of the girls ever spoke to me about why they quit. I still don't know.  I went with out a troop for the next 3 years.  Eventually I joined another troop of girls that went to a different school as me.  Since I was the new girl and they all had bonded already, I was left out on a lot.  It didn't take long for me to quit that troop and go back to being alone. I'm not kidding. I was a girl scout for 12 years. I earned EVERY badge. I earned the Silver Award my Junior year of high school.  Of those 12 years, I was in a "troop" for 5.

Another example was the church I grew up in. I went every Sunday for 15 years. I earned perfect attendance for Sunday School just about every year. I participated in Choir, played hand bells, and attended a weekly youth group. I tried SO hard for all the kids there to like me. It never worked. I never fit in with them. I still don't. Once we went on a overnight trip to another church for a bible study. I felt so lonely and left out that I went into the church van to cry.  I fell asleep in the van, woke up there the next one noticed I was gone.

The soccer team I was on in 2nd grade didn't invite me to the awards banquet. My mom pitched a FIT to the head of the league.  Coach had to apologize to me. I never played soccer again. Which was for the best as I SUCKED at soccer. I used to get bored and sit the goal box....during a game.

I joined Explorer Scouts (Do they still exist?) in 9th grade. My troop leader noticed me on the sidelines and for the first time ever and asked me what was going on. I told her I didn't think the other kids liked me. She stopped the activity and pulled everyone into a huddle with me in front. I remember clear as a bell one of the guys whispered loudly to the kid next to him "Oh great, now we have to pretend we like her so we don't get in trouble." Everyone laughed. I promptly quit the troop.

In high school, I hung out with the band geeks....but I wasn't in the band.

My freshman year of college, I had 2 roommates move out on me in one semester. Spent the rest of the year in a double room by myself.

I've thrown parties and had no one show up.

I've never been, nor asked to be a bridesmaid.

My family sucks. Seriously...the only coming and goings I find out are from Facebook. I've actually had the following conversation with my husband several times:

Him: Why is your (brother/father/cousin) in (state/country/city)?
Me: I didn't know they were. Where did you see that?
Him: Posted it on FB an hour ago.
Me: one tells me anything.
Him: Don't be sad, Love. I tell you everything.

They've "forgotten" to invite me to events. One relation called my husband a few weeks ago. Spoke to him for like 20 minutes.  I can't remember the last time I spoke to that relation. Another relation flew in to visit the family 3 hours from me, I found out about the trip on FB the day after this person arrived in town. When I asked if I could join the visit (as I hadn't seen think person in about 5 years) I was told "There will be too many people if you come, maybe next time". I wasn't told about it the next time, and when I found out after I got the "Oh, you didn't know about it?" response.

It used to bother me when The Bitches would whisper about going out for drinks after work. Mostly because I was never invited out. It took a while, but I finally stopped being butt-hurt about it after reminding myself repeatedly how much I hate them.  Then I started inviting out people I DO like for drinks and that make me feel better, especially when they reciprocated and invited me out.

My whole life I have wanted to be part of a crowd. To feel wanted and accepted. Get invited to events. Have people to invite to events. Just be social, with out feeling like a stranger.  I've tried SO hard for so long to no avail. I have lived in this area for 12 years, and my longest friendship is with my husband (7 years next month).  I've thought about having BBQ's or game nights...but then I tried to make up a guest list and gave up.

Maybe I am over dramatizing but all around me I see people in groups. Doing things, going places, talking, laughing, just plain having fun. I don't have a group. I've never had a group.  I want a group. How the fuck to I get a group?

I feel like a total twat for whining about all this...

1 comment:

  1. I love you so much. It's so hard to post things like that expose how hurt you feel.

    You told me once, and I'll tell you back because it's completely true. If I lived near you, we'd be a group. You are one of my favoritest people, and I see how you are willing to help and encourage and engage.

    I'm not good at writing or saying the right things all the time, so just know that I'll be here.