Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Tombstone #1: Being Fake

Being Fake

This one is a big one for me and that is why I gave it the #1 spot on my list. 

I had a major revelation the other day while lying in bed and this whole tombstone was perfect timing.  I had just finished watching "Grown Ups" and was thinking to myself how much I wish I had a large group of coupled up friends just like in the movie.  (A future tombstone for me will be to stop trying to live my life like in the movies...but not yet...)  I got really sad about how small my social circle is and how hard I have tried to have lots of close friends in my life. 

I started thinking about my past and how I got to where I am today.  I started thinking about all the failed relationships in my past.  All the friendships that have fizzled out over a short period of time.   All the people i am in contact with on a daily basis but have no actual or real relationship with.  I noticed a common theme.  ME.

I kept thinking to myself, "Why don't people like me?  I try so hard to get people to like me, I don't understand why it isn't working!"

Then it hit me.  I am trying too hard!

I spend all kinds of time trying to act like someone who I am not so that people like me. I put on this facade and parade around to get attention, thinking that this behavior will get people to think I am awesome and want to have a relationship with me.  I have been doing this my whole life.  And until recently, I had no idea it wasn't working! 

I don't want to be like that anymore.  I want to be myself.  I like myself.  For the first time in a LONG time, I actually like myself.  I think I am amazing.  I am funny, smart, witty, and entertaining.  I am pretty much awesome in every way. 

So, here's the deal.  No more Miss Fakey-pants.  No more giggling like I don't understand the joke.  No more feigning interest in what people are talking about.  No more biting my tongue.  No more acting like an angel.  No more pretending.  No more hiding.  No more caring what people think.  No more following trends to fit in.  No more dwelling over shoulda/coulda/woulda's.  No more editing my status updates.  No more checking to see how many Facebook friends I have.  No more stressing about the friends I don't have.  NO MORE BEING SOMEONE I AM NOT!

From now on I will be the person I want to be.  The person I really like. 

I am a bitch.  I like to make rude jokes.  I love pink and glitter.  I love being girly and feminine.  I love sarcasm.  I don't like to act my age.  I am an attention whore.  I like to laugh, really loudly. I am narcissistic.  I think farts are funny.  I don't act my age.  I like being silly.  I tend to be annoying.  I like to use curse words as often as possible.  I am selfish.  I like to wear t-shirts with cartoon characters on them.   I talk to much.  I like to wear sock that don't match.  I like to spend Sundays in bed watching romantic comedies. 

If people don't like any of this, they can beat it.  Honestly.  They can just go.  I don't need them around.  If they can't appreciate how completely awesome I am, than I don't need them around dragging me down!  I don't need to waste my time and effort trying to impress someone who already thinks I am annoying.  (To be honest, I would rather know ahead of time that they find me annoying so I can be even more annoying for the fun of it.)

I know that I am an amazing person, and I know that I will find people who share this feeling and want to be around me.  And, frankly, if I don't, that's fine too.  I am a laugh a minute and can entertain myself with my constant stream of jokes. 

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