18 days to go!!

Time is just flying by!

Graduation is in 12 days, vacation starts in 18 days!!  I'm so tired both physically and emotionally that I am ready to get on the plane and relax.

I have sort of stalled on my plans to lose the last few pounds before vacation. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just keep eating.

I only gained .2 this week which isn't terrible, but no the direction I need to be going.

It doesn't help any that so far today I have eaten 2 slices of pizza, half a brownie, and 3 cookies.

I have some minor personal drama that I recently learned about that may be the culprit for my stall.  I won't get into that right now, but stay tuned for future updates.

My only plan for this week is to be super mindful of everything I put into my mouth.  At this point there is no possible way I will reach the weight I had intended by my deadline.  I'm not giving up, I just know myself and my calendar.  Too much going on that is unfortunately centered around food.

My graduation banquet is on Friday and the menu is already selected for that. I have pizza scheduled for lunch all this week due to leftovers from Sunday (Small pieces, loaded with veggies & chicken, but still pizza).  I ate all the ice cream that was in the house last night, so that's no longer a worry.  It's all the work snacks that will do me in.  Next week is my graduation party and the menu I planned is pretty light, but Brie will be in attendance so that will be an issue.  Also the cake I ordered is amazing and I will have to indulge in that.

We will see what happens.  I'm pretty much over it.  I just want to be done with work and school for a while. I don't care if I weigh 145 pounds or 245 pounds....I just need a damn vacation!!

26 days and counting...

Vacation is less than a month away.  I cannot express how much I am in need of it. I'm losing my mind and need a break. Like whoa.

Anyway, the plan to get back on track was a moderate success.

Monday: On plan, did small exercises before bed.

Tuesday: On plan (challenged with cake, but re-adjusted my food plans to accommodate a small slice), did small exercises before bed.

Wednesday: On plan (had wine and snacked on Velveeta while prepping for Thanksgiving). No exercise.

Turkey-Day: Didn't track.  Only had one serving of each item on the table. Servings were "one scoop" and I went heavy on the turkey. Had 3 bites of apple pie. Lots of wine. Exercise was standing in line for an hour at Target with the husband buying video games.

Friday: Didn't track. Sat in bed and ate small portions of whatever I felt like having...which included potato chips, frozen cookie dough, twizzlers, and cheese. No exercise.

Saturday: Didn't track. Ate okay though. No exercise.

Sunday: Didn't track. Ate okay. No exercise.

And the result?  Scale said 152.2 this morning! Down 2! Not bad!

The food plan for this week:

Monday: Usual Bfast, turkey sammie for lunch, bratwurst with green beans & pierogie for dinner.
Tuesday: Usual Bfast, turkey sammie for lunch, salad at school for dinner, glass of wine after.
Wednesday: Usual Bfast, turkey sammie for lunch, turkey soup for dinner
Thursday: Usual Bfast, Pad Thai?, upside down nachos for dinner
Friday: Usual Bfast, turkey sammie for lunch, undecided on dinner.
Saturday: ???
Sunday:???

Other items of interest that I am thinking about today:
1) Pissed at Jessica Simpson for her "Smoothie Cleanse" while promoting Weight Watchers
2) Ordering my shoes for graduation. So hot.
3) Still need a dress for graduation.
4) Pick up graduation regalia on Tuesday. SUPER pissed that I didn't get into the honor's program.
5) Drafting a strongly worded letter to the owner of the real estate agency that my agent belongs to.
6) PMS sucks ass. I have the angries like whoa.

Vacation Countdown = Time to Focus!

On my last post I mentioned how school and moving have been keeping me crazy busy. I also mentioned that my eating and weight were "under moderate control" and that once the move was over I would go back to my routine again.  Well that was a big effing lie.

As those who follow on Twitter already know, the purchase of our dream house fell through in the final hours. I'm not going to go into detail about it because I just don't want to. I've dealt with those emotions and moved on. Nothing can be done to change it or make it better, it just is what it is.  We are currently living in the master bedroom of my Mother in Law's house which I am eternally grateful for.  We plan to start looking for another house in January when things calm down. (I had a full plate of Eggs Benedict with hash browns for lunch and a Kit-Kat bar for breakfast if anyone feels like calculating my day out in it's entirety.)

Because I am huge on routine, and we are still living out of boxes and suitcases I have been using that as an excuse to just put whatever food I can find into my mouth. I am now 2.5lbs into the "Overweight" category of my BMI and 2.5lbs above my Lifetime weight for Weight Watchers.  Which puts me a grand total of 9.2lbs above the weight I am comfortable at.  I hate it.  I officially feel gross. My pants are tight. They zip and button, but it isn't flattering. I'm self conscious and uncomfortable. I'm unhappy with my naked self.

And then last night....it happened....

I ate an ENTIRE Large Pepperoni pizza from Papa Murphy's. By myself.  I ate it so fast and with such fury that my wonderful husband didn't have a chance to grab a piece and was forced to make himself a separate dinner as I ate ours in its entirety.  For those of you interested, I ate 74 Points Plus worth of pizza in under 10 minutes and I washed it down with a beer.

I am now humiliated and horrified by my behaviour. This HAS to stop. And it HAS to stop now.

I have made fake-ass attempts at getting back on track for the last few weeks.  The first week I tracked one day, the second I tracked 3 days, and last week I tracked 1.  I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in a month.

In 32 days I get on a plane and fly home to Ohio to see friends and family whom I haven't seen in years. Last they saw me I weighed about 175. Impressing them with my skinny-ass isn't important. I just want to FEEL good about myself in my clothes. After a week in Cleveland we are taking a road trip to Disney World where I want to walk around feeling great and eating what I want without guilt.

I have spent most of the day going back and forth between thinking about homework and thinking about how chubby I am and have come up with the following plan:

1. Lose 8lbs by the time I step on the plane on the 21st.  That's 5 weeks/32 days away. 1.6lbs per week is doable and healthy. (It would be 1.84/week for the 9.2 but that just seemed scary.)
2. Track EVERY DAY - no excuses and honestly
3. Do some sort of activity EVERY DAY - no excuses
1. Find workout videos to do on the internet

2. Since my Garmin is lost in storage - map our a walk/run route in the neighborhood
4. I wrote on my hand the number of pounds I want to lose in a Mickey to keep my mind on my goals. (Likely moving it to my wrist as it is drawing unwanted attention from coworkers.)
5. Thanksgiving can kiss my fat ass. I can eat that junk any time of the year so there is NO reason to overindulge.  I will have small portions, drink responsibly, and pass on the pumpkin pie (yuck!).
6. Other events coming up I have to worry about regarding food:  Graduation Banquet, Graduation Party, Work Holiday Party 1, Work Holiday Party 2, Work Holiday Party 3. Individual plans will be developed closer to those event dates.
7. Blog weekly about my success/failures.
8. Discuss plan with Man & ask him to help hold me accountable.

I can do this. I have to. I'm amazing.

Is it December yet?

I have been neglecting the Internet a lot lately because my life is so out of control I needed to cut something out to make space. 

My life is still a mess and I feel completely out of control.  Which is odd because I have every last detail planned and organized to get me through all this.

School is almost over and getting really overwhelming.  If I didn't graduate in less than 2 months I might consider dropping out. I had a HUGE project due Monday. Of course I have know about it for over a year and waited to the last minute to work on it. I got it done on time and am just waiting for the grade on it. I should be okay, but if not...I don't graduate.  I lost my 4.0 a few months back and haven't been the same since.  After I recovered from my first B, I got my second one....3.8 GPA right now. Whatever.  Finishing up Organizational Ethics, then I take Strategic Management..then I get my diploma.  December 15th can't come soon enough, let me tell you!

As those of you who follow me on Twitter know (those of you from Facebook or real life might not know) we are in the process of moving.  We sold our house and have to be out by the end of October.  We are in the process of buying a new house and if all goes well we close on that early November.  Right now my house is about 80% empty.  We just have our clothes, bed, couch, TV and basic necessities.  It sucks. Even my pantry is packed into storage. We are eating our way through the contents of our fridge and freezer. We hope to be completely out of the house this weekend and will crash at my Mother in Law's place until we can move into the new house.  Words cannot express enough how excited I am for that one...let me tell you.  Of course there is lots of drama with the whole deal, but I won't get into it.  The house we are moving into really is our dream home and that is all that matters.  All of this struggle and drama will be worth it in the end.

I haven't been to a Weight Watchers meeting since June (?).  My free Lifetime status has expired and I am just enough over my goal weight that I am to embarrassed to go weigh in.  I am now paying for the online tools, that I am not using.  My weight has been pretty steady, but slowly creeping up little by little.  I'm in moderate control so I'm not too stressed about it.  I keep promising myself when my life settles down and I can get my routine back I will start tracking, going to meetings, and being a good Weight Watcher. But until then...I will eat all the food.

I am also not running.  Or walking.  Or doing any physical activity other than packing and moving.  I haven't since June.  I feel terrible about it.  I cancelled my gym membership today which made me feel like total shit.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I hauled my ass to the gym.  I didn't cancel my membership because of that though.  Where we are moving is not near the gym.  Also, I will be turning the 4th bedroom in the basement into my home gym.  I plan to sell my treadmill to buy an elliptical as soon as we move.  I prefer to run outside and find that the ellipti-suck is a better work out when trapped in doors.  I get less bored.  I will also be setting up some floor mats and a TV/DVD player so that I can do work out videos.  I'm actually pretty excited about it.  Setting up my own little gym sanctuary will be fun.  Hopefully I use it.


I might be cutting the Internet back out again for a while.  I dunno.  I'm struggling.  I hate politics and football and that is all anyone seems to be talking about.  I'm also struggling with some anger/jealousy issues that I need to deal with.  I need to get into a better mental space.  Usually my Internet friends help me with that, but it doesn't seem to be the case lately.

Sorry this isn't as funny as my usual updates and that there are no pictures.  I'm super boring.  Ya'll are lucky you got even this much out of me.  Seriously.  I should be packing....or doing homework...or push ups.

XOXO

On the outside, looking in

I had an odd train of thought on my commute into work this morning that I needed to get out of my system.  For those of you that are here for my usual weight loss/maintenance ramblings, this isn't about that at all.  (In fact, this blog may stop being about that as my weight isn't really a key focus of my life any more. My ups and downs with 2-4 lbs isn't really that fascinating.)

I was at a work event yesterday an I noticed that I spent just about the entire thing with my back to a wall watching other people in groups having conversations.  Occasionally I would approach people and start talking, but only once did someone come to me.  I was thinking about this and wondering why it happens since I am usually a really outgoing person.  I felt like I didn't belong there and that I had nothing to say to any of the people, and obviously they had nothing to say to me which is why they were at a distance.

Somehow I got on a mental tangent and started thinking about all the times in my past where I have felt like an outsider looking in on others in a group.  The number of examples I came up with is staggering.  And the fact that I still feel emotional about these events means that I have some pretty big demons still left to battle.

The first example I can think of is in elementary school. I was in Brownie troop #809 and my mom was our leader. We met after school every week. My mom taught things like sewing, crafts, first aid, outdoor skills, and cooking. I had so much fun. I loved every minute of it. Then one week, I walked into the meeting room to see only my mom. My world crumbled. The other girls in my troop had quit and formed their own troop. Every. Single. Girl.  I was left troopless and alone.  I was in 3rd grade. I didn't understand. I still don't.  Not one of the girls ever spoke to me about why they quit. I still don't know.  I went with out a troop for the next 3 years.  Eventually I joined another troop of girls that went to a different school as me.  Since I was the new girl and they all had bonded already, I was left out on a lot.  It didn't take long for me to quit that troop and go back to being alone. I'm not kidding. I was a girl scout for 12 years. I earned EVERY badge. I earned the Silver Award my Junior year of high school.  Of those 12 years, I was in a "troop" for 5.

Another example was the church I grew up in. I went every Sunday for 15 years. I earned perfect attendance for Sunday School just about every year. I participated in Choir, played hand bells, and attended a weekly youth group. I tried SO hard for all the kids there to like me. It never worked. I never fit in with them. I still don't. Once we went on a overnight trip to another church for a bible study. I felt so lonely and left out that I went into the church van to cry.  I fell asleep in the van, woke up there the next morning...no one noticed I was gone.

The soccer team I was on in 2nd grade didn't invite me to the awards banquet. My mom pitched a FIT to the head of the league.  Coach had to apologize to me. I never played soccer again. Which was for the best as I SUCKED at soccer. I used to get bored and sit down...in the goal box....during a game.

I joined Explorer Scouts (Do they still exist?) in 9th grade. My troop leader noticed me on the sidelines and for the first time ever and asked me what was going on. I told her I didn't think the other kids liked me. She stopped the activity and pulled everyone into a huddle with me in front. I remember clear as a bell one of the guys whispered loudly to the kid next to him "Oh great, now we have to pretend we like her so we don't get in trouble." Everyone laughed. I promptly quit the troop.

In high school, I hung out with the band geeks....but I wasn't in the band.

My freshman year of college, I had 2 roommates move out on me in one semester. Spent the rest of the year in a double room by myself.

I've thrown parties and had no one show up.

I've never been, nor asked to be a bridesmaid.


My family sucks. Seriously...the only coming and goings I find out are from Facebook. I've actually had the following conversation with my husband several times:

Him: Why is your (brother/father/cousin) in (state/country/city)?
Me: I didn't know they were. Where did you see that?
Him: Posted it on FB an hour ago.
Me: ...no one tells me anything.
Him: Don't be sad, Love. I tell you everything.

They've "forgotten" to invite me to events. One relation called my husband a few weeks ago. Spoke to him for like 20 minutes.  I can't remember the last time I spoke to that relation. Another relation flew in to visit the family 3 hours from me, I found out about the trip on FB the day after this person arrived in town. When I asked if I could join the visit (as I hadn't seen think person in about 5 years) I was told "There will be too many people if you come, maybe next time". I wasn't told about it the next time, and when I found out after I got the "Oh, you didn't know about it?" response.


It used to bother me when The Bitches would whisper about going out for drinks after work. Mostly because I was never invited out. It took a while, but I finally stopped being butt-hurt about it after reminding myself repeatedly how much I hate them.  Then I started inviting out people I DO like for drinks and that make me feel better, especially when they reciprocated and invited me out.

My whole life I have wanted to be part of a crowd. To feel wanted and accepted. Get invited to events. Have people to invite to events. Just be social, with out feeling like a stranger.  I've tried SO hard for so long to no avail. I have lived in this area for 12 years, and my longest friendship is with my husband (7 years next month).  I've thought about having BBQ's or game nights...but then I tried to make up a guest list and gave up.

Maybe I am over dramatizing but all around me I see people in groups. Doing things, going places, talking, laughing, just plain having fun. I don't have a group. I've never had a group.  I want a group. How the fuck to I get a group?

I feel like a total twat for whining about all this...

Things...

I randomly decided to make lists of things. Don't ask me why. I like lists. I'm weird.

10 things I won't eat:

1. Eggplant
2. Squash (not including yellow squash or zucchini)
3. Curry seasoning
4. Oysters
5. Veal
6. Jello
7. Anything lavender flavored
8. Artificial cinnamon flavoring
9. Canned condensed tomato soup
10. Sweet potatoes

10 things that terrify me:

1. Jello
2. Being in water
3. Trucks carrying rebar
4. Sudden drop offs (Heights are fine, as long as I am not near the edge)
5. Movies involving aliens, ghosts, or demons
6. Death
7. Cabinet doors left open
8. Wind blowing through the pine trees in my back yard
9. The germs that live on escalator hand rails
10. Unfinished basements

10 things that always make me laugh:

1. Farts
2. My inability to open a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese
3. "That's what she said!"
4. Shrek
5. CakeWreks
6. Mana Mana...do doooo do do do
7. The word furburger
8. Making fun of people I hate to their face in a sarcastic voice so they don't know I am serious.
9. Taking pictures of myself with an orange peel in my mouth and texting it to my husband.
10. Getting an instant message asking "Are you there?" and responding "No."

10 things that give me rage:

1. The Bitches
2. People who think "alot" is a word. (This is an Alot.)
3. Turkey bacon
4. White chocolate
5. Frivolous helium balloon abuse
6. Homeless people with pets
7. Walmart
8. Time left on a microwave
9. Emoticons in professional emails
10. People who don't use their turn signals.

10 things I love to smell:

1. Lilac
2. Baking bread
3. Sharpies/Dry Erase markers/White out
4. My husbands deodorant
5. Old books
6. Coffee beans
7. Bounce dryer sheets
8. The ocean
9. New shoes
10. My dog after he is groomed.

I need to quit my bitchin'...

The Internet gave me a much needed bitch slap this morning. 

The first thing I do every morning is catch up on what I missed on Twitter while I was sleeping. This morning, while sipping my coffee, eating a croissant with ham & cheese, I read 3 blog posts in a row talking about struggles with weight, both losing and keeping it off.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. My 2 year Thin-aversary is in a WEEK!

For the last year I have been whining and bitching about how I am struggling to get back to my lowest weight a measly little 5lbs from where I am today.

Why am I making such a big deal over this? My pants fit (they aren't even tight). I am within my 2lb Lifetime buffer zone.  I have a "healthy" BMI. I look in the mirror and love what I see.

So why the frack does that number on the scale bother me so much?  Seriously, why?

I'm not running or hitting the gym like I used to. I suck at tracking. If it really meant that much to me to be a certain number on the scale, I would be doing the things I know I need to do. Instead, I am eating moderately healthy, and beating myself up once a week when I step on the scale.

I really think it's okay though. I'm not out of control. Things are where they should be even if it isn't were I want it to be. The few times I have been up in a not so great range, I got it back down almost immediately.

Maybe my desire to be 5lbs lower than where I am at is actually what is helping me stay in the range I need to be in?  I don't know. But what ever is going on is obviously working so I need to STFU and keep doing it.

The point however is this...I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling greatful. I need to not be such a twatwaffle because it could be much worse.
Anyway...

Here is a mid year update on the goals I set for myself in January:

2012 Goals:

1)  Get back to my "Happy Weight" and stay there! None of this up and down shit.:  See above.
2)  Maintain my 4.0 GPA: NOPE...3.9...Got a B in International Dynamics. Don't get me started.
3) Run the 8k Shamrock Run (not the 15k like I really want, I am just not ready...maybe 2013) - March: Done
4)  Race for the Roses 5k- April (Found out they have a 10k...thinking on this one...):  Nope, but did the Bridge to Brews 10k instead
5) Personal - May: Next week....gulp!
6) Portland to Coast - August: Have a team, and race is on schedule!
7) Race for the Cure 5k - September:  Need to register
8) Graduate from College - December:  Still on schedule
9)  Go to Cleveland for Christmas - December:  Plane tickets purchased and added a week in Disney to the end of the trip.
11) Blog at least once a month:  Didn't post in June.
12) Finally convince the folks at Weight Watchers to fly me to New York and make me an official Success Story. (yea,yea, this one is a LONG shot...but a girl can dream, right?):  Not yet, but I will begin drafting my 2 year Thin-aversery email tomorrow for sending on the 19th.
13) Attend a Weight Watchers meeting AT LEAST once a month, earning a new Key in December:  Still on track.

That's all I have for now. Sorry I don't have any pictures. Next month will have a LOT of pictures in the PTC post.

Oh, and I have a race on the 22nd. A 4 miler that I signed up for because it has a race medal. I want a damn medal!  I haven't run since May 27th. I imagine the race will not go well.

XOXO